Things I learned from Team Knight Rider
(Cronan Thompson)
For those of you who have never heard of this show it is a
sequal of sorts to the orginal show during the mid to late eighties
that featured David Hasslehoff and KITT, the talking black car.
It was pretty cheesy and wholly unbelievable but for a 10 year-old
kid (my age at the time) it was gobs of fun. Going back it is
still fun to watch roads appear out of nowhere and enemy supercars
pop up all over the place. This show is far worse... needless
to say I love it.
- When you have Star Trek-level technology for artificial intelligence,
matter replication, holographic communication and are out to
do good for the world you will immediately build it into
talking vehicles that argue with you and each other all
the time and especially in comabat/emergency situations
- Apparently whatever manner of explosive they were shooting
at those fabulous machines had plot continuation sensors. After
all, they did manage to, for some unknown reason, always land
2 or 3 meters to the right or left of the intended target forcing
them to swerve wildly showing off their advance computers.
- All female marines look like former fashion models and truly
enjoy wearing really short skirts(because they are more efficent
for driving a heavily armed bullet proof vehicle don't ya know)
- After being caught performing treasonous acts, including
the attempted murder of 900,000+ people, the only thing you will
regret (instead of the impending death penalty, betraying your
country or the mistakes that got you caught) is the loss of respect
from a latino barbie doll
- Apparently driving at 100s of miles an hour in a convertable
with the top down will NEVER EVER muss your air.
- Instead of calling the president and saying, "There
is nuclear bomb heading for you. RUN." OR
some such thing it is far more efficent to lay waste to a nuclear
missle launching facility with 4 semi-autonomous vehicles, hack
into the missle guidance system and set off the self destruct
on a powered ballistic dive.
- The two motor cycles can create matter from thin air and
then send it back to the nether regions of spacetime it was drawn
from allowing it to become what can only be described as a strange
little car that serves no purpose other than being.... a strange
little car.
- Generals planning a coupe of the US goverment will confess
their plans to everyone who comes along even if they have insubstantial
amounts of evidence never bothering to see if they have a recording
device of some sort.
- One can black out an entire state simply by busting up a
few panels (that clearly move when you bump into them) in a facility
that has no armed guards whatsoever in spite of being in control
of the only power plant in all of Virginia
- Top secret artificially intelligent cars, in the interests
of efficent, will be given the personalities of Ed Mchanon(sp?),
a slut, a psychopath, a co-dependant and a narcisist leader with
sexist attitudes.
- All 5 of these top secret vehicles will get together in the
desert to drive about in a 'V' formation for no reason other
than it looks sorta cool
- The US goverment doesn't really mind that a private organization
can overwhelm one of their nulcear missle facilites, has more
firepower in one vehicle than the entire platoon guarding the
base does and seems to be able to tap into their computers at
will
- In spite of having: the memory and the computing power to
a hold and compare over 500,000 voice prints; bullet and rocket
proof armor and the ability to morph, creating matter out of
nothingness these cars cannot be programmed to have psychologically
healthy personalites or, at the very least, a decent working
relationship.
- All secret organizations run by private companies, like Team
Knight Rider, have huge underground bases, nifty unifroms with
neato stripes across the collar and upper chest and a direct
feed to the Secret Service, CIA, FBI, Interpol and NSA computer
systems
- Speaking of the Secret Service: they have a direct connection
to Dione Warwick and her psychic friends. Having not been told
by TKR that a ICBM is on its way they manage to get the president
aboard AFO and call one of the TKR *cars* to let it know what
they are up to
- Christian Slater has a younger, uglier clone who works for
TKR.
- The leader guy, after specifically stating that he wanted
to enter the missle launch site as quietly as possible, orders
the big black truck(codenamed Beast) driven by the big black
guy(TM) to laucnh a missle at the compound and then drive straight
through the metal gate.
- You can see why they picked him to be the leader because
he looks the most professional on a team made up from rejects,
losers and morons from every major goverment agency.
- People with level X(insert whatever number) cleareance will
always think they have the highest level of clearence available
until they try ot access something at which point the computer
will go ahead and TELL them that yes, there are higher clearences
but, no, you can't have one.
- Psycho-Marines who are willing to launch a nuclear weapon
on the captital of the country they swore an oath will use tranquilizer
darts on anyone who gets in their way
- Said Marines cannot tell the difference between being on
a moving plane and one at rest
- Airplanes have space shuttle-like airlocks with giant fans
that can push a grown man out the door and onto the ground
- Passcodes are best left at 3 digits because no computer in
the world could get by that level of encryption
- No one in the US military platoon guarding an ICBM silo will
be able to hit the rider of motorcycle with automatic weapons.
- One expression is all you need when a man you admired betrayed
his country, lied to you and proceeded to attempt to have you
killed. And you have to arrest him.
- No one but TKR could arrest him, BTW. Because everyone else
was out playing tiddlywinks or something
- All super-genius people behave really stupidly until the
last 5 minutes of an impending crisis.
- In the last five minutes of a crisis you can relax and let
the plot take over
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