DULLES, VIRGINIA (DP) -- World Oligarchy forces converged on this center of America Online strength Friday morning as AOL began preparations to defend their headquarters. The battle began as the Oligarchy Army's 3-189th Infantry Battalion exchanged fire with an AOL field artillery unit. Though the Oligarchy achieved victory, benefits are light this early on. As more of our forces become involved, it will be easier to achieve strong results.

Meanwhile, days after being shut down by the Oligarchy Criminal Bureau, AOL's local offices in the capital city of Raleigh, North Carolina were vandalized by Netscape users and other protesters. Of the technical support staff and evil spies that originally occupied the offices, several are in custody, but most are at large.

Telephone lines connected to users were cut outside of Mindspring Enterprises' offices in Raleigh. Mindspring is a non-evil Internet provider. It is suspected to be the work of one or more of the escaped AOL agents. No arrests were made, but the matter is under heavy investigation by the OCB. Mindspring reports that the damage was repaired by the end of the day.

-- The Disassociated Press