HAIL TO THE OLIGARCHY

Glossary and brief bios for the epic story series

Note: This glossary contains major spoilers! If you haven't read the Trilogy
yet, go back and read it first. This glossary is for reference purposes only.

• Allah: Duct-Tape-Class God worshipped by those of the Muslim faith. Allah had a run-in with Head Prophet Cronan Thompson, and decided to assist the Oligarchy in defeating Canadian forces at the Québeçois shipyard.
• Andorra: Small country between France and Spain; actually a warship built in the 1950's by the French. Borrowed by Jean Chretien to use against the Oligarchy in the Canadian War.
• Apple, Fiona: Annoying singer with a low IQ. Apple aided Jean Chretien in the Battle of Paris, but was captured after getting beat up by the members of the Barenaked Ladies.
• Arrival, the: Date on which Jean Chretien was to return at the Québeçois shipyard, four centuries after disappearing in Paris.
   
• Baffin Island, Canada: New home of the entire population of Andorra.
• Barenaked Ladies: Band of five men from Canada. The members of this band recognized the evils of much of their country, especially Prime Minister Chretien, and headed the Canadian Resistance force. More information on the band is available at their homepage.
• Base Française Méchant Primare, La: French military base at the southern border, where Andorra was launched from.
• Bastille: French prison taken over in the first French Revolution; later used to imprison Jean Chretien and his allies after being captured in Paris.
• Beaufort, Carter: Senior God and drummer for the Dave Matthews Band. Weapon of choice: rocket launcher.
• Beauséjour, Manitoba: Site of Jean Chretien's hideout after escaping from Enloe.
• Belgium: Small nation led by evil morons and well-known for their waffles. The government of Belgium was eventually purchased by the Eggo Waffle Corporation.
• Ben Folds: Lead singer and pianist of Ben Folds Five.
• Ben Folds Five: Band from Chapel Hill, NC. On a tourist trip to Paris, the band saw Jean Chretien and Alanis Morisette doing battle with the Barenaked Ladies, and stopped to help out. They diverted Morisette's attention and captured her.
• Brokaw Team: A team of Oligarchy superheroes and Senior Gods who were instrumental in the capture of Saddam Hussein in Buenos Aires. Created by Bob Doughboy in the Little Bob Chronicles.
• Brokaw, Tom: Senior God, anchor for NBC Nightly News, and head of the Brokaw Team.
• Bryce, Lt. Cmdr.: Crewmember aboard the scout ship Ned Gerblansky.
• Buckley, Nicole: Sergeant in the Oligarchy's 14th Special Forces Group.
• Buenos Aires, Argentina: Largest city in South America, and site of Saddam Hussein's capture by the Brokaw Team.
• Bumstead, Dagwood: One of the Three Gods of Sandwichmaking.
   
• Canada: Evil nation led by Prime Minister Jean Chretien.
• Canadian Resistance: An organization of Canadian citizens whose goal is to overthrow the tyrannical Canadian government.
• Castellow, Aethel: Warden of the Prison-Nation of France.
• Castro, Fidel: Former head of Cuba; he was captured by the Oligarchy in the Canadian War during a futile invasion of Florida. Borrowed a couple hundred million dollars from Pimp-Bot 5000 to revitalize the Cuban economy.
• Celebrity Deathmatch: Claymation show on MTV, on which Connor MacLeod and Bevin Conners fought Jean Chretien and Canadian officer Major Doleur.
• Chretien, Jean: Formerly the Prime Minister of Canada; he is now an escaped war criminal. He led a brief war against the Oligarchy, with allies Fidel Castro and Saddam Hussein, and later attempted an attack on the Prison-Nation of France with the help of annoying singer Alanis Morisette. Chretien is a Highlander-style immortal.
• Conners, Bevin: Senior God, demon, Chief Goddess of Pain and Wanton Destruction, and Oligarchy Secretary of Defense. Weapons of choice: the Evil Deadly Hairclip, and Pixy Stix. Interrogated Jean Chretien after the Canadian War; later led a peacekeeping force in anticipation of the Battle of Paris. Joined Connor MacLeod in a tag-team battle against Chretien and Canadian officer Major Doleur.
• Cornbred, Stacey: Interviewer for Celebrity Deathmatch.
• Creeggan, Jim: bass guitarist for the Barenaked Ladies.
   
• Darius, Lieutenant: Navigator of the scout ship Ned Gerblansky.
• Dave Matthews Band: Rock band made up of five Senior-Class Gods. They were temporarily captured by Jean Chretien in Beauséjour, Manitoba, but escaped and were instrumental to Chretien's capture in Paris. More information on the band is available at their homepage.
• De Guerre, Gen. Mort: Military chief of staff of the Québeçois shipyard.
• De Vigny, Jacques-Charles: Overseer of the Québeçois shipyard.
• Delilah: Duct-Tape-Class Goddess who is generally believed to have created the earth. She currently takes the form of a fat, black, lesbian midget who lives in Baton Rouge and laments her creation.
• Dent, Arthur: One of the Three Gods of Sandwichmaking.
• Detroit, Michigan: City invaded by Mounties at the beginning of the Canadian War.
• Diamond, Nick: Announcer for Celebrity Deathmatch.
• Doleur, Major: Canadian officer at the Québeçois shipyard. Assisted Jean Chretien in a battle against Connor MacLeod and Bevin Conners.
• Dillon, Brendan: One of the three Co-Rulers of the World, TRUE RELIGION Head Prophets, and General Purpose Gods; and also author of the Hail series. Deceptively normal at first encounter, Brendan's insanity shines through when you get to know him or read his works.
• Dion, Celine: Annoying Canadian singer. Dion aided Jean Chretien in his attack on France, but was captured by the Dave Matthews Band.
   
• Eiffel Tower: Tower in Paris, France; site of the final battle of Jean Chretien, Alanis Morisette, Fiona Apple and Celine Dion against the Dave Matthews Band, Barenaked Ladies, and Ben Folds Five.
• Enloe Oligarchy Government Complex: Primary government complex, including the offices of Brendan, Cronan, and Wayland. Formerly Enloe High School, it was converted when the Oligarchy took over. It is on Clarendon Crescent, in Raleigh, North Carolina.
• Explodiate: (verb) To explode brilliantly, impossibly close to Our Heroes, without causing them any harm whatsoever. (Source: The Cronan Dictionary)
   
• Fourteenth Special Forces Group: Unit of Oligarchy Green Berets who assaulted the Québeçois shipyard.
• Fraggle Rock: Famined asteroid-colony. The scout ship Ned Gerblansky was on a mission to deliver a shipment of fresh radishes when they discovered the Québeçois shipyard.
• France: Prison-Nation controlled by Aethel Castellow. Built the nation-warship Andorra, which was used against the Oligarchy by Canadians.
• Fundamental Interconnectedness of All Things: Based on the theory that every single particle in the universe is related to every other particle in the universe. Certain Interconnectedness masters can use it to manipulate weather and other things. Such masters include Cronan Thompson, Dirk Gently, and Dave Matthews, as well as the evil Alanis Morisette.
   
• Gomez, Johnny: Announcer for Celebrity Deathmatch.
   
• Handy, B.J.: Prophet Junior Grade in THE TRUE RELIGION. Acted as chief engineer of the U.S.S. Oligarchy One.
• Harris, Lt. Cmdr.: Crewmember aboard the scout ship Ned Gerblansky.
• Hearn, Kevin: Keyboardist for the Barenaked Ladies.
• Hiroyoshi, Petty Officer: Crewmember aboard the scout ship Ned Gerblansky.
• Holt, Jeremy: Master Sergeant in the Oligarchy's 14th Special Forces Group.
• Holy Omelettes: Made from the Omni Omelette recipe from Gregory's Restaurant in Raleigh, NC.
• Holy Sandwich: The holiest meal in the universe. Description available here.
• Hussein, Saddam: Former President of Iraq; he was captured by the Brokaw Team in the Canadian War while attempting to nuke Buenos Aires, and handed over to the Oligarchy.
   
• Inspector P: Field reporter for NBC; formerly had a feature on The 'Loe Down, Enloe High School's morning announcement show.
   
• Jackson, Brent: Oligarchy Computer Crimes Inspector-General. Investigated Chretien's hacking into THE TRUE RELIGION's website.
• Je Suis Bleu: Tent bag puppet loyal to the Oligarchy. Held captive by Canadian officer Major Doleur.
• Jessee, Darren: Drummer for Ben Folds Five.
   
• Kalat, Robin: Sub-governor of Norway.
• Kenwood, Dr.: Chief medical officer of the scout ship Ned Gerblansky.
• Kibo: Also known as James Parry. Overlord of the Internet.
• Kirke, Franklin: Former guard at Enloe, later found to be a native of Newfoundland; helped Chretien escape from Enloe.
   
• Lane, Mills: Referee for Celebrity Deathmatch.
• Lessard, Stefan: Senior God and bass guitarist for the Dave Matthews Band. Weapon of choice: AK-47.
• Little Bob (person): Senior God and alien from the planet yppaH, and a member of the Brokaw Team.
• Little Bob (ship): A yppaHian Intel-class shout ship used by the Brokaw Team.
• Lucky Strike cigarettes: Favorite of Wayland. Their stock skyrocketed after he became a Co-Ruler of the World.
   
• MacLeod, Connor: Born in the Highlands of Scotland in 1518; immortal. MacLeod eventually joined the Oligarchy Army Special Forces, reaching the rank of Major. MacLeod participated on an assault on the Québeçois shipyard, and later killed Jean Chretien on Celebrity Deathmatch.
• Matthews, Dave: South Africa native, Senior God, and Fundamental Interconnectedness of All Things master who became lead singer and acoustic guitarist of the Dave Matthews Band.
• Meals, Ready-to-Eat (MREs): 20th century military rations.
• Mecklenburg, Ensign: Crewmember aboard the scout ship Ned Gerblansky.
• Milton, Lt. Cmdr.: Crewmember aboard the scout ship Ned Gerblansky.
• Montalban, Ricardo: Actor known for playing Khan in Star Trek II and Mr. Roarke in Fantasy Island. Accidentally rendered bald by Cronan while attempting to repel a Canadian invasion.
• Montrell, Sgt. Stephen: Radarman in the Oligarchy Air Force.
• Moore, Leroi: Senior God, Jedi knight, and saxophonist for the Dave Matthews Band. Weapon of choice: light saber.
• Morisette, Alanis: Annoying Canadian singer and evil master of the Fundamental Interconnectedness of All Things. Morisette aided Jean Chretien in his attack on France, but was captured after getting beat up by the members of Ben Folds Five.
   
• Ned Gerblansky: Oligarchy scout ship which discovered the Québeçois shipyard.
• New Andorra: Short-lived city on Baffin Island, Canada, populated by the former citizens of Andorra.
• Norman the Elf: Sadistic, blue, three-inch-tall, sometimes invisible elf who lives on Cronan's shoulder, bears an uncanny resemblance to Calvin (from Calvin and Hobbes), and is a Junior God. Norman was instrumental in the defeat of Andorra, Chretien's final gambit in the Canadian War. Before the Oligarchy's takeover, he ran for Student Body President at Enloe High School. More information is available at his homepage.
• Not-So-Little-Bob: Senior God and alien from the planet yppaH, father of Little Bob, and member of the Brokaw Team and the Men in Black. Infiltrated Ottawa, Canada, and found out about Saddam Hussein's plan to nuke Buenos Aires.
   
• #oligarchy: Meeting room on Internet Relay Chat (IRC) for Oligarchy officials when they're in different parts of the world.
• Oligarchy One, U.S.S.: Flagship of the Oligarchy Starfleet, sometimes commanded personally by the Co-Rulers of the World.
• One Week: Song by the Barenaked Ladies, which was performed during a victory celebration after the Battle of Paris.
   
• Page, Steven: Lead singer and guitarist for the Barenaked Ladies.
• Paris, France: Capitol of the Prison-Nation of France; attacked by Jean Chretien and Alanis Morisette in an attempt to take over the nation.
• Pathfinder: Shuttlecraft from the scout ship Ned Gerblansky. Destroyed at the Québeçois shipyard.
• Phillips, Wayland: One of the Co-Rulers of the World, TRUE RELIGION Head Prophets, and General Purpose Gods. A prime example of the fact that even a General Purpose God can suffer from nicotine addiction.
• Pimp-Bot 5000: Senior God and android from New York City, designed by Conan O'Brien's father to be a space pimp. Member of the Brokaw Team.
• Pixy Stix Torture: Favorite interrogation method of Bevin Conners. Used against Jean Chretien before his escape from Enloe.
• Pocket Shuttlecraft: Classic Star Trek-style shuttlecraft filled with the latest nonsensical technology. Owned by Cronan, and used to repel the Canadian invasion of Detroit and the Andorra gambit. More information is available at its webpage.
• Powers, Austin: British secret agent and famous photographer. Instrumental to Saddam Hussein's capture in Buenos Aires.
   
• Québeçois, V.E.C: Canadian starship built to fight the Oligarchy in the far future.
   
• Raleigh, North Carolina: Capitol of The World Oligarchy, site of the Enloe Oligarchy Government Complex, and would-be victim of Chretien's Andorra gambit.
• Reality Field: Shielding system aboard the Pocket Shuttlecraft, which makes energy weapons useless by making them adhere to real scientific principles.
• Recon: Shuttlecraft from the scout ship Ned Gerblansky. The only shuttle to survive an attack from the Québeçois shipyard.
• Robertson, Ed: Guitarist for the Barenaked Ladies.
   
• Sandwich, Earl of: One of the Three Gods of Sandwichmaking.
• Scorpion: Shuttlecraft from the scout ship Ned Gerblansky. Destroyed at the Québeçois shipyard.
• Scott, Annette: Captain of the scout ship Ned Gerblansky.
• Sledge, Robert: Bass guitarist of Ben Folds Five.
• Smith, Jason: Prophet Otaku-Class in THE TRUE RELIGION; later Co-Ruler of the World. Acted as operations manager of the U.S.S. Oligarchy One.
• Spoon: A battle cry. Also the name of a Dave Matthews Band song, later declared to be an Alan Smithee song, due to the evils of Alanis Morisette, who did backup vocals.
• Stewart, Tyler: drummer for the Barenaked Ladies.
• Superfly: Song by Alex Galston. Favorite of Little Bob.
   
• Taco Bell Chihuahua: Bilingual dog who led a revolution in Cuba after Castro was captured by the Oligarchy. Currently sub-governor of Cuba.
• Tinsley, Boyd: Senior God and violinist for the Dave Matthews Band. Weapon of choice: Kill-O-Zap rifle.
• Thompson, Cronan: Also known as Plain and Simple Cronan. The least sane of the three Co-Rulers of the World, TRUE RELIGION Head Prophets, and General Purpose Gods. Owner of the Pocket Shuttlecraft. His shoulder is home to Norman the Elf. His favorite activities are MiSTing and Usenet trolling, and he is a high-ranking member of the Kamikaze Peep Squad.
   
• Veracruz, Commander: First officer of the scout ship Ned Gerblansky.
   
• Wake Medical Center: Hospital on New Bern Avenue, Raleigh, NC, where Norman the Elf was taken after the Andorra gambit.
• Warlord: Shuttlecraft from the scout ship Ned Gerblansky. Destroyed at the Québeçois shipyard.
• Winchester, Lieutenant: Crewmember aboard the scout ship Ned Gerblansky.
• Windsor, Ontario: Source of the Canadian invasion of Detroit.
   
• Ziggy: Genuine People Personality in the Pocket Shuttlecraft's computer. He is unremittingly hostile, has received a Cardassian medal for cruelty, and is fully capable of ruining anything if given enough time and resources.