From:    "Death Inc." <death_inc@holyducttape.com> 
Date:    Wed Nov 17, 2004 12:02 am 
Subject: Death Inc.'s Secret Antarctican Research Lab


====OFFICIAL RELEASE====
====SECURITY LEVEL: CONFIDENTIAL====

As acting members of the World Oligarchy in good standing, you have been
cleared for basic knowledge of the new, secret, evil megacorp known as Death
Inc. This is a private company wholly owned by Senior Prophet Paul Pulley,
but has strong Oligarchy ties and will often work in tandem with Oligarchy
interests.

Death Inc.'s global headquarters is located at the Fortress of Doom, in
Raleigh, North Carolina. As you may have heard from previous releases, this
is where many of our mainstream projects, such as Paul's Army of Drunken
Rednecks and the Shut The Fuck Up? Button, are directed from. However, we
have a second base of operations, located in Marie Byrd Land, Antarctica.
Since Paul is the Oligarchy's Governor of Antarctica, he selected this base
to be his capital, in order to wield total control over the area.

The Antarctican base is the headquarters of Death Inc.'s R&D&R&D department
(Research and Development and Random Destruction). This is where our top
mad scienticians develop the products that one day may be found in your
own home, but at this early stage are way too dangerous even to be on the
same continent with any populated area. The head of the R&D&R&D department
is Dr. Noah Freeze, also a Junior Prophet in the Oligarchy.

Today we join Dr. Freeze as he presents the R&D&R&D facility. This is an
official transcript of Dr. Freeze's guided tour.

NF: "First, there is the matter of our security system. The system is capable
of keeping a large number of people from attempting a conquest of the facility.
This system is the most advanced system of its type. It may seem unnecessary
to place such a focus on security here, in the most desolate part of the
world; but due to our research into fifth-dimension technology, there's
no telling where we'll accidentally open a doorway through space-time. In
particular, for reasons which are still classified, the security system
is designed primarily to defend against an invasion from France.

"The first step, in case of such an uprising, is simply to push the big
chartreuse button beside the main entrance, while the last of the personnel
safely evacuate into the secure coffee shop/break room, which has been fully
stocked with enough snacks to last out a 12-month siege. This button starts
a 10 minute delay allowing all insurgents to enter the labs. Immediately
after the delay runs out, the entire facility is filled with a self-sudsing
purified lye soap. This, mind you, is only a millimeter thick layer, which
is sprayed onto the floor through the sprayer system in the ceiling. It
then suds and expands to 150,000 times its size. After another 5 minute
delay, the base is flushed out by 10 billion gallons of freshly collected,
but still only just above freezing, glacier water, carrying the insurgents
out to sea.

"Now, let's move on to the labs. Our research activities at the facility
include construction and testing of the latest in armaments technology,
the head-explodey device. We are convinced that at a specific tone, the
human head will explode like a balloon. So far, all test subjects have merely
imploded.

"The holographic hooker project has met with some unexpected setbacks, in
that the emitters keep shorting out during testing. Also, work is nearly
completed on the 'oops-there-went-a-small-country' cannon.

"Research continues into the possibility of a constant energy source utilizing
Michael Moore clones eating nothing but beans and cabbage. The method of
methane collection is in development, but we are certain that within a year
we will be able to power the entire facility from the fat asses of only
6 Michael Moore Clones.

"Moving on, you will find our latest project, and the one I'm most proud
of. This is the latest in psychological warfare: the stupidity grenade.
As you can see, it is"

Unfortunately, at this point, a trap door suddenly opened under Dr. Freeze's
feet, plunging him into the bowels of the facility. More information will
be released after his retrieval.

Official Release
Death Inc. Public Relations