Easy Ways to Spot Super Villains
[As opposed to regular villains]
(Cronan Thompson)
- Variations upon, "And the world ended not with a bang
but with a whisper." Irony is like a drug to super villains,
and thus this usually precedes or follows an explosion designed
to inspire awe.
- Silly super villains are among the easiest to spot. They
say things along the lines of, "And I'll get your little
dog too."
- A claim to being god or the grim reaper. (Usually in a delightfully
irreverent tone).
- A threat to do something physiologically improbable to the
hero and his family. More times than not involving kitchen appliances
and small animals
- Silly super villains also like to talk to the people they
beat up. While often laced with profanity, more common are references
to the hero's sister's skill at fellatio.
- Most villains often claim to be able to see the truth in
people's eyes. Super villains rant and rave about the eyes and
their direct link to the soul.
- Part of being a super villain is being the spokesman for
Evil. Super villains love to remind us of how much more fun it
is to be evil. [While this is true in my experience, this usually
leads to more cool, dry wit from the hero and a hardening of
their resolve to kill said spokesman.]
- Super villains love to sing childhood songs (Oh Susanna!,
Camp Town Races, Mary Had a Little Lamb, etc) while performing
despicable acts. [Please note that despicable acts make a villain,
not a super villain]
- While quoting Shakespeare, Milton and Dante are required reading
for villains, ONLY super villains stop in the midst of gun/sword/ship
battles and quote them. Invariably with an exaggerated English
accent. [FYI No English person has yet been identified as a super
villain.]
- Villains usually believe in family values. Super villains
value their families as potential hostages. It's a subtle difference.
Watch for it.
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