The members of THE TRUE RELIGION have certain beliefs. As follows are some of the most important.

• We are loyal to (and are the only state sanctioned religion of) The World Oligarchy.
• The Earth was created (as the result of a bar bet) by Delilah, a fat black lesbian midget Duct Tape-Class God who currently resides in Baton Rouge, Louisiana and naps for centuries at a time.
• The Ultimate Answer to Life, the Universe, and Everything is Forty-Two. Everything that happens can be judged on a cosmic scale with the number 42 if you understand its meaning. Unfortunately, none of us understand the meaning because we don't know the Question, only the Answer.
• Duct Tape and Duct Tape ranked gods are to be heeded above and beyond even the Prophets.
• Those chemists can say what they want, but dilithium crystals must be able to exist somehow.
• Sex is wrong unless it is dirty, wet and messy.
• We do not hate Christ or his teachings... merely his followers.
• If it is on this webpage, it must be true.
• Having sex only for the sake of procreation is not only blasphemous but detrimental to the environment.
• Children are the future: handicap them anyway you can.
• Japanese School Girls are all magical lesbians.

Head Prophet Brendan Dillon received the following commandments from Delilah. Members of THE TRUE RELIGION should adhere to these commandments at all times, unless they're inconvenient.

1. If it art not stuck, yet it should be, thou shalt use duct tape. If it art stuck, yet it should not, thou shalt use WD-40.*
2. Thou shalt not drink anything which should contain caffeine yet dost not.
3. Thou shalt not drop thy Chalupa.
4. Thou shalt not allow thy leftovers in thy fridge to grow into Republicans.
5. Thou shalt endeavor to free thyself from all evil Canadian influences.
6. Thou shalt not eat Spam.
7. Thou shalt revere sandwichmaking as an art form.
8. Thou shalt not buy a Macintosh, nor shalt thee use any more Microsoft products than necessary.
9. Thou shalt not scorn thy imaginary elf.
10. Thou shalt wreak havoc in your local K-Mart.

* Commandment #1 adapted from Jim and Tim, the Duct Tape Guys.

Practices which we occasionally have fleeting thoughts of adhering to:

Loyal followers of THE TRUE RELIGION must donate each of your Head Prophets a significant sum of money every two months for development of THE TRUE RELIGION. This money is spent on the expansion of your prophets' minds through illegal pharmaceuticals (or at least intoxicating beverages). You may not think that those things would have any bearing on THE TRUE RELIGION, but those of you who have read the Dirk Gently series, by one of our gods, Douglas Adams, should know that it has a great effect through Fundamental Interconnectedness of All Things.

Occasionally, some members participate in a raid of a local discount store.

Most devout members of THE TRUE RELIGION are also involved in The World Oligarchy's quest for world conquest. Many young TRUE RELIGIONists attend Oligarchy University.

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