Who Is Franz Jiminez?

Brendan Dillon

People are always asking me about Franz Jiminez. Well, let me tell you a little something about him. Franz Jiminez exists in four spatial dimensions as a hobby. He keeps the Holy Grail in a cupboard next to his coffee mugs, and built the Pyramids by accident. Franz wrote "All Along the Watchtower" for Bob Dylan as a personal favor. One time, he got so hungry that he literally ate a horse.

Mr. Jiminez single-handedly reunified Korea by correspondence from his Pasadena home. He knows what happened to Amelia Earhart, but won't tell anyone for reasons of national security. You can see his time machine at the Smithsonian Air and Space Museum and his origami art at the Louvre.

Franz Jiminez is the Baron of Neptune.

He is a recurring handgun tournament champion, despite being blind since the age of twelve. He causes all the radio stations to go to commercial at the same time. He invented the stromboli, and knows the square root of -1. He penned his third New York Times bestselling novel during a particularly nasty bout of somnambulism.

Franz travels using a network of pneumatic tubes deep in the earth's crust, and skydives in Antarctica every month. He won the X Prize, but forgot to file the paperwork before Burt Rutan did.

Franz Jiminez is a great man. Perhaps THE great man.