The History of The World Oligarchy
and THE
TRUE RELIGION
[1996] [1997] [1998] [1999] [2000] [2001] [2002] [2003] [2004]
January: Original Brendanism website launched.
"Brendanism" was our feeble beginning. It was a collection of pop culture references that Brendan was interested in at the time (most of which he has now long outgrown). Written on a whim, he had no idea how far it would go.
Spring: Brendanism renamed THE TRUE RELIGION and Cronan becomes co-Head Prophet.
Cronan's influences (particularly his worship of Duct Tape) started THE TRUE RELIGION on its ascent to what it is now.
Summer: Norman the Elf arrives in our dimension and takes residence on Cronan's shoulder.
Legend has it that Norman was kicked out of his dimension of origin due to a political fiasco involving Strom Thurmond. Upon arrival in our dimension, Norman merged with the dark side of Cronan's personality, and began living on his shoulder. Even less is known about the origins of Norman's girlfriend, Leann the Rock Troll, who lived on Cronan's foot.
October: The Great Star Trek Usenet Flame War (Cronan & Brendan vs. Amarna & Joyce Harmon)
Not really a TRUE RELIGION-related event, but still an important one in Cronan's online presence. He honed his flaming and trolling skills to a razor sharp edge, and kept going until he became a high ranking Kamikaze Peep several years later.
April 4: Tom Brokaw, Little Bob, and Pimp-Bot 5000 form the Brokaw Team to battle Dennis Rodman.
Bob Doughboy's first long story in the Little Bob Chronicles is published. The series would later be hailed as Holy Texts.
April 6: First Holy Day of Inspiration.
Brendan and Cronan added a whole buttload of stuff to THE TRUE RELIGION on this date. They decided to make a holiday to commemorate it.
Early May: The Un-Great Towel Debate of '97.
This was our first internal conflict. Brendan e-mailed to all members that towels shall be a holy object (citing The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy). Cronan disagreed, claiming he was once attacked in the shower by a flying towel, and declared towels evil. A small flame war resulted, which was sent to all members (some of whom were quite annoyed).
May 13: First Zarking Times published (later disbanded).
The Zarking Times was created to prevent further flame wars. This newsletter would announce all new holy stuff,
cutting down on e-mail, and had a discussion area. Five issues were published until it was eventually disbanded in favor of
an eGroups mailing list.
Late May: The World Oligarchy created.
Originally, The World Oligarchy was just a list of ordinances and executive orders, and had nothing to do with THE TRUE RELIGION. As the Oligarchy grew, the two became associated with each other, and now are practically the same thing.
September: The World Oligarchy Civil/Cold War begins. Wayland becomes Co-Ruler of the World on Brendan's side.
Cronan decided that he wanted to run the Oligarchy his own way, so he split off and created his own Oligarchy and Religion. Both versions claimed sovereignty over the other. Brendan claimed that Cronan and his cronies would be banished to the DNRC (see below), whereas Cronan declared that Brendan and Wayland (promoted to replace Cronan) were to be executed.
October: Bob Doughboy joins; Dogbert's New Ruling Class granted independence.
Bob Doughboy was invited to join THE TRUE RELIGION by Brendan when he stumbled across his Little Bob Chronicles. Feeling that an influx of new material would be good for the Religion, he offered Doughboy a Senior Prophethood, designation of his stories as Holy Texts, and his characters as Senior Gods. Bob's Brokaw Team later helped out in the Canadian War.
Dogbert's New Ruling Class is a Mediterranean region consisting of former Croatia, Elbonia, and Monosyllabia, which is ruled by Dogbert and Scott Adams. Brendan and Wayland's side of the Oligarchy granted it independence during the Civil/Cold War, in order to have someplace to banish Cronan and his people to. After the Oligarchy reunited, the DNRC retained its independence. To this day, it is one of only two areas of the world not governed by the Oligarchy.
March 21: Oligarchy Reunification Day.
The Civil/Cold War lasted two months before the two sides expressed desire to join back together, but negotiations and peace talks lasted another four months after that. Finally, the Treaty of Brendan's House was signed at a major Oligarchy party. The conflicting stories were solved thusly: Cronan was indeed banished, but not before executing Brendan and Wayland, who returned to life as General Purpose Gods (Cronan was a GPG already). Wayland was designated a Puppet Co-Ruler under Brendan's control, to keep Cronan in check.
April: Norman the Elf runs for Student Body President at Enloe High School. Brendan runs campaign.
About 80 posters advertising Norman's campaign were posted throughout the school as a senior prank. Unfortunately, the voting was done with ScanTron ballots, so write-ins weren't counted.
May: Hail to the Oligarchy is written.
Hail to the Oligarchy, the first full-length story about the Oligarchy, is about the Canadian War. The war started when Canadian Prime Minister Jean Chretien joined forces with Saddam Hussein and Fidel Castro to attempt to overthrow the Oligarchy and take over the world. Two sequels were later written, detailing further conflicts with Canadians in general and Chretien in particular.
June: Various Prophets graduate high school.
Brendan, Wayland, and Jason are included here. Cronan was already taking college courses.
August 20: Brendan joins the US Army.
Non-Oligarchy related, but important to a future event. Caused a lull in Oligarchy activity, since Brendan didn't write much of anything during training.
1999: (The Evillest Year Ever!)
March 12: Brendan departs for an undercover mission to Bosnia, under the guise of a US Army deployment.
Brendan went to study the Balkans area's readiness for Oligarchy control, and what could be done to lessen local racial tensions, which NATO has insofar been able to do only marginally. he also directed Oligarchy concerns throughout Eastern Europe, and went on a reconnaissance mission to the French military base near Sarajevo.
May - August: The AOL War.
In response to AOL's takeover of Netscape, the Oligarchy declared war, eventually joining forces with the Netscape Resistance, and even Microsoft, which is normally an enemy of the Oligarchy. AOL turned out to be supported by the French Mafia. The Oligarchy won the war, military-wise, but lost in the long run, gaining a new French threat that only makes itself visible when it wants to be.
September 20: The Day of Return.
Brendan returns from Bosnia after six months.
October 15: New Holy Website launched.
The new website was more easily navigable and looked a lot better. It also was moved to a shorter address (ducttape.simplenet.com), escaping from the evils of Xoom and Geocities. The website was later moved to www.holyducttape.com.
The first official Oligarchy flag was unveiled at this point.
November 1: Cronan is promoted to Duct Tape Class God in Training; Jason becomes Co-Ruler of the World.
Cronan died on November 1 after a six-month battle with Hodgkin's Disease. An Online Tribute to Cronan is available.
Wayland's status as Puppet Co-Ruler was stricken, and he became an equal Co-Ruler to Brendan. Jason was promoted to keep the Oligarchy a triumvirate.
January 1: The apocalypse doesn't occur.
Top Oligarchy officials celebrate the coming of Y2K by drinking themselves into a stupor.
Mid-January: Canada attacks North Carolina with snow.
Canadian snow machines bombarded NC with a record amount of the white stuff, terrorizing the Oligarchy capitol of Raleigh and stranding the Co-Rulers.
April 14: Oligarchy Peep Contingent established.
The existence and membership of the OPC, a division of the Kamikaze Peep Squad, was officially announced on the Usenet froup alt.fan.tom-servo.
June 22: Radio Free Canada released to the public.
RFC was a short radio broadcast which included a speech by Vinson Branch, high-standing member of the Canadian Resistance. It was originally broadcast during the Canadian War by an underground Resistance station in Manitoba, and was meant to condemn the actions of Canadian Prime Minister Jean Chretien. Later, the Oligarchy released a copy of the broadcast to the general public in MP3 format.
August 29: Yahoo! Cold War officially begins.
The evils of Yahoo! Inc. had been growing for some time, but at this point it became quite apparent that they had set their sights on the Oligarchy. Yahoo! gradually bought out every company that dealt with the Oligarchy throughout history, beginning with Geocities and moving on to eGroups and SimpleNet. For a number of reasons, the Oligarchy has been helpless to remove Yahoo!'s influences, but we are constantly keeping tabs on the evil company's next move.
October 14: Wayland marries Bessie.
Wayland is the first Co-Ruler of the World to take a wife. Since THE TRUE RELIGION has not designed its own marriage ceremony, Wayland and Bessie participated in a Christian wedding. Bessie's grandfather, a minister, presided over the ceremony.
October 20: The Oligarchy's Ten Most Wanted list is revealed.
The Oligarchy Criminal Bureau (OCB) releases wanted posters and reward information for the world's most dangerous fugitives.
December 8: The Holy Website moves, again.
Due to Yahoo!'s buyout of SimpleNet, the Oligarchy was forced to move its website to a new domain name under a Yahoo! web hosting account. The site was moved to www.holyducttape.com, where it remains today.
December 17: Norman the Elf reveals his involvement in the US Presidential election.
The Oligarchy was prepared to fix this election, but found that neither Al Gore or George W. Bush were suitable to our needs. So, taking advantage of a bad situation, Norman the Elf was recruited to sabotage the election and reduce voter confidence to a record low. This would make the transition to Oligarchy rule easier, as Americans would be disillusioned with their previous governance. The plan worked perfectly; the final vote resulted in long-lasting confusion and a lot of political grudges on both sides.
January 4: Emily Jane Phillips is born.
THE TRUE RELIGION's first demigoddess is born of Co-Ruler Wayland's deified seed and Bessie's mortal womb.
May 11: Douglas Adams dies.
The author of such works as The Increasingly Inaccurately Named Hitchhiker's Trilogy, Senior God, and inspiration to many TRUE RELIGIONists, passes to the next realm of godhood.
September 6: The Oligarchy's EO policy is announced.
The policy is as follows: The World Oligarchy will not discriminate on the basis of race, gender, creed, nationality (with the exception of Canadians, French, and Belgians), sexual orientation, handicap, or opinion of the band Queen. The World Oligarchy will, however, discriminate on the basis of stupidity, mortality, adhesive tape preference, political orientation, internet service provider, and preference of the Special Edition release of the Star Wars Trilogy over the originals.
September 11: Terrorist attacks in New York City and Washington, DC.
The attacks by al-Qaeda were not only a terrible, unforgivable act against the people of the United States, they were also a serious blow to Oligarchy interests. The World Oligarchy had a major regional office in the World Trade Center, which was destroyed in the attack. While we do not delude ourselves to think that this office was a primary target, we are certain that it was a definite and intentional bonus in the minds of al-Qaeda.
January: The Fortress of Doom is established.
The Fortress of Doom, one of THE TRUE RELIGION's Holy Locations, is a house in Raleigh, NC where a number of high-ranking Oligarchy officials live. Many of the Oligarchy's parties and official functions are held there.
February 2: Drunken Equation derived.
During an argument on the Oligarchy's e-mail list, Wayland and others calculate a new equation to determine drunkenness. This equation would later form the basis of Oligarchy University's Department of Alconomics Studies.
February 21: Oligarchy flag revised.
Since none of the Co-Rulers of the World drink beer anymore, the Foster's can which formerly adorned the flag was replaced by a bottle of Smirnoff Blue Label vodka.
April 24: Oligarchy University opens.
The Wake Forest, NC campus which Wake Forest University abandoned in 1956 is taken over by the Oligarchy's latest educational institution. Among other things, OU is the only college currently studying the new mathematical field of Alconomics, and houses the world's only laboratory of applied theology.
May 13: Enloe Sidewalk granted partial independence.
The sidewalk in front of Enloe Oligarchy Government Complex, formerly known as Enloe High School, is part of the Oligarchy if you are smoking a cigarette there. If you are not, however, it is an independent nation and you need a passport. A more detailed explanation is available.
June 19-24: While on vacation, Brendan secures U.S. support for the Oligarchy.
Brendan vacations in Washington, DC and New York City, but attends several official Oligarchy functions in the meantime. A vacation report was written upon his return.
November 3: Oligarchy bumper stickers are made available.
These long-awaited stickers are free to all for the asking.
November 20: Donna Marie Phillips is born.
Donna Marie is the second Demigoddess of THE TRUE RELIGION (after her elder sister, Emily Jane), and the second daughter of Wayland and Bessie.
December 17: The Mustang is released.
The Mustang, by Brendan and Wayland, is the latest major Oligarchy story, in which the Co-Rulers travel into deep space to do battle with evil pop singers and to find some lunch.
January: Brendan prepares for another undercover mission with the military.
Brendan went first to Fort Bragg, and then traveled to Fort Hood, Texas, to direct the rebuilding and retraining of the base, which was destroyed by a nuclear missile during the AOL War. Later, he went to Afghanistan to assist the Oligarchy military in its hunt for al-Qaeda.
July 29: Brendan continues his mission with a trip to Afghanistan.
The war against al-Qaeda is an important one to the Oligarchy, due to the destruction of a major Oligarchy regional office in the World Trade Center during the September 11 attacks. Brendan participated in the war in order to lend first-hand leadership support to the military, as well as to direct Oligarchy concerns in the region. He spent a large portion of his time undercover, working with a National Guard unit's motor pool to avoid suspicion.
November 5: Norman the Elf begins a rebellion and attempted takeover of the Oligarchy.
Upon announcement of the supposed Norman's World Oligarchy, Norman seized control of the Oligarchy's primary seat of power, Enloe Oligarchy Government Complex. With Brendan overseas and Jason missing, it was primarily up to Wayland and Paul, the leader of the Fortress of Doom, to overthrow Norman.
Meanwhile, Paul's brother Matthew had accepted a position as Norman's chief of staff, and directed Project Escort, which converted Cronan's old car into a flying battle wagon. After Norman and Matthew attempted a number of attacks on top Oligarchy officials, Wayland and Paul counterattacked in the Mustang, and chased them across the globe to Afghanistan, where they linked up with Brendan.
Norman managed to kill Brendan and escape. By the time Brendan had resurrected himself, Wayland and Paul were back home, working on their backup plan. Soon, Matthew, who was a double agent all along, brought Norman to Baton Rouge, where Delilah was able to suppress his ability to escape. Norman was quickly captured by mercenary forces loyal to Paul.
March 7: Norman the Elf is captured, ending Norman's Rebellion.
(See above.)
April 8: Brendan returns from Afghanistan.
Brendan's undercover military mission comes to an end after fifteen months total, and eight months overseas.
July 9: Oligarchy flag is revised, again.
Deciding that the format that had been used and adapted for years had finally outlived its usefulness, the Co-Rulers opted to start from scratch and designed the flag that is used today.
July 26: Norman the Elf is discovered to have been under mind control during Norman's Rebellion.
A mind-control substance is discovered in Norman's bloodstream, placed there by Sam Walton in an attempt to obtain control over the Oligarchy.
August 1: Paul's Army of Drunken Rednecks is established.
The A.D.R. is a subsidiary of Death Inc., whose founder and CEO is Prophet, Verstüken-Class Paul Pulley. The Army reports directly to Paul, but is primarily used to support Oligarchy operations.
October 2: The Oligarchy and TRUE RELIGION system of membership is reorganized.
The Holy Prophets and Sheeplike Followers lists are overhauled, giving our organization a more logical, hierarchical system of rank and classes among the membership.
November 17: Death Inc. establishes a secret research lab in Antarctica.
The R&D&R&D (Research and Development and Random Destruction) department of the evil megacorp Death Inc. is housed in a new laboratory in the frozen wasteland of Marie Byrd Land, and is headed by deranged scientician Dr. Noah Freeze.
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