Gods and Holy Stuff

The most important God in THE TRUE RELIGION is the almighty Duct Tape. It's like the Force. It has a light side, a dark side, and binds the universe together. Usage of the satanic gaffer's tape is considered blasphemous.

The current list of holy objects, and descriptions:

  1. Duct Tape. [See above.]
  2. Reverse Neutrino Beams. [Useful in almost as many situations as Duct Tape.]
  3. The TurboCube. [Also known as the Holy Cube or simply the Cube.]
  4. The World Oligarchy's Holy Products.
  5. Road Guard Vests. [It's a US Army thing.]
  6. Ripped Napkins. [Rip holes in them and they become holy. Get it? Hey, don't blame us. It was Norman's idea.]
  7. The Claw. [The Claw is our master. It chooses who will go and who will stay.]
  8. Sporks.
  9. Spooooooons!
  10. Gerbers (a multi-plier tool).
  11. Underwear. [Not just regular underwear, mind you. It must have digital shielding, nanotechnology, and blue handles for when they ride up.]
  12. Brendan's US Army Class A uniform (which both (a) got us out of a speeding ticket and (b) enabled us to buy liquor underage, in the same night.)
  13. Bevin's boobs (see Prophets).
  14. Aluminum Foil.
  15. Disembodied steering wheels found in the Enloe High School ravine.
  16. Computers.
  17. The Windows Uninstall utility.
  18. WD-40.
  19. Orange traffic cones. (Because it's not a good night until you get a traffic cone.)
  20. Sundials.
  21. Ivario's planner (because it defies all known laws of probability.)
  22. Wayland's Holy Mysterious Golf Ball.
  23. Jason's leather jacket, because it shouldn't exist. (See why, below.)
  24. Brent's dart board (a corkboard with a bullseye drawn with a dry-erase marker) and his dart (a sharpened Phillips screwdriver).
  25. Human skulls.
  26. Television snow.
  27. Coffee mugs.
  28. Money.
  29. Legos.
  30. Zippo lighters.
  31. Plastic cotton spools.
  32. Sticky notes.
  33. Boosterspice.
  34. Half-empty Klein bottles.
  35. The Amityville Toaster. (Outside link; sound)
  36. Naked women. [Not all women are objects, just the naked ones.]

Jason's Holy Leather Jacket, which shouldn't exist.

The human(oid) gods and goddesses are as follows: [These are all Senior Class Gods, except where otherwise noted.]

And now, the holy foods:

  1. Sandwiches [The most holy meal in all the universe. To ensure maximum holiness, they must be made in a certain way.] 
  2. Holy Chili Dogs [Cannot use low-fat hot dogs. They must be topped with, from bottom to top: homemade chili, chopped onions, KFC cole slaw, sauerkraut, and mustard.] 
  3. Holy Chicken Salad. [Unfortunately, this recipe has been lost to the mists of antiquity for all time.]
  4. Cheesy Poofs and Snacky Cakes [Because they kick ass] 
  5. Omelettes 
  6. Pez 
  7. Pan Galactic Gargle Blasters 
  8. Anti-Voyager Zombies
  9. Smirnoff blue-label vodka. 
  10. Smirnoff Ice. 
  11. Marshmallow Peeps. 
  12. Baja Burrito.
  13. Pocky
  14. Jell-O Shooters. (Only when made by Prophet Bevin Conners.)
  15. Cröonchy Stars cereal (right). 
  16. The Cook Out (a burger and creamery chain in the southeastern US).
  17. Lilly's Pizza. 
  18. Jolt Cola. 
  19. Potato Chips 
  20. Tim Tams 
  21. Vegemite (the Holy Spread. Can be eaten AND used as camouflage paint.) 
  22. Chex Mix 
  23. Twizzlers 
  24. Sushi
  25. Ramen soup. [The real stuff, as served in a Japanese restaurant, not those store-bought noodle packets.]

Discontinued in 1989. Will be
reintroduced when the
World Oligarchy takes over.

Next are the holy animals:

  1. Interrupting cows
  2. Goats! Goats! Goats!
  3. Sheep (particularly Fornicating Sheep). (Note: Goats! and Fornicating Sheep are two equally holy animals which are in constant conflict. Each denies the other's holiness. This holy conflict is not likely to end in the near future.)
  4. Pseudo-sock puppets and tent bag puppets
  5. The Fortress of Doom Cats (Kabatsu [カバツ], Morpheus, Banno [バッノ], and Harley)
  6. Cronan's dogs (Fred, Gorby and Purdee)
  7. Cats who think they are dogs
  8. Cronan the Ferret (right).
  9. Kermit Krab
  10. Purple Llamas
  11. Cabbits
  12. Tribbles
  13. Vorlons
  14. William Shatner's toupee
  15. Kate Mulgrew's wig
  16. Demonic-possessed sweatshirts. [It's a long story.]

Holy Numbers:

  1. 42 (The Ultimate Answer to Life, the Universe, and Everything)
  2. 47 (The Star Trek writers' inside joke)
  3. 40 (As in drinking a 40)
  4. 69 (For obvious reasons)
  5. 210 (As in NC Hwy. 210, Brendan's holy weekend escape route.)

Holy Television Shows:

Holy Locations:

  1. The holiest place in THE TRUE RELIGION is Raleigh, North Carolina, USA, hometown of many of the current Prophets (including the three Head Prophets) and the capital of The World Oligarchy. (Note: upon the Oligarchy's public takeover of the world, Raleigh's borders shall be expanded to encompass all of Wake County.)
  2. The birthplaces of our Head Prophets:
  3. Oligarchy University.
  4. The space stations Babylon 5, Deep Space Nine, and Starbase 42.
  5. Third Place/Lilly's Pizza in Raleigh, NC.
  6. The Kwik-E-Mart on Crabtree Blvd., Raleigh, NC.
  7. Kitchen Stadium from Iron Chef.
  8. New York City, the last true bastion of mankind's civilization in the western hemisphere. (Note: This does not include the Holland Tunnel, which is pure evil.)
  9. The Fortress of Doom.
  10. The bathroom.
  11. Toledo, Ohio. (Surely you've heard of Holy Toledo.)
  12. Any comic book store.
  13. Lone Star Steakhouse on US 15-501, Durham, NC.
  14. Camelot. [On second thought, let's not make Camelot holy. It is a silly place.]

Oligarchy National Monuments:

  1. Nathan's stomach (the world's only roving monument)
  2. The World Oligarchy Civil/Cold War Memorial Park (formerly Enloe HS football field)
  3. Spaghetti Junction, Atlanta, Georgia (a tribute to modern life.)
  4. A statue of Cronan Thompson and Norman the Elf, commissioned by Norman and built at the Enloe Oligarchy Government Complex.

Holy Vehicles:

  1. Wayland's 1968 Mustang.
  2. Brendan's 1993 Saturn. ("The Oligarchymobile")
  3. Jason's 2002 Toyota MR2.
  4. The "Ghetto Sled." (retired)
  5. The OLS Nutdrop Express (retired) and the OLS Yakster.
  6. The Pocket Shuttlecraft.
  7. The USS Oligarchy One (the Head Prophets' personal starship).
  8. Haruko's tricked-out Vespa moped from FLCL.
  9. The Vorzakk, in all of its incarnations.
  10. The Little Bob.
  11. The USS Murgatroid.

Holy Weapons: (Sometimes you just need 'em.)

  1. Bevin's Evil Deadly Hairclip
  2. Pointed sticks
  3. The Dogbertron
  4. Tear
  5. Jason's ass
  6. Evil Scrabble
  7. The Jolly Boots of Doom
  8. Meet the Feebles
  9. Poly Pads
  10. The Kill-O-Zap laser pistol
  11. Leonard Nimoy's "Bilbo Baggins" music video

Companies that aren't completely evil:

  1. Coca-Cola
  2. Comedy Central
  3. Pixar Animation Studios
  4. Claussen's
  5. Weekly World News
  6. Manco (makers of Duck Brand Tape)
  7. Google

Holy Video Games:

  1. Starcraft
  2. The Pandora Directive
  3. You Don't Know Jack
  4. Starship Titanic
  5. Quest for Glory series
  6. Day of the Tentacle
  7. Mario Kart 64

Holy Words: (Click on each word for description, pronunciation, and to hear it spoken.)

  1. Verstüken
  2. Explodiate
  3. Shpadoinkle
  4. Peep
  5. Fubis
  6. P00pie
  7. Bitchmonkey

Holy Songs:

  1. Blame Canada, by The South Park Mothers (the National Anthem of the World Oligarchy). (MP3, 1.43 MB)
  2. "Pussy Liquor" by Rob Zombie (the official theme song of the Fortress of Doom).
  3. Cabin Fever, from Muppet Treasure Island.
  4. The Mr. Hankey Song (the RELIGION's official Christmas song).
  5. Kyle's Mom Is A Stupid Bitch in D Minor, by Eric Cartman.
  6. "Stuck In the Middle With You" by Stealer's Wheel (Cronan's favorite song). (MP3, 3.04 MB)
  7. The Hail to the Oligarchy Trilogy Soundtrack.
  8. Many songs by Dr. Demento.
  9. Anything sung by Chef on South Park.
  10. "The Lurkers Support Me In E-Mail" by Jo Walton.
  11. Bevin's Happy Kick-Ass Dance-In-The-Car-While-Driving To a Mosquito Singing Techno Disco Beat Song (also known as Information High).
  12. "Shpadoinkle Day" by Trey Parker.
  13. The majority of all songs by Garbage.
  14. "No Rain" by Blind Melon (Wayland's secondary theme song).
  15. "We Must Destroy X-10" by Kompressor.
  16. "Tribute" by Tenacious D.
  17. Ditez-Moi Pourquoi (only when sung by Prophet Bevin Conners).

Holy Movies:

Miscellaneous:

  1. Cannabis (hemp). [See Practices.]
  2. Sarcasm.
  3. The Internet, for spreading the wisdom of THE TRUE RELIGION.
  4. Silly walks.
  5. Parody.
  6. Fifth-dimension technology.
  7. Oblivion (Oblivion is holy because it's big and dark and cold, and it doesn't exist. Oblivion is cool.)

 

And of course, our Holy Texts.

 

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