Cast:
NATO: John Cleese
United States: Michael Palin
Madeline Albright: Graham Chapman
NATO walks into shop carrying a map of Bosnia. He walks to
counter where the United States tries to hide below cash register.
NATO: Hello, I wish to register a complaint... Hello? Miss?
UNITED STATES: What do you mean, miss?
NATO: Oh, I'm sorry, I have a cold. I wish to make a complaint.
UNITED STATES: Sorry, we're closing for lunch.
NATO: Never mind that my lad, I wish to make a complain
about this nation what I sent peacekeeping troops to not half
an hour ago.
UNITED STATES: Oh yes, Bosnia. What's wrong with it?
NATO: I'll tell you what's wrong with it. It's dead, that's
what wrong with it.
UNITED STATES: No, no it's resting, look!
NATO: Look my lad, I know a dead country when I see one
and I'm looking at one right now.
UNITED STATES: No, no sir, it's not dead. It's resting.
NATO: Resting?
UNITED STATES: Yeah, remarkable country, Bosnia, beautiful
landscape, wouldn't you say?
NATO: The landscape don't enter into it - it's stone dead.
UNITED STATES: No, no - it's just resting.
NATO: All right then, if it's resting I'll wake it up.
(shouts across Europe) Hello Bosnia! I've got a nice cuttlefish
for you when you wake up, Bosnia!
UNITED STATES: (jogging map) There it moved.
NATO: No he didn't. That was you pushing the map.
UNITED STATES: I did not.
NATO: Yes, you did. (takes map of Bosnia, shouts) Hello
Bosnia, Bosnia (bangs it against Mediterranean coastline) Bosnia,
wake up. Bosnia. (throws it in the air and lets it fall to the
floor) Now that's what I call a dead country.
UNITED STATES: No, no it's stunned.
NATO: Look my lad, I've had just enough of this. That nation
is definitely deceased. And when I sent forces there not half
an hour ago, you assured me that its lack of movement was due
to it being tired and shagged out after a long civil war.
UNITED STATES: It's probably pining for the fjords.
NATO: Pining for the fjords, what kind of talk is that?
Look, why did its government fall flat on its back the moment
I got to the map room?
UNITED STATES: Bosnia prefers kipping on its back. Beautiful
nation, lovely landscape.
NATO: Look, I took the liberty of examining that country,
and I discovered that the only reason that it had been sitting
there in Europe in the first place was that it had been nailed
there.
UNITED STATES: Well of course it was nailed there. Otherwise
it would muscle up to the Atlantic and voom.
NATO: Look matey (picks up map) this country wouldn't voom
if I put four thousand A-bombs through it. It's bleeding demised.
UNITED STATES: It's not, it's pining.
NATO: It's not pining, it's passed on. This nation is no
more. It has ceased to be. It's expired and gone to meet its maker.
This is a late nation. It's a stiff. Bereft of life, it rests
in peace. If it hadn't been nailed down, it would be pushing up
the daisies. It's rung down the curtain and joined the choir invisible.
This is an ex-Bosnia.
UNITED STATES: Well, I'd better re-draw the map then.
NATO: (to camera) If you want to get anything done in that
country, you've got to complain till you're blue in the mouth.
UNITED STATES: Sorry, but we're right out of European cartographers.
NATO: I see. I see. I get the picture.
UNITED STATES: I've got an Australian cartographer.
NATO: Does he draw maps near the Mediterranean?
UNITED STATES: Not really, no.
NATO: Well, it's scarcely a replacement, then is it?
UNITED STATES: Listen, I'll tell you what...
NATO: No I'm sorry, I'm not prepared to pursue my line
of enquiry any further as I think this is getting too silly.
MADELINE ALBRIGHT: (coming in) Quite agree. Quite agree.
Silly...silly. Right get on with it. Get on with it.
Cut to an announcer eating a yogurt.
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