The Mustang

By Brendan Dillon and Wayland Phillips

Chapter Three

Jason worked an onboard diagnostic to find out why the car broke down after Wayland's hair was restored. "According to this, you have a missing U-joint bearing where the left-side fubar connects to the steering filibuster." He fished through Scott's bag of junk and found the missing part.

Wayland changed into a pair of magnetic boots, expanded the atmosphere bubble to ten feet outward of the Mustang, got out of the car and walked along the steel body to install the part. Jason stuck his head out of the window to ensure that Wayland didn't screw it up.

Once fixed, the Mustang made its final approach to the mall parking lot to find that they were oriented wrong. "I guess we were upside-down all along," Wayland said.

They pulled into an eerily empty parking lot. Apparently the insurgence of evil forces at the mall -- that is, evil forces other than those you would normally see at a mall -- had scared away all of the customers. The Co-Rulers donned their battle gear and strode into the mall, like the Three Amigos.

As they walked in, the mall was quiet -- too quiet. They prepared to draw their weapons at a second's notice. But as they walked deeper into the mall, they let their guard down. There wasn't a tree in sight.

"I guess we barked up the wrong tree," said Jason.

Wayland and Brendan slapped the back of his head in unison.

They began to approach the center court of the mall, most of which was closed off by sheet-rock due to ongoing construction inside. As they made it about halfway to the court, an army of trees started marching toward them, emerging from stores in every possible direction. Jason shouldered his modified Nerf weapons. Wayland withdrew his CDs and Brendan aimed his M16 rifle with grenade launcher. The three stood back to back to back and began to let loose their barrage; and thus began the Great Tree-God Battle for the anti-gravity hair.

Brendan estimated the range to the closest bunch and popped off a grenade. The explosion sent bark and wood chips in all directions. Jason let loose with a Nerf gatling gun loaded with explosive-tipped darts, while Wayland severed limbs and branches with his razor-edged CDs.

As the remaining trees grew nearer, Brendan reduced another squad of arbor troops to mulch and slung his rifle across his back, pulling a pair of hedge clippers from a specially-designed holster. Jason attached his hand to a chainsaw, "Army of Darkness" style, and Wayland activated his light saber with a "whoosh." The trees attempted to grab the heroic trio and push them over a rail to the floors below. In their reduced numbers, they had little success. The Co-Rulers' flurry of hacking, sawing and cutting made quick work of what was left of the trees.

As the last of the trees fell, a series of vines dropped from the fourth floor, and reinforcements rappelled down to the battlefield on the third, some of them with branches carved to a sharp edge. Jason set his chainsaw on "high" and spun around, chopping as many branches as possible, and held his katana in the other hand to defend his flank from wandering twigs and wooden blades.

Brendan made the signal for chemical weapons, and the three donned gas masks. Brendan pulled the pin from a gas grenade filled with Uproot and tossed it towards the bellicose forest. The trees began to hack and cough as the anti-weed spray soaked into their roots.

Wayland carved at the last of them with his light saber, and the heroes waited at the ready. As it became clear that no more trees were coming, the tension became too much for Wayland, and he began to sing.

"Ohhhhhh, I'm a lumberjack and I'm okay
I sleep all night and I work all day...."

Brendan and Jason grabbed Wayland by the arms and dragged him onward.

Meanwhile at Enloe, Wayland's 22-month-old daughter, Emily Jane, was bored. She had escaped from her mother's watch, and since then had pointed out to everyone she could find at the Oligarchy government complex that they were indeed wearing shoes today.

She wandered around, looking for new and exciting places she could explore, when she came across the former auto shop, which was now the base of the Enloe motor pool. She toddled into the area, noticing a new space cruiser sitting there with the hatch open. This seemed to be a very interesting thing, so she decided to explore it. Climbing into the craft, she saw one of her favorite things -- buttons! Once she had crawled into the main seat, she hit a big button that seemed to look important. The computer awoke and asked her, "What is your destination?"

Emily Jane giggled at the funny sounding voice and hit the button again. Again the computer asked, "What is your destination?" Emily Jane giggled again, and started babbling a little. The first word the computer was able to decipher was "Da-da," and with that, the hatch closed and the shuttle launched into space.

The trio continued to search the mall for the Evil Singers and captured bands. They searched floor by floor, giving special attention to the stores best known for their evil tendencies, like the Gap and the Disney Store.

After searching the top three floors with no luck, Jason decided to split off and see what new anime DVDs were available at Suncoast. Wayland and Brendan continued to search the first floor, but with no success.

Brendan and Wayland dejectedly walked to the sheet rock-enclosed center of the mall. Wayland was getting frustrated. Having run out of ideas, he began asking Brendan (and himself) stupid questions like, "If I were a trio of truly evil singers, where would I be?" He then tried some acting techniques he learned in college theater classes, hoping he could think like the singers for a little while. It ended up making him want to beat his head against a wall.

He sat down on a bench, wracking the remnants of his brain, until a very distinctive smell wafted by his nose. He knew that amalgamation of red dye 40 and cheap alcohol anywhere -- it was Cisco! And it was coming from inside the construction area!

They returned to the fourth floor and approached the rail that surrounded the enclosed area. Wayland handed three of  his Peep grenades to Brendan and circled over to the other side. Simultaneously, both GPGs threw a grappling hook over the top of the walls and jumped the rail. As they descended, both of them ate the heads off of the Peep grenades, then stuck the gooey marshmallows to the walls in three places. Upon reaching the bottom, they took shelter behind specialty booths as the grenades exploded, filling the air with chunks of sheet rock and clouds of dust. The walls fell and exposed a huge vat lined with boilers, and a cage dangling overhead.

Brendan coughed and rubbed his eyes as he peeked over the sales counter of the Piercing Pagoda. The view he beheld was like none other he had ever seen. The vat was nearly thirty feet in diameter, and filled nearly to the brim with strawberry-flavored Cisco, heated to boiling. The cage above contained none other than Yoshiki, Shirley Manson, and the Dave Matthews Band. Most of them were very drunk from Cisco fumes.

Off to the side was a room which normally would be the base of operations for the construction crew.

Celine Dion and Britney Spears immediately rushed out of the booth, in response to the commotion. "I've got the bimbo," Wayland said.

"Which bimbo?" Brendan replied.

"The silicone one."

Brendan quickly radioed Jason with a situation report, and each Co-Ruler prepared to defend himself.

Jason dropped the DVDs he was perusing (except for the latest Trigun release, which he tucked away discreetly). He began to make his way out to the hallway, but before he reached the exit, the grillwork door dropped suddenly, locking Jason into the Suncoast. He tried to stop, but he smacked right into the door, leaving red lines across the left side of his face.

Jason peeked through the grillwork as he clutched his smarting face. He could easily see the vat and suspended cage from his vantage point. He retreated to the cashiers' station and searched for a manager's terminal. After switching out a few circuits with chips and cards he had brought with him, he managed to hack into the mall's computer. He tried to access the mall security protocols, hoping he could raise the grill from there, but they were locked out.

"Damn," he muttered under his breath. He called the others on his watch radio. "Guys, I'm stuck in here. I'm in the computer, but I can't hack the door. Let me know if there's anything I can help with from here."

In the suspended cage, seven musical hostages sat and slowly lost their senses as red steam plumed up from the vat of Cisco and into their lungs. Shirley Manson tripped over her own elbow as she leaned towards Carter Beauford. "Hey, uh... is Dave, you know, gonna be okay?" she slurred.

"Yeah, I think sho. He, ah, he's trying to... coun... counteract the influence, and stuff, of Alanis. He's a master of the Fundamental Interthingy, you know."

"Fundamental Interthingy?" Shirley giggled. Her intoxicated mind interpreted this as something lewd.

"Yeah, Interconnectedness, that is. Of, like, All Things. Or something."

"Oh, cool. Hey, Dave, how's it going?" Manson blurted out.

Dave Matthews opened one eye. "Stop talking so loud, my head hurts," he said. "I'm trying to reduce her power, but it's only working a little. I'm drunk as hell, dude," Matthews concluded with a chuckle.

Yoshiki said something in Japanese, and then laughed hysterically.

"Doesn't that fucking guy speak English?" yelled a bellicose Stephan Lessard.

"Probably," said Leroi Moore. "But shit, man, I know Russian fluently, but I'm too fuckin' drunk to speak it now." More giggles followed.

The two singers ran in opposite directions, distracting the Co-Rulers from their goal. Wayland began chasing Britney through the mall, as she weaved around sales booths and decorative fountains. Soon she came up with a plan, and turned around to face Wayland. She lifted her shirt, revealing her vast... tracts of land, a sight known paralyze men like the siren's call.

Wayland seemed unfazed, finding the obviously augmented breasts unappealing. "I have a wife who breastfeeds. Do you really think that's going to slow me down?"

Astonished that Wayland was immune to her massive mammaries, Britney took off again. Wayland had nearly caught up with her during her failed gambit, but once she got moving, she managed to stay just out of his reach. Wayland began tossing sharpened AOL CDs at her, hoping to wound her enough to capture her; one of them slashed her right breast. She flailed around in pain, and a stream of silicone gel sprayed out randomly. Some of the gel hit Wayland in the eye, leaving him temporarily blinded.

He quickly dunked his head into a nearby fountain, attempting to flush the artificial liquid out of his eye, and resumed the chase. Due to his blurred vision, Britney managed to put some distance between herself and the Co-Ruler. Wayland resumed flinging CDs at her, but due to his reduced acuity, his aim was even worse than his usual scores at the Enloe range.

Just as Wayland began catching up with Spears, he tossed a CD which bounced off of a support truss, then ricocheted off of a bench, then a kiddie train, flew straight past Britney's ear, and knocked a ceiling tile loose. The tile plummeted straight onto Wayland's head.

He recovered quickly, and by this time, his eyesight had returned to a useful level. He tossed a CD and wounded Britney in the lower leg. Thinking quickly for once, she limped hurriedly into the nearest ladies' restroom.

Wayland, fearing what unmentionable horrors could await him if he entered the ladies' room, paced outside the restroom door like a husband waiting for his wife to return. After about five minutes, he decided that she had no intention of leaving. Wayland called Jason on his wrist-radio for backup. "Hey dude, Britney's in the ladies' room. You think you can do anything with the mall's computer to get her out?"

"Why don't you go in after her?"

"Dude, it's the ladies' room, Bessie would kill me!"

Jason thought for a minute, and tinkered with his connection. "Yeah, I think I've got something. Get out of the way, and be ready for her to come out in a hurry."

"Thanks, dude."

Wayland could hear the sounds of all of the toilets flushing and water running like crazy. He prepared to capture the pop star, and a moment later, the door burst open under tsunami-like force. Thousands of gallons of water rushed out into the corridor, carrying Spears with it. As the flood dissipated, the incapacitated singer laid on the floor looking like a half-drowned rat.

He handcuffed her with a zip-tie and carried her to a nearby store. He found a length of rope, secured Spears to a bench, and returned to help out elsewhere.

Meanwhile, Brendan pursued Celine Dion in the other direction and powered up his Kill-O-Zap laser pistol. Celine made a quick decision and changed course, ducking around a corner, just in time to elude a beam of destructive energy from the pistol. Instead, the beam blew a three-foot hole in the wall -- which happened to be an outer hull, separating the safe environment of the climate-controlled mall from the harsh vacuum of space. Trash and small goods began circling in midair as the mall's oxygen supply began rushing through the breach.

Brendan, being a General Purpose God, could easily survive in a vacuum (though uncomfortably), but he wanted to capture the singers alive. He peered in the direction Dion had run, checking which corridor she was heading towards next, and dove directly forward. Once off the ground, the suction of nearby vacuum pulled him down the hall at a rapid clip. About halfway down, Brendan frantically grabbed the edge of a doorway and threw himself into a store called Great Outdoors, Inc.

Quickly Brendan found what he needed. He attached an inflatable raft to the largest air pump he could find, and hit the switch. As the raft expanded to full size, Brendan grabbed a large roll of duct tape.

Disconnecting the pump, Brendan jumped out of the store and rode the raft on an air current until he reached the end of the hall. The loss of pressure slowed down as the raft covered the hull breach, and stopped entirely when the Co-Ruler sealed the raft in place with duct tape.

He quickly regrouped and crossed the mall at a dead sprint, searching for Celine Dion. Finally he caught up with her at an electronics store, where she was in the process of setting up a karaoke machine, plugging it into the mall's intercom system and programming it with the Titanic theme song.

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!" Brendan screamed as he dove towards the machine. Celine grabbed a microphone stand and swung it while Brendan was in midair, knocking him into a nearby wall. As he slowly rose, holding his right shoulder as if it were his child, he looked above him and noticed a selection of universal remote controls racked on the wall.

With a glimmer of hope, Brendan grabbed one of the remotes, tore its packaging open, and hit the "power" button. Thirty radios, all on different stations from gangsta-rap to polka, came to life and began blaring.

This was enough to stop both hero and villain in their tracks. Brendan switched the radios off and tossed the remote at Dion. It bounced off of her bony head and barely slowed her down.

As she finished connecting the karaoke machine to the mall intercom, Brendan grabbed another remote, this time making sure it was set to the frequency of Dion's machine, and deactivated it. Celine switched it back on. The two went back and forth until the constant switching caused the remote to blow a fuse.

Brendan abandoned the remote-control plan and rushed to another aisle, pulling a white-noise generator off the shelf. He removed it from the box and plugged it in just as the karaoke machine began to blare. The generator muffled Celine Dion's music somewhat, but it was simply not powerful enough. Soon it could only succumb to the pure destructive force of "My Heart Will Go On," and it, too, became unserviceable.

Brendan clutched his ears in agony as Celine crooned into the microphone. He was rolling into a back corner when his elbow caught on something. He opened one eye and noticed a cord leading from the karaoke machine's central power unit to a wall socket. "Of course!" he thought out loud, as he gave the cord a good yank, leaving the evil Dion singing into a dead mic.

When she realized what happened, the singer turned around to find Brendan slinging a lasso fashioned out of a length of telephone wire. He soon had Celine Dion captured and tied to the cashier's booth, and for safety's sake, used some of his remaining duct tape to cover her mouth.

As Brendan headed out of the electronics store, Wayland's voice chirped in from his wristwatch. "Dude, Britney's been neutralized. Meet me in front of Suncoast; it's gonna take the three of us to take on Alanis."

Wayland and his light saber were making short work of the cage when Brendan arrived at Suncoast, and soon the trio was united once again. For the first time ever, Jason was glad to be out of Suncoast.

"Let's rock," Wayland said as he started towards the center of the mall with the others in tow.

"Umm, shouldn't we figure out what we're going to do first?" Jason asked worriedly.

"No way. Plans are overrated," Wayland replied. "If we don't know what we're going to do, how will she know?"

As they approached the central area, the Co-Rulers noticed the captured musicians flailing around in the cage as red steam floated up from the vat. They didn't seem terribly upset about their situation, due to their extreme intoxication. Dave Matthews was the exception, deep in concentration and very still, except for a couple of times when he fell over.

Brendan attached his watch to one of Jason's standard Nerf darts and fired it into the cage, and then he and Jason covered the booth that hid Alanis Morisette. Wayland keyed the mic button on his own watch, yelling, "We're about to go in! Does Alanis have any defenses? Is there anything we need to know?"

Boyd Tinsley fumbled with the tiny radio and looked down at the Co-Rulers. From three stories up, they looked very small. "How are you going to fight her? You're, like, up to her knee."

"Huh?" was all Wayland could say.

"Let some grown-ups do the universe saving. And stuff." Tinsley cackled.

"Whatever. Let me speak to Dave."

"I think he's busy doing ooga-chaka type stuff."

"Just give him the radio, please."

A moment later, Dave Matthews' voice transmitted over the radio. After moaning from his aching head, he asked, "Who's this?"

"Wayland Phillips, Co-Ruler of the World. We need to know what's going on in that booth."

"Oh. Okay. Um, Alanis is in there, and she's using that Fundamental stuff. You know, like me. She's trying to steal our musical talent. That's why she got us drunk. I've been trying to block her, but it's hard. I'm stronger than her, but she's soberer than I am. Sob-sobererer. Er." He trailed off.

"Does she have any defenses to keep us out?"

"Not that I know of."

"Okay." Wayland joined the others. "He doesn't know of any defenses, but it could still be booby-trapped. We need to be careful. Let's go."

Jason opened the door to the booth. His eyes flashed as big as dinner plates and he slammed the door shut.

"What's wrong?" Wayland asked nervously.

"How big is this booth?" Jason stammered.

"I'd say about twenty by twenty-five feet or so. Why?"

"Look inside."

Brendan opened the door to reveal an expansive cavern, certainly much larger than the booth. "Damn it! They have fifth-dimensional technology."

"What's that?" Wayland asked.

"Our labs have been working on this for a while. It allows you to have a large space inside of a smaller space by simultaneously occupying the fifth dimension. They must have stolen the technology from us."

"There was a security breach at one of our labs in Research Triangle Park," Jason commented. "That was about a month ago. They must have been the ones responsible."

"Well, we'll have to take care of that later," Brendan said as he walked into the cavern. The others followed suit and closed the door behind them.

Suddenly, a great rumbling sound piqued the Co-Rulers' attention, followed by the sound of chains moving. Wayland nervously reached for the doorknob, but it was no use. "We're locked in," he said.

The three started running for dear life. The cave narrowed to a small corridor and they came upon a bottomless pit. Brendan let out a bit of duct tape and lassoed it over and around a sleeping tree. He swung over the pit and tossed the dangling tape back to Wayland, who followed suit. As Jason traversed the pit, the tape began to tear and he lost his grip, falling onto the opposite edge. Before he could slip into the never-ending abyss of the fifth dimension, Wayland and Brendan grabbed an arm each and pulled Jason up to the surface.

A series of razor-edged copies of "Jagged Little Pill" fired from the walls as they ran past, barely missing them. Up ahead, they noticed a mall security grill lowering to block their access forward. They made a mad dash down the corridor and dived underneath (with Jason going first this time). With barely a foot to spare, Brendan looked back and noticed his roll of duct tape, which had dropped from his load-bearing vest, on the other side of the grill. He made a daring grab for it, snapping it back only microseconds from losing his hand to the dastardly security device.

A rumbling could be heard in the distance as the Co-Rulers rose to their feet. Wayland looked up and noticed a twenty-foot-tall roll of gaffer's tape rolling on a collision course with them. "Shit!" he exclaimed, as the three scurried farther down the tunnel, heading in the only direction open to them. Finally they reached a dead end, with the gaffer's tape gaining on them.

Jason kicked a hole in the sheet-rock wall and found that there was real space on the other side. The others joined in, crumbling bits of drywall away until the hole was large enough for them to crawl through. They quickly dived out just as the gaffer's tape collided with the wall, blowing construction dust everywhere.

When the dust cleared, the Co-Rulers found themselves surrounded by trees, with pointed branches held at their throats.

Brendan, Wayland, and Jason were quickly disarmed and corralled into the corner of the room, obviously the base of operations for the Evil Singer/Tree alliance. They could clearly see Alanis Morisette, deep in concentration, poised over the Cisco vat's control panels. She was slightly oblivious of her surroundings as she mentally fought through Dave Matthews' resistance, desperate to steal the hostages' talent. A squadron of trees fenced in the Co-Rulers, with maple cannons at the ready.

Wayland signaled the others with a light pat on his change pocket.

Jason smacked his forehead. "Fuck! Why did I let you guys convince me to tag along with you? Every time you start one of your crusades, we get into this kind of trouble!"

"Oh please," Brendan replied. "We wouldn't be in this mess if you weren't so damned impatient. While we searched for the bands, you were rifling through anime, like you don't have enough. You never help us when we need it. Hell, you haven't posted to the True Religion mailing list since May, 2000!"

"So, it's not like Wayland does anything either, except send everyone random comments. Neither of us have ever had real power in the Oligarchy -- you run everything and pretend we have some kind of status too."

"Hey, I practically built Oligarchy University's Alconomics department from the ground up," Wayland chimed in.

"So you wrote some silly equation. Since when has anyone needed to do algebra to get drunk? A shotglass and a bottle of Jagermeister is plenty. That 'drunken equation' is almost as bad as Brendan's stupid cheese theory."

"I've never shut either of you out of power. Both of you chose your own level of involvement," Brendan inserted. "If you guys made a suggestion or a decision every once in a while, we'd be on the same level."

"You know, I didn't always want to be a Co-Ruler of the World," said Wayland. "I was going to be an actor. I had an audition once..." Wayland, seeing that he had the trees' attention, began setting up his stage presence. "I had an audition once, before I started any of this, which would have propelled my career -- until I came across that squirrel."

Wayland crouched on the ground, staring intently at a non-existent rodent. The trees, allowing their hatred for squirrels to get the better of them, were mesmerized by his story. They let him move wherever he wanted to.

"As I stared at the squirrel, I knew I was in for trouble. There he sat, holding my monologue in his mouth, mocking me. I knew if I made any sudden moves, he'd run and I'd never fulfill my lifelong dream," he released a sigh in mid-sentence, "of appearing in 'Grease.' So I watched. And he watched. And I watched. And then... he..." The trees, anticipating the squirrel's action, gave Wayland a little more space.

"...He watched! After a couple of hours, I knew he wasn't about to back down, and I'd have to do something about it. So I reached to grab the paper." Wayland, now in his groove, dove at the imaginary animal. "Like a shot, he ran away!" The Co-Ruler stared blank-faced at a nearby tree, as if his squirrel had just climbed it. Falling to his knees, Wayland raised one hand to the sky and continued, "I faced the heavens and cried, 'John Travolta, why hast thou forsaken me!' ...And that's why I failed at the audition of a lifetime. DUCK!"

The other two Co-Rulers quickly hit the ground as Wayland's free hand pulled a noisy cricket, which the trees had missed in their search, from his change pocket. He blasted out the side wall, taking out two trees in the process. The force of the weapon flung him back to the opposite side of the room.

Brendan and Jason leapt to their feet and darted out of the newly created escape route. The less-than-intelligent trees followed them in pursuit, leaving Alanis undefended. She rose, startled into awareness of her surroundings by the noisy cricket, and approached her nemesis. Wayland quickly focused on the Fundamental Interconnectedness of All Things -- which one noted filmmaker has mistakenly called the "Force" -- and with a "fwip!" the lightsaber that had been confiscated from Wayland shot into his open hand. He activated it just in time to defend against the first slash of Morisette's saber.

"I knew this day would come, Darth Hack," Wayland said ominously. "You shall not find my powers wanting."

"You are a fool, Wayland," Alanis said, swinging her saber. "Even with the powers you have attained, you cannot defeat an Interconnectedness master. I will commit the bodies of you and your friends to space."

"I've been told before that I should be committed, but it won't be by you." Wayland deflected a few jabs and slashed overhand. Alanis raised her light saber to meet his attack.

Regrouping, Alanis said, "There is something you don't understand about the people you supposedly rule. To some, the Oligarchy may be a force for good, lighthearted, intelligent humor." The two exchanged a few low slashes as she continued. "But most people aren't that intelligent. People like what's popular, regardless of quality. And that's why you can never be as powerful as me."

Wayland raised his light saber. The glowing light seemed to paint his face Duke blue. Alanis, thinking she had damaged his confidence and lowered his defense, attacked Wayland's midsection; Wayland quickly flipped the saber 180 degrees down, forcing the Canadian's saber outward. The weapons crackled loudly as they scraped against each other.

"Perhaps you are right, Alanis. But I believe that there is one way to raise the lowest common denominator, and that's to get rid of those who appeal to them. I think I'll start with you."

Meanwhile, Brendan and Jason sprinted down the first corridor in sight, trying but failing to lose the trees. After a few moments, Jason found himself out of breath. "Brendan," he gasped, "we've got to stop. I can't make it much farther."

"We have to keep going. You know what those trees will do to us if we let them catch us. And you have more hair than Wayland and I combined."

"Having more hair than you is not very difficult." Jason panted and scanned the nearby stores. "Wait, Brendan. I have an idea."

Brendan followed Jason into Spencer's Gifts and kept watch, while Jason frantically searched through the odd assortment of merchandise Spencer's carries. "What the hell are you looking for?" Brendan yelled.

"Hold on," Jason replied as he found the shelf with bottles of humorous "pills." Following his eyes with his finger, he quickly found what he needed. "This way. Now."

The two sprinted across the hallway into a drugstore, noticing the trees gaining on them. Jason grabbed a bottle of water with a sports cap, opened it, and dumped in the contents of the pill bottle from Spencer's. They dissolved as he shook the water vigorously.

"Dude, we've got incoming!" Brendan yelled from the door. Jason dove into the corridor, spraying the belligerent flora with his solution as he emerged.

The trees smoldered and then dissolved.

A shocked Brendan stood and stared at the spot where the evil trees had been standing just seconds before. "Jason, what the hell was that?"

Jason tossed the empty pill bottle to Brendan and he examined the label:

ANTI-HORNY PILLS
Stops raging wood!

Brendan groaned and collapsed.

Wayland and Alanis sparred back and forth, neither gaining ground on the other. Wayland jumped back, dodging a low slash from Alanis, and countered with a slash from above, which Alanis parried. The movements of the two fighters created the illusion of a primal dance in the heat of their battle. Streaks of light filled the room, crashing together and coming apart again, until Alanis spun around, catching Wayland by surprise, and nicked his hand, burning off one of his pinky fingers. He screamed in pain and lost control of his weapon, sending it spinning across the room. He dove out of the way of another slash from his enemy and attempted to regain his composure.

"Hey, I've seen this movie before. Are you gonna tell me you're my daddy now?" Wayland quipped. Just then, a shadow fell across the floor, distracting both of the combatants as they looked to the blast hole in the wall to see who was approaching.

"Who's there?" Alanis demanded of the back-lit individual.

As the new arrival entered the room and became visible, the response came back in a soft, young voice: "Da-da?"

"Emily Jane, what are you doing here?" screamed a concerned Wayland, as Alanis tried to use the distraction to gain a further advantage. She leapt at Wayland, her light saber thrust forward. Wayland dodged, hit the floor, and rolled toward his saber. Alanis recovered from her momentum and stepped on Wayland's chest, stopping his roll, and prepared to bring down an impaling blow.

Emily Jane toddled to Wayland's light saber. "Wow!" she yelped as she picked it up by the handle. Alanis looked up, startled by the motion of the blue saber; Wayland grabbed her leg and pulled, hard, sending her crashing to the ground.

"Put that down, Emily Jane, that's not a toy!" Wayland called to his daughter, as both adults got back on their feet and resumed a fighting stance. Alanis swung her weapon at the unarmed Wayland, but suddenly, the blow was halted by another saber.

"YAY!" Emily Jane giggled at the flashing light and crackling noise of the impact. She began waving the saber around to show it to Morisette. "See?"

"I see it, you stupid kid," the evil vocalist said, brushing it aside with her own saber.

"Emily Jane Phillips! That's very dangerous! Give it to Daddy right this moment," Wayland ordered frantically. "One... Two..."

The diminutive demigoddess ignored her father's attempts to recover the weapon, flinging it around like a cheap Hasbro knockoff. One swing barely missed Alanis' right shoulder. "Buzz off, rugrat!" Morisette screamed. But Emily Jane was having too much fun watching the trail of light and hearing it hum through the air. Alanis had no choice but to defend herself against the accidental attack.

Emily Jane giggled and shrieked as Wayland looked on, horrified. He gave up trying to rein in his daughter when he realized she was making an effective offense against his Canadian nemesis. Still fearing for the child's safety, he sprinted to the table of confiscated weapons, grabbed Jason's katana and joined in.

The father-daughter tag team closed in on Morisette. She began defending herself fervently, swinging her saber at seemingly impossible speeds to block moves on both sides. Wayland attempted to use every opening, only occasionally having to deflect an attack from his own daughter. Alanis started looking desperate, flailing and dodging thrusts as quickly as she could react. Finally she found herself backed into a corner.

"Surrender now, Alanis, and I might be able to get her to stop," Wayland announced.

"Not on your life, Oligarchy scum."

"It's not my life I would be worried about, Alanis. It's yours."

Just as Wayland placed the katana at Morisette's throat, Emily Jane discovered a button on Wayland's saber. She excitedly pressed it, inadvertently turning the weapon off. Now bored, she dropped it and gazed at Alanis' feet. "Shoe!" she squealed, pointing at them. She clapped and wandered across the room.

Alanis, stuck in a corner with no options, began to laugh. "What a surprise. You talk big, Co-Ruler, but you can't even control your own daughter. How can you believe that you control the world? You and your equally useless friends don't have a clue. It's been years since the AOL War, and you still haven't found a single sign of the French Mafia. Your worthless OCB practically owns the Eiffel Tower these days, but haven't found any clues of what happened to Jean Chretien. And the music recording industry.... well, let's just say we have more up our sleeves than you could dream of. You may have saved your precious bands today, but rest assured, this is far from over."

She disabled her light saber. Wayland immediately noticed a small keypad on the side of the handle. Before he could react, she punched a three-digit code. The corner section of the walls separated and spun like a revolving door, moving Morisette to some unknown chamber on the other side.

Wayland snatched his light saber from the floor and began cutting through the walls, but it was too late. The escape pod beyond the false wall had already ejected from the mall and into space.

The General Purpose God suppressed an expletive, gathered his daughter and rushed out to find the others.

"Brendan, Jason, you guys still alive?" Wayland inquired into his watch-radio.

"Yeah," Jason replied. "We set up a holding area for Dion and Spears over at Mall Security. The OCB should be here soon to pick them up, and to give Dave and the others a lift back home."

"Good. Meet Emily Jane and me at the Mustang. Alanis just jumped ship, and I'm going after her."

Brendan and Jason started off towards the parking lot, then stopped, looked at each other, then looked at Jason's wrist. Jason keyed the radio and asked, "Um... dude, did you just say you and Emily Jane?"

"Yes, I said me and Emily Jane, now get your as... er, butts over here! I need you two to baby-sit."

They all arrived at the car at about the same time. Wayland handed Emily Jane to Brendan, then started up the Mustang and took off.

He fired up the scanners to see what direction to follow, but they showed nothing. "Damn it, where is she?" he muttered, piloting downwards in relation to the mall in hopes that the pod had kept in that direction. After a few minutes, he gave up. Morisette was nowhere to be found.

Wayland turned back towards the mall, then turned on the windshield and called his wife. "Honey, I've found EJ. She decided to follow us out on our little adventure. Alanis just got away. We're on our way home, and we're going to grab a late dinner. I'll bring you back some Taco Bell."

"Okay sweetie, I love you." Bessie replied.

"I love you too. I gotta go, I'm racking up roaming charges on this thing. See you soon," Wayland said, and turned off the screen.

As he approached the parking bay, he yielded to an oncoming OCB cruiser and landed in his original parking space. The Co-Rulers guided the Criminal Investigation Service agents to pick up the prisoners. Wayland drained the Cisco vat into space, and the CIS agents lowered the cage and corralled the drunk hostages to their spacecraft.

"Make sure you get those guys some food, and a lot of coffee," Wayland ordered. "After a few hours of breathing Cisco fumes, I think they're going to need some."

Later that night, the Co-Rulers arrived in Durham and pulled into the driveway of Wayland's house. Wayland unstrapped Emily Jane, and Brendan grabbed a bag with everyone's dinner. As they entered the house, Wayland kissed his wife and gave the toddler to her.

They all gathered around the dining room table to eat. "That mall ought to be shut down, I suppose," said Jason.

"I don't know," Brendan replied. "Now that we've destroyed the trees and driven the Evil Singers from it, maybe it'll improve. I'll make some calls tomorrow and see if I can get it bought out by new management."

Emily Jane waddled up to Jason's chair. "Ga!" she babbled, reaching for Jason to pick her up. Jason glared at her, and sent her to Wayland.

Wayland nursed his regenerated pinky finger. "I think I'm going to start driving the Ghetto Sled again for a while..." he started.

"Thank Delilah," Jason muttered.

"...Because I'm sending the Mustang back to R&D. I'm ordering a flux capacitor for it."

Jason began to choke on a piece of taco shell. "Jeebus, are you insane, Wayland?"

"Of course."

"The last thing we need is you messing around with the timestream. Count me out on that one. I can't believe that you--"

Jason was interrupted by the sound of an angry mob on Wayland's front lawn. Brendan turned around and peeked through the Venetian blinds on the window behind him. "Dude.... there's about thirty scantily clad chicks and guys dressed in drag holding picket signs out there."

"What?" Wayland dropped his Chik-Fil-A nugget and opened the door, to find all the regulars from Raleigh's "Rocky Horror Picture Show" protesting in front of his house.

"What the hell is going on here?" Wayland yelled, as Bessie walked out to see what the commotion was.

"You guys trashed the Rialto!" yelled a guy dressed in Dr. Frank-N-Furter's fishnet stockings and brassiere. "We showed up and the whole front end was collapsed. That phantom subway train that you sent under Five Points wrecked the place!"

Bessie glared at Wayland, and smacked him lightly in the head. "You wrecked the Rialto? Why did you do that?"

"Crap, I forgot all about that," Wayland called out to the crowd. "Don't worry, I don't want to lose the Rialto any more than you do; I was once a Rockyite myself. The Oligarchy will compensate Ambassador Entertainment and rebuild the Rialto to their specifications."

"Yeah, and what do we do until then?" yelled a Magenta lookalike.

Wayland called into the house, loud enough for the mob to hear. "Brendan, do me a favor and call Enloe. Make arrangements for Rocky to be shown in the West Auditorium until the Rialto's rebuilt. Starting tonight."

The crowd cheered, piled into their cars and set out for Raleigh.

"Now, back to business," Wayland said as he closed the front door. "Emily Jane's powers seem to be developing early. We better get her in a training program, before she hurts someone...."

Several weeks later, Alanis Morisette continued to float through space. She had run out of food, and the confined space was taking a serious toll on her sanity. Only one thing kept her going: her hatred for the Oligarchy and desire for revenge. She fawned over a row of hydroponic tree saplings as if they were her own children. "You saved your precious bands, Oligarchy scum, but this is far from over," she repeated to herself. "Far from over... far from over..."

Droplets of Cisco beaded off of the escape pod's hull as it drifted further into the abyss.

The End