Matt, Director of Oligarchy Intelligence, sat in his office at OCB Headquarters at Research Triangle Park, NC. A song blasted from an MP3 file on his computer as he played Quake II. He had downloaded a new upgrade for WinAmp earlier that morning, and despite its recent takeover by AOL, it seemed to be working fine.

As he turned a corner in the Quake game scenario, an enemy he had never seen before began to fire at him. He returned fire, but it was no use. Matt was quickly killed by the new character. Just before the screen faded to black, he noticed something strange about the enemy. Rather than a head, an AOL logo sat atop his shoulders.

A message box opened on the screen. It read, "Game Over. Thank you for downloading AOL WinAmp Ultra."

In a suburb of Phoenix, Arizona, John O'Malley was nearly done downloading an MP3 of Cake's "Going the Distance." As it finally finished, he loaded up the new WinAmp and opened the file. Out of his speakers came the most dastardly noise imaginable. O'Malley cringed and covered both ears. He crawled across the floor to a power outlet and yanked the speakers' cord out of the wall.

"AOL has sunk to a new low," he thought as he deleted WinAmp entirely, hoping he could find an older version somewhere. "They replaced my MP3s with Celine Dion!"

An emergency meeting was called between the leaders of the Oligarchy Criminal Bureau. Brent, Matt, and Arthur Levesque sat around three sides of a table. On the fourth side, two tiny chairs were set up on top of the table, where Norman the Elf and Leann the Rock Troll sat.

"Something must be done about the WinAmp situation immediately," began Norman, Secretary of the OCB. "So far there have been 14 music-related deaths throughout the Oligarchy, and hundreds have been hospitalized for ear and brain damage as well as mental trauma. But the new AOL edition of the program has already spread too far to clamp down on it."

"Nine out of ten MP3s are already illegal," Brent volunteered. "But the last thing I want to do is something evil like actually enforcing those laws."

"True," replied the sadistic elf, "but this must not continue. AOL is using corporate buyouts to continue their evil quest to control the internet, just as Microsoft has been trying for years. Why, imagine a scenario before the Oligarchy took power where corporate buyouts are so rampant that CNN makes a deal to purchase the United States government. CNN immediately declares war on China via the US military, for the sole purpose of ratings. The government gives CNN reporters full access to nearly anything, while other news networks such as MSNBC only get what information is trickled out. CNN thus has a huge
advantage and their viewership skyrockets. But before long, China crushes an American offensive because CNN reports exactly where and when it would be before it happens. China soon takes over the US and launches global Communism all over again."

A silent moment passed. "Um, Norman?" asked Leann, the OCB deputy secretary. "What the hell did that have to do with anything?"

"Nothing whatsoever. I just had to get that out of my system."

"Look," Brent interrupted. "Matt and I have been working together and we may have found out where AOL has been controlling WinAmp players from. There's a compound in Virginia where we have detected a vast satellite uplink to most major computer networks. We've determined that this is where they're uploading all the evil music, viruses, and everything else from."

"Normally, we would use OCB agents to raid the compound," said Matt, "but it's behind the frontlines. This might be a job for the Army."

"I see," Norman said. "Give me a full report and I'll send it off to Brendan immediately."

The top leaders of the Army's Virginia Theater met in a hastily made camouflage tent. "All right," Brendan began. "I am about to give you the details of what I have named Operation Beefcake. As you know, AOL has recently taken over WinAmp, and has used it to spread their evil across the internet. The OCB has relayed information to is on where these uploads are taking place, and we are going to take it out. Here's the plan..." Brendan rattled off various troop positions and timing details using diagrams and satellite photos of the compound. After a brief discussion, the meeting was adjourned for unit commanders to prepare for the assault.

The Steve Case Compound for WinAmp-Related Silly Mayhem
2100 hours

"I'm finished uploading the Barbara Streisand collection, boss. That should cause some significant ear damage," said an AOL worker.

"Good," his supervisor replied. "Begin distribution of La Marseillaise."

An explosion was heard outside. Various evil individuals rushed to a window to see an Oligarchy Avenger. The armored Humvee truck had just taken out the compound's primary guard post.

"Shit!" the boss yelled. "We're under attack!" several people rushed to the door to find soldiers aiming rifles at them, ready to deal with resistance. The would-be escapees raised their hands in surrender, as three AH-64A Apache attack helicopters circled overhead, Hellfire missiles trained on the compound.

"God damn it. And just when we were about to send out William Shatner's Greatest Hits."

"And in AOL War news," began Tom Brokaw, "a compound in Virginia where AOL agents were controlling WinAmp
players throughout the internet was captured last night by Oligarchy troops acting on behalf of the OCB. The leaders of the compound are being interrogated by Oligarchy NetForce, while the others have become POWs under Army custody. While AOL still technically holds WinAmp within its grasp, the Oligarchy has distributed patches to block out their evil attempts to use the program as a weapon. The net is now safe from the MP3 Threat."