Oligarchy NewsWire

Keeping you informed, like it or not.

The Oligarchy NewsWire is your source for the latest news about our progress towards global takeover, struggles with enemies large and small, and any other items of interest to members and supporters of The World Oligarchy. Here you will find not only breaking news articles from the Oligarchy press corps, but also official releases from the Oligarchy government and its officials. You can keep up with the most recent events, or delve into the Oligarchy's history by way of our archives.

In addition to these articles, you can also read our public editorial section, Letters to the Oligarchy, in which we respond to letters from flamers and politicians alike. In addition, we have a fledging Columns segment, in which designated columnists will blather about some random topic on a semi-regular basis.

To receive the latest breaking news from Oligarchy NewsWire directly, you can join The World Oligarchy, which includes membership of the Oligarchy's e-mail list. Members of this mailing list are alerted of new developments immediately, and can discuss their ramifications.

Each entry is dated and includes a code indicating the article's author. The codes are as follows:
BD -- Brendan Dillon, Co-Ruler of the World
CT -- Cronan Thompson, Co-Ruler of the World
WP -- Wayland Phillips, Co-Ruler of the World
O -- Other (noted in article)

Recent news:

• Escape from the North Pole (Dec. 17, 2004; O) -- A long-separated member of the Oligarchy tells the tale of her escape from the clutches of the evil Santa Claus, and the formation of P.A.S.S. (People Against Santa's Shit).
   

• The Truth About Santa (Dec. 17, 2004; BD) -- In a follow-up to the above article, Oligarchy Intelligence releases sensitive information learned about Santa and his political agenda.

Archives:

[1996] [1997] [1998] [1999] [2000] [2001] [2002] [2003] [2004]

2004:

• Death Inc.'s Secret Antarctican Research Lab (Nov. 17, 2004; Multiple) -- An official release from the Death Inc., regarding the evil megacorporation's newly opened laboratory in the frozen wasteland of Antarctica.
   

• Annual Cronan Memorial Wake coming soon (Aug. 31, 2004; BD) -- The 5th and 6th Annual Cronan Thompson Memorial Wake Party is announced, to take place on the weekend of November 5, 2004.
   

• Oligarchy Flag Redesigned (July 9, 2004; BD) -- The Co-Rulers reveal a complete redesign of the Oligarchy's official flag.
   

• Congressional Recruiting (June 3, 2004; BD) -- When a member of Congress solicits the Oligarchy for campaign support, Co-Ruler of the World Brendan Dillon offers him a deal of mutual support.
   

• Mission Accomplished (April 10, 2004; BD) --  Brendan returns to the Oligarchy seat of power after an eight-month undercover mission in Afghanistan.

2003:

• Two Down, One to Go (Dec. 14, 2003; BD) -- Two of the Oligarchy's enemies from the Canadian War, Jean Chretien and Saddam Hussein, fall from grace within days of each other. Also includes the follow-up Fidel Ca-ncer-stro, detailing why the third member of their alliance should not be long to follow.
   

• Rebellion Report (Nov. 14, 2003; BD) -- Latest developments during a rebellion by the Oligarchy's own Norman the Elf.
   

• Departure (June 23, 2003; BD) -- Brendan prepares to embark on his mission to Afghanistan.
   

• The Computer God Rises Again (June 23, 2003; WP) -- With Brendan's negating influence far away, Wayland again attains his former power as the God of Electronics.
   

• Mission Update (March 5, 2003; BD) -- Brendan informs the masses of his imminent trip to Fort Hood, Texas, and the possibility of an overseas tour later in the year.
   

• Fascist Attempts to Join the Oligarchy (Jan. 21, 2003; BD/WP) -- Jack Grimes, a fascist write-in candidate for the U.S. Presidency, requests membership in the World Oligarchy, and is promptly and harshly ridiculed.
   

• Another Mission (Jan. 13, 2003; BD) -- Brendan announces the beginning of a second undercover mission with the U.S. military, which may take him overseas to the Middle East.

2002:

• Second Phillips Child Born (Nov. 20, 2002; WP) -- Donna Marie Phillips, the second demigoddess progeny of Co-Ruler of the World Wayland Phillips, is born in Durham, NC.
   

• Oligarchy Capitol targeted by Canadian Bank (Sept. 8, 2002; BD) -- The Royal Bank of Canada attempts to spread its influence in the Oligarchy's capitol, Raleigh, North Carolina.
   

• Missing Matt (July 9, 2002; BD/WP) -- The Oligarchy Criminal Bureau releases a missing person report on a high-ranking Oligarchy official.
   

• Brendan's Vacation Report (June 26, 2002; BD) -- Brendan secures the support of U.S. President Bush during a visit to Washington, DC, and does some sightseeing in New York City.
   

• Independence (May 13, 2002; BD) -- The sidewalk near the Oligarchy capitol building is granted partial independence, and a challenge is issued.
   

• Jean Chretien Spotted in Australia (May 9, 2002; O) -- The Oligarchy's #1 most wanted fugitive is tracked by an eagle-eyed member down under. (Author: Robert)
   

• Phillips Conceive Another Child (Apr. 26, 2002; BD) -- Wayland and his wife, Bessie, confirm that they are expecting a second demigod or demigoddess to be born later in the year.
   

• Oligarchy University is Open to the Public (Apr. 24, 2002; BD) -- The World Oligarchy officially opens the doors of its own higher education and indoctrination institution.
   

• Duct Tape Should Have A Good Home (Apr. 1, 2002; BD) -- A plea for humane treatment of nearly-used rolls of duct tape.

2000-2001:

• Statement on Equal Opportunity (Aug. 6, 2001; BD) -- Amid political correctness run rampant, the Oligarchy announces which groups it will not discriminate against, and which ones it will.
   

• The 2000 U.S. Election (Dec. 17, 2000; BD) -- The World Oligarchy, with the help of Norman the Elf, decides to fix the election, but none of the candidates are suitable to our needs.
   

• Operation Fall Leaves (Nov. 11, 2000; O) -- Oligarchy officials plan for a black ops mission deep in Canadian territory. (Author: Paul Pulley)
   

• Phillips Wedding (Oct. 17, 2000; BD) -- Photographs from the wedding of Wayland Phillips and Bessie Holfield Phillips in Danbury, NC.
   

• The Straw That Broke Yahoo!'s Back (Aug. 29, 2000; BD) -- The Oligarchy's cold war against Yahoo! begins.
   

• Radio Free Canada (June 22, 2000; BD/O) -- Classified radio broadcasts from the Canadian Resistance during the Canadian War are released to the public. (Includes audio segment in MP3 format. Authors: Brendan Dillon and Vinson Branch)
   

• Canada's Latest Weapon: SNOW!! (Jan. 25, 2000; BD) -- Canadian forces gain control of the North Carolina weather, temporarily crippling the Oligarchy.
   

• Pillsbury Doughboy Found Dead (Jan. 6, 2000; O) -- A cultural icon passes away. (Author: Unknown)

1999:

• Dogma and The True Religion (Nov. 28, 1999; BD) -- The latest Kevin Smith movie is compared to Oligarchy members' religious doctrine.
   

• Serious News: Cronan Thompson Dead (Nov. 2, 1999; BD) -- Oligarchy leader Cronan Thompson loses his six-month battle with cancer.
   

• New Commandments (Oct. 29, 1999; BD) -- Delilah passes down the Ten Commandments of THE TRUE RELIGION.
   

• Recon Mission to Sarajevo (Aug. 26, 1999; BD) -- While on his first overseas mission, undercover with the U.S. military in Bosnia, Brendan scopes out Sarajevo and discovers some disturbing influences.
   

• How I Twisted My Ankle (June 22, 1999; BD) -- Brendan is injured during an attack by a Canadian military officer.
   

• O Canada! (June 19, 1999; O) -- Official Scapegoat Matt Brown reveals the reasons for Canadian influence on the South Park movie. (Author: Matt Brown)
   

• AOL War Takes New Turn (June 15, 1999; BD) -- Oligarchy forces form an alliance with the Netscape Liberation Army during the military campaign against America Online.
   

• The Kosovo Conspiracy (June 14, 1999; BD) -- The end of airstrikes against Serbian targets in Kosovo brings the discovery of a horrifying truth: Yugoslav President Slobodan Milosevic is a French stooge.
   

• Me And My Cancer (June 2, 1999; CT) -- Cronan announces that he has been diagnosed with lymphoma cancer, but doesn't lose his sense of humor.
   

• The Pen and Sock Conspiracy (May 19, 1999; BD) -- The reasons why people so often lose ink pens and lone socks are discovered at last.
   

• AOL War Begins With Mixed Results (May 15, 1999; BD) -- In the wake of America Online's hostile takeover of Netscape, the Oligarchy is forced to declare war.
   

• My New Mission With the World Oligarchy (March 14, 1999; BD) -- Brendan announces that he will soon travel to Bosnia, undercover with the U.S. military, to direct Oligarchy concerns in the area.

1998:

• MSTing Clinton's Confession (Aug. 19, 1998; CT) -- U.S. President Clinton finally admits he got a blow job, and Cronan gives him the MST3K treatment.
   

• Y2K Is A Leap Year! (June 14, 1998; CT) -- A horrible twist in the dreaded Year 2000 Bug is discovered.
   

• Cronan's Summer Movie Preview '98 (May 16, 1998; CT) -- Cronan tells us what we're going to watch.
   

• Things I Learned From The 1997 Oscars (Mar. 24, 1998; CT) -- Cronan's review of the Academy Awards ceremony.
   

• Treaty of Brendan's House (Mar. 21, 1998; BD) -- The Oligarchy Civil/Cold War is officially ended.

1996-1997:

• Reunification Summit Begins (Nov. 30, 1997; BD) -- The start of negotiations between two factions of the Oligarchy, leading to the end of the Oligarchy Civil/Cold War, is announced.
   

• Microsoft Makes a New Ally (Nov. 28, 1997; BD) -- During Babylon 5's heyday, Microsoft is found to be in league with the notorious Shadows.
   

• I am Star Trek's Messiah (Oct. 24, 1997; CT) -- As the downfall of Star Trek begins, Cronan rises to be the new leader of its disillusioned fandom.
   

• High-Ranking Sock Puppet Murdered (Oct. 3, 1997; BD) -- A report of brutal conduct by Oligarchy official Bevin Conners.
   

• Muppet/Star Trek Crossover Imminent (Sept. 18, 1997; CT) -- Breaking news from Reuters-Variety.
   

• Khan-Wilson-Wonder Woman Conspiracy (Aug. 18, 1997; BD/CT) -- While watching a bad Wonder Woman movie, Oligarchy leaders discover that Star Trek's Khan is related to Wilson from Home Improvement.
   

• William Shatner's Hairpiece Spotted (May 13, 1997; O) -- The famous toupee takes a life of its own, and nearly takes someone else's life as well. (Author: Brian "Stimuli" Garver)
   

• I want to be your next Federation President (Feb. 3, 1997; CT) -- Cronan begins his bid to spread Oligarchy power to Star Trek, by running for President of the United Federation of Planets.
   

• OJ Simpson to buy Star Trek forensic equipment (Oct. 31, 1996; CT) -- In an attempt to find the real killers, OJ Simpson donates surplus tricorders and other Star Trek toys to the LAPD.
   

• A True Trek Conspiracy (Oct. 1, 1996; CT) -- A diabolical connection is discovered between Star Trek and Disney.
   

• The Worf-Pooh Conspiracy (July 14, 1996; CT) -- Star Trek's Lt. Worf is found to be a long-lost relative of Winnie the Pooh.

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