The Original
Shut the Fuck Up™ Button
Another fine product from the evil bastards at Death Inc.
Do you lack the
ability to stop talking about whatever crazy-ass idea is running through your
head? Do you live or work with someone who does? Well, now you don't have to!
From the Death Inc. Research and Development Laboratories comes the latest in
personal anti-annoyance technology: the Shut The Fuck Up™ Button!
How does it work? Simply bring the installee to a Death Inc. affiliated medical professional, and the Shut The Fuck Up™ Button will be installed directly behind the earlobe. This is a perfectly safe, fast, outpatient procedure. Once installed, simply press the button for instant silence!
When activated, the device delivers an interference signal to the cerebral cortex, interrupting the brain's ability to form speech. This signal is applied for five minutes, after which the installee will be able to resume talking. Then you can simply press the button again, as needed!
To
find a medical doctor near you who is licensed to perform this procedure, simply
call your local Death Inc. regional office and ask for a medical liaison. Or,
see your personal doctor and ask if he/she has received Death Inc.
accreditation.
Side effects associated with use of the Shut The Fuck Up™ Button vary, and have included seizures, brain damage, psychological damage, cerebral palsy, stroke, and coma. If you wish to install the device on yourself or a willing third party, you or the patient will have to sign a waiver absolving Death Inc. and your medical professional from responsibility.
If you are bringing in a third party who is not entirely willing, you must agree to accept all responsibility for any future problems associated with the device. You must also pay an additional legal insurance fee, which will provide you access to Death Inc.'s army of lawyers and bribery specialists in case of any lawsuits you may incur.
The procedure is reversible, for a significantly higher fee than installation. Contact your local Death Inc. regional office for details and payment plans.
Testimonials:
"I just couldn't stop talking -- I bugged the hell out of all
my friends. I always told them to interrupt if they got tired of hearing me, but
they couldn't get a word in edgewise! Now they can simply press my Shut The Fuck
Up™ Button, and I can take a breather! Thank you, Death Inc.!" --Debbie
Johnson, Chicago, IL
"This creep at work was always hitting on me. So finally I
invited him to the bar after work, slipped him a mickey, and dragged him in to
install a Shut The Fuck Up™Button. I even sprang for the
remote control, so I can put a stop to his advances before he even makes it to
my cubicle!"
--Leslie McCabe, Topeka, KS
"My girlfriend is insane. She'll start a spontaneous rant about anything, anytime, anywhere. I always threatened that I was going to install a Shut The Fuck Up™ Button on her, and as soon as my minions invented it, I did! And remember, I'm not just a Death Inc. customer, I'm also the President!" --Paul Pulley, Founder and CEO of Death Inc.
Get yours today!
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