DULLES, VIRGINIA (DP) -- Co-Ruler of the World Brendan Dillon donned an Army uniform once again and took charge of the World Oligarchy's forces on the America Online front on Sunday. While repositioning infantry and armored units to prepare for a major offensive on this AOL stronghold, troops were nearly attacked by Netscape guerrilla resistance fighters. When the mix-up was resolved, the leader of the NLA, or Netscape Liberation Army, was brought to the Army's temporary headquarters near the Virginia-North Carolina border. There, Brendan met with the NLA officer, Col. Martin Schuler, formerly a vice president of Netscape Communications Corp. before its invasion by AOL, and discussed the possibility of joint operations against the aggressive internet provider. No specifics were released for security reasons.

Meanwhile, Oligarchy Computer Crimes Inspector-General Brent Jackson found himself busy as the newly appointed head of the Oligarchy Criminal Bureau's NetForce. Modeled after Tom Clancy's NetForce, the division's first project is to investigate AOL's recent takeover of WinAmp and other internet-based MPEG file players. Though it is already known to be the fault of Prophet, Junior Grade Matt Brown, the Oligarchy's official scapegoat, AOL's control over the 90%-illegal MPEG industry poses a major threat to innocent hackers everywhere.

At a press conference Sunday, Oligarchy spokesman Norman the Elf said, "Those AOL assholes will pay for what they've done and Wake Med really pisses me off."

- The Disassociated Press