Brendan's Quotes of Wisdom

"...All I'm saying is that Tipper Gore looks a lot like the Y2K bug." -Cronan Thompson
"One day as I was watching the pretty colors dance before my eyes I realized that it might not have been such a good idea to hit myself with that hammer." -Cronan Thompson
"Don't you hate it when you wipe your mind clear of everything?" -Cronan Thompson
"God himself could not be reached for comment....." -Jon Stewart, The Daily Show
"To quote the prophet Isaiah, 'Woe to ye who oppose the visceral views of 98 percent of the nation's citizens.'" -Scott Pakin's Complaint-Letter Generator
"The thing about Enloe [High School] I will miss the most is the bathroom fires." -Stretch
"Elephant dung! It's ENORMOUS!" -William Shatner
"Why make trillions when you can make.... billions?" -Dr. Evil, Austin Powers: The Spy Who Shagged Me
"Patrick Stewart, he's still a star/With his bald head glistening/He doesn't need a cheap toupee/Let's hope William Shatner's listening." -Conan O'Brien
"Guns don't kill people. Stupid motherfuckers with guns kill people." -Chris Tucker, Money Talks
"He had an odd feeling of being a man in the act of adultery who is surprised when the woman's husband wanders into the room, changes his trousers, passes a few idle remarks about the weather and leaves again." -from The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy, by Douglas Adams
"In the beginning, the Universe was created. This has made a lot of people angry and has been widely regarded as a bad move." -from The Restaurant at the End of the Universe, by Douglas Adams
"I wouldn't fuck her with a stolen dick!" -George Carlin
"Stardate, sometime in the future. We have encountered the Izza-Bodda-Wadda-Wadda-Boink-Boink-Freebians of the planet Izza-Botta-Watta-Watta-Boink-Boink-Freak. They have told me that due to my extreme good looks, constant charm, and entirely unbelievable personality, I am to become God of all Star Trek. I will be given the sight of LaForge, the command abilities of Picard, the logic of Spock, the innocence of Data, and the blood lust of Kirk. All of this together will make me smoother than all hell. But, all that's beside the point." -Cronan Thompson
"Now they're talking about banning toy guns.... and they're gonna keep the fucking real ones!!!" -George Carlin
"Liberals only defend the first amendment. The right-wingers are in charge of the second." -Doonesbury
"Clear the studio, God is here." -Curry Leslie
"I never curse, god damn it!" -Cronan Thompson
"The bureaucratic mentality is the only constant in the universe." -Dr. McCoy, Star Trek IV
"Hey, no fighting! This is the War Room!" -the President, in Dr. Strangelove
"Janeway was nude in one part, so it can't be all bad." -Cronan Thompson, commenting on the Star Trek: Voyager episode Resolutions
"Satan! Satan! It's the main megafurnice! She's losin' power and the temperature is droppin' fast! I'm not sure if I can hold her!" -Scotty in hell, according to Gary Larson
"I want to touch your grandmother in naughty ways." -Cronan Thompson
"...Consider for a moment a peanut in Reading and a small walnut in Johannesburg, and other such dizzying concepts." -Douglas Adams, The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy
"I don't think I have anything useful to contribute to this discussion." -Alex Huffman
"When I grow up, I want to be an inventor. First I will invent a time machine. Then I'll come back to yesterday, and take myself to tomorrow, and skip this dumb assignment." -Calvin
"If hate were people, I'd be China!" -Daniel Stern, City Slickers
"Whoever submitted the idea of a comedy show set in a Nazi prison camp must have had balls of steel." -Cronan Thompson, commenting on Hogan's Heroes
"Let's get this cheese to sickbay!" -Lt. Torres, Star Trek: Voyager
"We apologize for the inconvenience." -God's Final Message to His People, according to So Long, and Thanks For All the Fish by Douglas Adams
Bartender: "Going to watch the match this afternoon then?"
Ford Prefect: "No, no point."
Bartender: "What's that, foregone conclusion then, you reckon, sir? Arsenal without a chance?"
Ford Prefect: "No no, it's just that the world's about to end." -The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy
"There's a lot of love here in the Flying J john." -Chris, the G105 Bob & Madison Showgram
"It's not that I mind being chained in the basement, it's just that when the meat is thrown down, the rats have the advantage of numbers, and..." -Calvin
Interviewer: "Can you destroy the Earth?"
The Tick: "Egads, I hope not, that's where I keep all my stuff."
"I am so cool you could keep a side of meat in me for a month. I am so incredibly hip I have trouble seeing over my pelvis." -Zaphod Beeblebrox, The Restaurant at the End of the Universe by Douglas Adams
"The object of war is not to die for your country, but to make the other bastard die for his." -Gen. George Patton
"We now return you to your regularly scheduled confusion." -Cmdr. Sergey Polak, U.S.S. Radish
"One can cure oneself of the 'not un-' formation by memorizing this sentence: 'A not unblack dog was chasing a not unsmall rabbit across a not ungreen field.'" -George Orwell, "Politics and the English Language"
"Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I'm not sure about the former." -Albert Einstein
"Why is it a penny for your thoughts, but you have to put your two cents in? Somebody's makin' a penny somewhere." -Stephen Wright
"Aboard the Radish we have done away with the illegal practice of sexual harassment---we have made it legal!" -Lt. Rocky Fort, U.S.S. Radish
[Commenting on 60 Minutes] "I appreciate this show due to its truth in labeling. I've timed it and it's almost always 60 minutes long... 60 Minutes gives you exactly what they promise, unlike that show 48 Hours." -Dilbert, from TV Guide's "Why Dilbert Loves TV"
"Did you know that a carrot has more cholesterol than a slab of sirloin beef? (Disclaimer: The carrot must be 23 feet in length, while the sirloin slab must fit on a Wheat Thin.)" -Rep. Charles Schumer (D/NY)
"It was the kind of place where they spelled 'trouble' T-R-U-B-I-L, and if you tried to correct them... they kill you." -Steve Martin, Dead Men Don't Wear Plaid
(drugged) "Let's go out dancing! You put on your black dress, and I'll go shave my tongue." -Steve Martin, Dead Men Don't Wear Plaid
"I think the only reason I waste my breath on you is that being dead I have no other use for it." -The late Zaphod Beeblebrox IV, "Restaurant at the End of the Universe" by Douglas Adams
"My plan was to kiss her with every lip on my face." -Steve Martin, Dead Men Don't Wear Plaid
"I am Mr. Desiato's bodyguard. I am responsible for his body. I am not responsible for yours, so take it away before it gets damaged." -Hotblack Desiato's bodyguard, to Ford Prefect, "Restaurant at the End of the Universe" by Douglas Adams
"Duct tape is like the Force. It has a light side, a dark side, and it holds the universe together." -Carl Zwanzig
"Programming today is a race between software engineers striving to build bigger and better idiot-proof programs, and the Universe trying to produce bigger and better idiots. So far, the Universe is winning." -Rich Cook
"The surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that it has never tried to contact us." -Calvin
"I don't think I could have written it if I was awake." -Charlotte Robinson
"My mind is like a steel trap -- rusty and illegal in 37 states." -Cadet Evil, USS Radish
"I am not a turnip!" -Bevin Conners
"If the universe were efficient, most species (particularly the Greedy Horsehonger Devourer of Ooodulon Sigma which eats only the third toenail from the right on the left foot of the an animal three times the length of a terrestrial killer whale) would cease to exist. Biological life is a marvel of inefficiency in design, form and function. Everything from your method of reproduction (which is a lot of fun but not very good for you) to your digestive systems are woefully slipshod." -Cronan Thompson, The GodFAQ
"I predict that the Y2K Bug will assassinate Pope John Paul II from the grassy knoll." -Cronan Thompson
"Queen Elizabeth is a man! Prince Charles is a faggot! Shakespeare's French!" -David Kessler (trying to get arrested), An American Werewolf in London
"This is Bill Jordan and Donna Maeson, live in the Lincoln Bedroom of the White House, selling cups of coffee for $10,000." -from Mix 101.5 radio station, 3/4/97
"I am Captain Jean Luc Sisko of the Federation Starship Bill. May I kill you painfully?" -Captain Janeway, in "When the Borg encounter Voyager..." by Cronan Thompson
Bevin Conners: "What's in that sandwich?"
Neil Sihnababu: "I don't know, but I'm gonna find out."
"Those wizened prognosticators of old foretold what was destined to be using techniques thought lost in the mists of antiquity. They spoke of a man, a man plain and simple yet with the potential to safeguard mankind from the coming dangers. He is Cronan, our only hope." -Wizened old guy wearing no pants by the freeway
"This ninety-year-old man was arrested and charged with rape. He was so flattered he pleaded guilty. That's the end of the joke." -George Burns
"That's pretty dangerous, building a road in the middle of the street." -Kermit the Frog, The Muppet Movie
"Ah... a bear in his natural habitat-- a Studebaker." -Fozzie Bear, The Muppet Movie
"Save the earth. We plan to colonize it someday." -an alien on a Hallmark mug
"If I had a story for every time I had a stiffy, I'd have... like... several stories." -Butt-Head
"It's some kind of blind fiend." "I believe they prefer 'visually challenged fiend.'" -Rizzo and Gonzo, Muppet Treasure Island
"We came to take your socks and shave sixty percent of your dog." -IRS mop-up agent from Dilbert
"You have one bad hair day in the thirteenth century and suddenly you've got horns." -The Devil, The Drew Carey Show
Fan in audience: "What does it feel like playing Q in Star Trek?"
John DeLancie: "Well, that reminds me of when I was teaching my son his way around the bathroom, and we had finished wiping and it was now time for him to pull up his underwear. As I watched, he first pulled up his Spiderman underwear, then his Incredible Hulk underwear, and finally his Superman underwear. I asked him, 'Son, why are you wearing three pairs of underwear?' and he said, 'Because it gives me more power.' So I guess the answer to your question is, its like wearing three pairs of underwear." -At a Star Trek convention
"That's the most beautiful story of statutory rape I've ever heard." -Kate, The Drew Carey Show
"There are no 'good wars'-- with the following exceptions: the American Revolution, World War II, and the Star Wars Trilogy." -Bart Simpson
"But I don't know how to shut up in French!" -Robin Kalat as Je Suis Vert, the tent-bag puppet
"This is a wannabe Monday." -David Bunn, on the Tuesday after Labor Day
"Our gods are dead. Ancient Klingon warriors slew them a millennium ago. They were more trouble than they were worth." -Worf, Star Trek: Deep Space Nine
"Guess who put his locomotory appendage in his ingestive orifice again?" -Ens. Sarek, U.S.S. Radish
"In the future, we'll realize that the creatures we thought were from other planets are actually smart people who live in Switzerland." -Scott Adams, The Dilbert Future
"Why won't this woman stay rescued?!?" -Joel Verlin, USS Excelsior
"I admire your ability to get paid for this." -Dilbert
"If I could get all the people in my life who have ever done mean things to me in one room, I wouldn't go in there because, damn, those are some mean people!" -LeMel Hebert-Williams
"Look upon my nipple and fear me! Or not, it's your choice." -Brian "Stimuli" Garver
"Who doesn't like Janeane Garofalo? Communists, that's who!" -Comedy Central commercial
"Wait, I just remembered something. You're boring, and my legs work." -David Spade, "Just Shoot Me"
"Well, look, we're calling the picture 'Star Trek III: The Search For Spock.' If we had Captain Kirk turn to the camera at the end of the picture and say, 'Sorry, we didn't find him,' people would throw rocks at the screen." -Leonard Nimoy, commenting on whether he would be in Star Trek III
"I always get screwed by the system. That's my lot in life. I'm the system's bitch." -Drew Carey
"It's a Mr. Death or something, he's come about the reaping?" -Monty Python
"[Hockey] is a lot like The Jerry Springer Show, but with more ice and fewer lesbians." -Joe Lavin, The Joe Lavin Humor Column
"...Brought to you by W. Bruce Cameron, a man who possesses the humility of Newt Gingrich, the integrity of Bill Clinton, the vivacity of Al Gore, the spell checker of Dan Quayle, the charisma of Bob Dole, and the glamour of Janet Reno." -Bruce Cameron, The Cameron Column
"I feel naked without my clothes." -Robin Kalat
"Reminds me of an old Russian saying: when vodka interferes with work, quit your job." -Cmdr. Sergey Polak, U.S.S. Radish
"According to Star Trek, if you go faster than light, it looks like a bunch of rainbows, but according to Babylon 5, if you go faster than light, it looks like you're going into an infinitely long ice-cream cone. The truth is, when you go faster than light, it looks like creamed corn, and smells like bacon." -James "Kibo" Parry, The Kibology FAQ
"Kibo not only won World War III, he single-handedly covered it up!" -James "Kibo" Parry, Kibo's Fun Factoids
"They can't break you if you don't have a spine." -Wally, Dilbert
"God's master plan for her creation goes something like this: 'Screw you. I'm going on vacation.'" -Cronan Thompson
"The Flubber does everything, dear God, but fly over the ocean and solve the Mideast crisis." -Owen Gleiberman, Entertainment Weekly
"I often find that my opinions stick out like an erection in a lesbian bar." -Cronan Thompson
"I'm a Southern gal. I love silver and hoop skirts and I announce when I go to the bathroom." -Robin Kalat as Ashley Firestone
"Drugs are bad because if you do drugs, you're a hippie, and hippies suck." -Cartman, South Park
"Is this a piece of your brain?" -Basil Fawlty, Fawlty Towers
"Why does Europe have so many countries? They're all the same." -Paul Schuler
"If I were human, I believe my response would be, 'Go to hell.'" -Spock, Star Trek VI
"Yes, when I asked you to build a wall, rather than dumping the bricks in a pile, I was hoping you would take the time to cement them together." -Basil Fawlty
"The secret of the universe is a nectarine?" "Sublime, isn't it? I wouldn't expect someone like you to understand." -Lwaxana Troi and Q, ST:TNG book Q-In-Law by Peter David
"I don't think I want the first human clone to be created by a guy with a name like Dick Seed." -Cronan Thompson
"Damn foreigners. We give them 'Baywatch' and what do we get? Diddly." -Cronan Thompson
"Junior year is when you get hit by a Mack truck; senior year is when it backs up and runs over you again." -Tomas Carbonell
"It's a high-pressure job. He needed a release. Some people play golf." -Tomas Carbonell, about the Clinton/Lewinsky case
"Before TV, two world wars. After TV, zero." -ABC commercial
"Because of the recent discovery by Hillary [Clinton], today's meeting of the Vast Right Wing Conspiracy has been changed. Please consult your secret decoder ring for the new time and location." -Eva Joanna Darski
"It's not that fact that the President may have had an affair, or even the fact that he may have tried to cover it up. What bothers me is the fact that I'm not getting my fair share." -Dave Henry
"Phasers have a wide-beam setting. This will be written in large letters on every phaser. Any security guard who does not know this and is overwhelmed by unarmed midgets with bad hair will be promptly shot." -Cronan Thompson, "Things I Will Do Should I Become a Starfleet Captain"
"You're a pigment of my imagination." -Robin Kalat
"They call me the Ill Eagle." -Nathan Katzin
"Where you is is the place to be." -A drunken bum named Steve
Joe Gates: "New Zealand went nuke-free a few years ago."
Stephen Crissman: "So, what if someone nuked New Zealand?"
Britton Allen: "Then there'd be a lot of dead sheep."
"I teleported home one day, with Ron and Sid and Meg. Ron stole Meggie's heart away, and I got Sidney's leg." -The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy
"Beam me up, Scotty, this planet sucks!" -Gregory Lam
"Five Dallas Cowboys are in a car. Who's driving? ...A policeman." -Mike Beach
"Stanley Kubrick must kill Bob Hope!" -Kibo
"It wasn't guilt that froze me. I had taught myself never to feel guilt. It wasn't the fear of death; I had come to think of death as more of a friend. It wasn't the thought of being unloved that froze me; I had learned to live without needing love. What froze me was the fact that I had no reason to move in any direction." -Howard W. Campbell, "Mother Night"
"He sounds like a child molester volunteering to babysit." -Curry Leslie
"Notice that having one's foot in one's mouth is a speech impediment. And 'ped' refers to foot. Coincidence?" -Ens. Sarek, USS Radish
"Let's be real, people. [John Sheridan] is the Captain Kirk of Babylon 5. He has fought and beaten Shadows and Vorlons and death itself. The only way to kill him is to destroy the universe and hope that some of the resulting radiation gives him a fatal disease that might kill him twenty years hence." -Cronan Thompson
"...That's a good question. I was going to ask it myself then I remembered that you were going to and didn't. But that's not the point, is it? What is the point? Well butter doesn't have POINTS! That's one of the great things about it! You can run back and forth through your house with butter in your hand and fall down a million times. The chances that you will lose an eye are so slim that anyone who does was probably stupid anyway! Butter is that good." -Cronan Thompson
"I was just about to pull out my BFG (Big Fucking Gun for you illiterate types) when the first midget, long since thought dead by me and my dog, turned into a zombie midget lesbian samurai. I retreated into the Mini Mart where I opened fire on the evil gang approaching. Unfortunately the Refrigerator People showed up." -Cronan Thompson, Someone Stole My Wallet!
"I am NOT the squadron leader. Shoot someone else." -Ens. Sarek, USS Radish
"I'm not a doctor but I play one on the internet." -Joel Verlin
"Scotty! Beam me the fuck out of this movie!" -Cronan Thompson, while watching George Takei in the mind-numbingly bad Oblivion 2: Backlash
"Ya know, this show gave 'give me some head' a whole new meaning." -Cronan Thompson, while watching Highlander: The Series
"I want the people to know that they still have 2 out of 3 branches of the government working for them, and that ain't bad." -President Dale, Mars Attacks!
"...They discovered only a small asteroid inhabited by a solitary old man who claimed repeatedly that nothing was true, though he was later discovered to be lying." -Douglas Adams, The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy
"Charlie Henry had more going against him than just having two first names." -B.G.F. O'Connor, The Charlie Henry Chronicles
"Of course a new enemy pops up [on Voyager] EVERY WEEK. And they wouldn't pop up if Janeway didn't keep shooting at people's property. Think about. If I walked down my street with a rocket launcher blowing the hell out of people's cars, boats and what have you, they would be pretty pissed wouldn't they? In fact they might actually emerge as my enemies, huh?" -Cronan Thompson
"They blew up my waffle! Oh, the humanity!" -Tom Servo, Mystery Science Theater 3000: The Movie
"The Guide is definitive. Reality is frequently inaccurate." -Douglas Adams, The Restaurant at the End of the Universe
"The major difference between a thing that might go wrong and a thing that cannot possibly go wrong is that when a thing that cannot possibly go wrong goes wrong it usually turns out to be impossible to get at or repair." -Douglas Adams, Mostly Harmless
"You are a driver, and I use the word in the loosest possible sense, i.e., meaning merely someone who occupies the driving seat of what I will for the moment call -- but I use the term strictly without prejudice -- a car while it is proceeding along the road, of stupendous, I would even say verging on the superhuman, lack of skill." -Dirk Gently, The Long Dark Tea-Time of the Soul
"I could cry tears of bacon fat." -Cronan Thompson
"Bitchmonkey!" -Bevin Conners
"If I ever meet myself, I'll hit myself so hard I won't know what hit me." -Zaphod Beeblebrox, The Restaurant at the End of the Universe
John McClaine: "You don't like me because I'm white."
Zeus Carver: "I don't like you because you're gonna get me killed!" -from Die Hard With a Vengeance
Mike Bertics: "I'll get closure!"
Bevin Conners: "No, you won't."
Mike Bertics: "..... "
"Oh no. I shall have to walk away at a slightly accelerated pace." -Cronan Thompson, in a MSTing of First Contact
"I'd like to have a dinner party and invite John Tesh and Charles Manson. Not for their company, but because I really don't like John Tesh." -Steve Hurd
"He's just trying to use you. I know guys like him. ...I am guys like him." -Stuart, Spin City
Stan: "Remember, Jesus, someone once said: don't try to be a great man, just be a man."
Jesus: "Really? Who said that?"
Stan: "You did..."
Kyle: "Hey man, you read that in the Bible?"
Stan: "Nawww, I saw it on Star Trek." -from South Park
"Insane is working fifty hours a week in some office for fifty years at the end of which they tell you to piss off." -Garland Greene, Con Air
"Define irony: a bunch of idiots dancing around on a plane to a song by a group that died in a plane crash." -Garland Greene, Con Air
"I am calling my printer Monica, since it's gone down so often recently." -Lt. Rocky Fort, U.S.S. Radish
"Saunders had been dead for almost two weeks now and, so far, he hadn't enjoyed a minute of it." -Red Dwarf: Infinity Welcomes Careful Drivers by Grant Naylor
"Know the power of mighty Cronzilla! [Cronan launches into a withering rebuttal of everything that anyone has ever said about anything. Ever.] And that's why refrigerators are cold." -Cronan Thompson, Flame Wars XI: The Empire Kicks Back
"I calculated the odds of this succeeding versus the odds I was doing something incredibly stupid... and I went ahead and did it anyway." -Crow T. Robot, Mystery Science Theater 3000: The Movie
"Let me guess. You've suddenly realized that faster-than-light travel is an impossibility, and we should head home immediately before someone realizes and we all get in trouble." -Captain Calhoun, Star Trek: New Frontier #5: Martyr by Peter David
"But [William Shatner's 'Tambourine Man'] is such a 'good' song - whenever I feel depressed, I can listen to it and feel much better knowing that this is one mistake I am NOT responsible for." -Charles Spalton
"So thus is the setting for our sorry excuse for a story." -Robin Kalat as Ashley Firestone
"I smell coffee... or bologna. One of the two." -Andy Robinson
"Blues Traveler would like to thank everyone thanked on the last album including the people pre-thanked on the previous album, as well as the album prior to that. We know this to be a cheesy trick but it sure saves space." -from Blues Traveler CD "Four"
"I once killed a man with a 3.5 inch floppy." -Cronan Thompson
"Janeway does with shuttlecrafts what Kirk did with redshirts." -Ensign Dammimugli, USS Radish
"You want me to bring you back anything from the future? A few bagels, some fresh milk?" -Garibaldi, Babylon 5 episode "War Without End, Part 1"
"Thanks to Xena, little girls everywhere know that it's okay to be a lesbian who carries a sword, a whip, and a killer Frisbee." -Cronan Thompson
"You must speak with me! I am your shirt!" -Bevin Conners
"I was there when the shit hit the fan in Vietnam. I was there man. We ran ops deep into Canada. We were elite man. We knew how to kill Charlie even when he was disguised as an evil Quebecer. We were that good." -Cronan Thompson (born 1979)
"I've never been to outer space with a bag of potato chips." -my mom
"Early to bed and early to rise makes a guy really bloody tired." -SEPO
"You will respect my autoritah!" -Eric Cartman, South Park
"...Your face looks like someone tried to put out a forest fire with a screwdriver." -Phillip, South Park
"[Troy Heagy] is more entertaining than a small child, a nude porn star, and a sharp object in a tilt-a-whirl operated by a dead chimp." -Cronan Thompson
"1997 began within seconds of the end of 1996." -James "Kibo" Parry
"Any misspellings in the abuve ritings are halusinasions. Egnore dem!!!" -Cronan Thompson
"Oh my non-denominational deity! What happened here?" -Jon, Goats
"Did anyone catch the Kathy Lee and Regis show on Christmas day [1997]? Which featured [1] Hanson, [2] The Spice Girls, [3] Barney The Dinosaur, and [4] Kathy Lee and Regis? I was foaming at the mouth frustrated that no bombing attempt was made on the show's set. Certainly, nearly all the wrongs of 1997 could be remedied in one fell swoop of pyrotechnic justice swiftly dealt to that collection of evil nemesii. Anyone who happened to watch that show on a WebTV was probably struck dumb and blind." -Brian "JARAI" Chase
"Microsoft nearly completed Windows 96 but missed its 1997 release date. Windows 98 is expected to ship just in time for Y2K to crash it." -James "Kibo" Parry
"If we could just get everyone to close their eyes and visualize world peace for an hour, imagine how serene and quiet it would be until the looting started." -Podkayne Fries
"....My brane would explode." -Podkayne Fries
"Now that the election is over, it's time to start my campaign." -Kibo for President '97
"I reckon weddings must be interesting these days... 'You may now place the ring in your wife's nostril.'" -Andy Capp
"The funeral for my pants will be tonight at 7pm EST." -Riboflavin D. Monkey
"The relevant equation is: Knowledge = power = energy = matter = mass; a good bookshop is just a genteel Black Hole that knows how to read." -Terry Pratchett, Guards! Guards!
"This was no time for half measures. He was a captain, godsdammit. An officer. Things like this didn't present a problem for an officer. Officers had a tried and tested way of solving problems like this. It was called a sergeant." -Terry Pratchett, Guards! Guards!
"Sergeant Colon had had a broad education. He'd been to the School of My Dad Always Said, the College of It Stands to Reason, and was now a postgraduate student at the University of What Some Bloke In the Pub Told Me." -Terry Pratchett, Jingo
"Unlike most family squabbles, [Dennis] Rodman and [Carmen] Electra managed to both get charged with battery." -Newsweek, 11/15/99
"Oooh! Pants!" -Bevin Conners, referring to the fact that Jason Smith is indeed wearing pants
"Now drop and give me twenty! And somebody bring me a spoon!" -Bevin Conners
Matt Brown: "It's 11:21 already?!?"
Bevin Conners: "That's the date."
"That movie kicked ass. In fact, that movie kicked so much ass, it had its own gravitational pull, collapsed in on itself and became an asshole." -Cronan Thompson, after seeing BASEketball
"Welcome to our arking lot. Notice there is no P in it." -James "Kibo" Parry
"It's a little known fact that the Dark Ages were caused by the Y1K problem." -WWS
"Why the hell is there a golf ball in my pocket?" -Wayland Phillips
"Spoiler warning: this synopsis may spoil your enjoyment of the exciting plot this movie didn't have." -James "Kibo" Parry, about Y2K: The Movie
"I'll have waffles and a side of pancakes and onion rings." -Wayland Phillips
"I shudder to think what things could happen if you ever decided to use your talents for good, instead of evil." -Lori (to Scallywag)
"The scariest part of the movie was their inability to read a compass." -E (commenting on The Blair Witch Project)
"If Jesus does return, he will have the sense to wait until we have made the world safe for him to do so. The last time he was here, we killed him." -The Rev. Milton Propp, in a letter to Newsweek
"Rule Six: The winning team shall be the first team that wins." -Douglas Adams, rules of Brockian Ultra Cricket, Life, the Universe, and Everything
"You see, my best friend is the most evil woman on the face of the Earth, and we normally eat lunch together. Yesterday she decided to show up for lunch in a tight bodysuit with a super low neckline just to torment me. I wasn't able to make coherent thoughts until an hour into the exam [afterward] because of the bitch." -Reverend Sean O'Hara
"Santa is such a jolly old soul because he has a list of where the naughty girls live." -Bozo the Proctologist
"Consider this a down payment for a future ass-chewing." -Murtaugh, Lethal Weapon 4
"Apparently the French's response to the Y2K problem was 'We speet on yourrrr seely y2k prroblem, you seely Hinglish K-nigets!'" -Tara Kostezky
"Well, maybe the Hand of God isn't used to using a computer with no spell check, so there?" -Wayland Phillips
"I kept hoping that the [French] fireworks will suddenly turn into firebombs and make that ugly big metal thing explodiate and fall and kill a few million French people, and some cockroaches too." -Sergey Bukhman
"My Time Machine is Y2K compliant." -Captain Infinity
"Sometimes I get philosophical when I'm drunk...... I really gotta piss." -Wayland Phillips
Wayland Phillips (drunk): "How come I don't get sysop access?"
LisaB: "I think you're pretty sysoped already, IYKWIM." -during an IRC chat
"You know you're really drunk when you lose your balance when sitting on the floor." -Jason Smith
"Maybe I should cut myself off -- oh, wait, I have, I can't get up." -Jason Smith
"I've had so much vodka I'm talking with a Russian accent." -Jason Smith
"This is a time when we have to turn our eyes to the heavens and say....... oh, shit!" -Agent Manners, Jack Frost
"You can't sue me for saying any of this because if you sue me you'd have to quote me in court and then I'd sue you for quoting this copyrighted (C) message!!! My cousins are all lawyers!!!!!" -Kibo's .signature
"I just realized something. Me taking a piss just now was more interesting than watching that movie." -Jason Smith, after watching Supernova
"Dubbing anime is the equivalent to digitally inserting Barney into Star Wars. It might be fun to laugh and once or twice, but you'll always go back to the pure stuff." -Jason Smith
"Would a methane breather fart oxygen?" -Bozo the Proctologist
"Insert joke about not inserting a joke about the word 'insert' here." -Sergey Bukhman
"We've got a blind date with Destiny -- and it looks like she's ordered the lobster." -The Shoveler, Mystery Men
"Maybe I've changed since my death." -Jimmy Tudeski, The Whole Nine Yards
"I had [my mid-life crisis] when I turned 18 and realized I could be put on trial and convicted as an adult. So far all the ensuing milestones have been a fucking breeze compared to that." -Beth Baxter
Young Robert: "He said that Han Solo was cooler than Captain Kirk."
William Shatner: "Kick the little fucker's ass!" -from Free Enterprise
"Considering all my people suffered at the hands of your people during World War II, I'd say a little kissing and breast-fondling is meager reparation at best." -Mark, Free Enterprise
"Believe me, I'm weeeeellllllll aware that it's tax season. Uncle Sam is trying to steal ~$4,000 from my wallet. I only have this to say to dear, misguided Uncle Sam: GET A FREEKIN JOB!!11!!!" -Riboflavin D. Monkey
"I think you should be inlawed before you go outsane. Then they'll lock you in an inhouse for your inrageously outappropriate behaviand." -Kibo
"Quick, he needs mouth-to-dick resuscitation!" -some guy at Rocky after another guy got kicked in the nuts
"He's so dense he pisses neutronium." -Cronan Thompson, on Gary Farber
"Amazing how Vodka and Love are so often confused..." -J.
"Alt.fan.tom-servo: where everyone rides the 'Special Bus' to Usenet!" -Captain Infinity
"Okay, you are now firing a gun at your imaginary friend... near 400 gallons of nitroglycerine!" -Tyler Durden, Fight Club
Robert: "What are you doing here?"
William Shatner: "Well, if everything goes according to plan, I'll consume large quantities of liquor." -from Free Enterprise
"I kick ass for the Lord!" -Father McGruder, Dead Alive
"I just saved your fucking life, Mom. You could at least offer me an Oreo." -Y.T., Snow Crash by Neal Stephenson
"If you can do that again, I'll jump out of your computer wearing nothing but a diaper." -Announcer on You Don't Know Jack Offline
"It's no wonder I didn't get a Section Eight; there's nothing special about me. Everyone here is crazy." -Klinger, M*A*S*H
"Oh dear, next you're going to threaten to strike me repeatedly in the foot with your ass." -WWS
"Y'seen those GIANT Hershey Kisses? That's no kiss, that's a rape!" -Captain Infinity
"Yep, two corpses, everything's fine." -Colonel Mustard, Clue
"Give him some fat free water or something." -Mac, Romeo Must Die
"Quit playing with the vacuum cleaner and fuck your girlfriend." -Bevin Conners
"I'm not above urinating to show affection." -Bevin Conners
"Can I hump his leg? I'm happy to see him." -Bevin Conners
"I'm the fifth horseman of the apocalypse..... I'm CUUUUUUUTE!" -Bevin Conners
"Some people just pinch the head and suck." -Waiter at Joe's Crab Shack
"We've been in cars as long as we've been in cans." -Busch beer commercial
"And the world will end not with a bang, but with an 'Awww, isn't that cute?'" -Jason Smith
"Paid for by the committee to hide the mayor." -Commercial for Spin City
"Earthlink: the largest ISP that doesn't blow donkey balls regularly." -Mortis
"You've seen generals inspecting troops before. Just walk slow, look dumb and act stupid." -Maj. Reisman, The Dirty Dozen
"Medical systems: If, for some reason, Cronan should get sick, he dies." - Cronan Thompson, Pocket Shuttlecraft specs
"I am impatient with stupidity. My people have learned to live without it." -Klaatu, The Day the Earth Stood Still
Bethani: "You knew Christ?"
Rufus: "Knew him? Shit, the nigga' owes me 12 bucks." -from Dogma
"There's no good or evil in the world anymore. There's only fun and boring." -Mortis
"[Author] Douglas Adams is the skateboard on which the thinking person plays hooky from the universe." -Philadelphia Inquirer
Jason Smith: "You bought me tits, I'll buy you tacos."
Paul Pulley: "Uhh, I don't think that's a fair exchange."
"If this car were any smaller, I'd be able to tell Brendan's religion." -Paul Pulley, in Brendan's Saturn SL1
Wayland Phillips: "And there's the airport."
Jason Smith: "Yes, we can tell. The airplanes gave it away."
"Has anyone ever noticed the wonderful lighting in this toilet?" Roger, the heroin-addict frog, Meet the Feebles
"I have a comforting and warm sensation of security running down my leg right now." -Paul Harper
(While at a diner with friends, the girls notice a tableside jukebox.)
Bevin Conners: "Look. 'Mr. Sandman!'"
Matthew Pulley: "Huh? 'Enter Sandman?'"
"I say these things to keep myself entertained. God knows, masturbation you just can't do in public." -Bevin Conners
"Whose boobies are in my shirt?" -a very drunk Tiffani Brunson
"There's part of me that thinks Paramount should fire and replace me." -Brannon Braga, TVGuide
"My review of 2001, the year, is the same as my review of 2001: A Space Odyssey: It went on way too long, it was hard to follow, and the only way you could enjoy it is if you were really, really, really stoned." -Lewis Black, The Daily Show
"They swarmed from hidden nooks and crannies like anti-butter." -Diablo, Goats
"...The wholesome snack that smiles back until you bite their heads off." -Goldfish commercial
"You smell like alcoholic bologna." -Tiffani Brunson
"Staff are requested not to use the eye patches in this first-aid kit to impersonate 'pirates' or other characters. They are for medical use only." -True Tales of Induhviduals, The Dilbert Newsletter
"That was exactly my problem. I relied on my [obsessive-compulsive disorder] to remind me to take the pills. So the instant they started working, I stopped taking them." -Gottverlassen
"I don't believe in Canada." -Ozzy Osbourne
"You gotta wonder -- do James Bond's lawyers have names like Mister Hungjury, Plenty O'Gavel, Penile Code, and Oscar Shortbriefs?" -Arthur Levesque
"Is it OK for vegans to engage in oral sex?" -Lori
"You may think Nebraska is only there to keep cows from falling into the Earth's fiery core." -LCARS
"When I die I'm going to donate my body to science fiction." -Captain Infinity
"Where can I buy some of these... comedy pants?" -Aric McKeown
"BLOW JOB = NO MITTENS is my rule." -Captain Infinity
"Pancakes is the better part of valor." -Toothgnip, Goats
"France enjoys a rich history, a picturesque and varied landscape, and a temperate climate. In short, it could be a very nice country if it weren't inhabited by French people. The best thing that can be said for it is that it is not Germany." -Unknown
"You are trapped on feces river with no method of propulsion!" -Topato Potato, Wigu
"Women's sizes are based on a complex calculation that involves the measurement of various body parts, the store where the item is purchased, the type of item, the color of the item, the brand of the item, how many days it's been since the person who made the item has been paid, the percentage of the population which is currently eating a sandwich, and the number I'm thinking of RIGHT NOW! This is why I can't find pants that fit right." -zymosis
"I am fairly close to several gods. (We correspond by e-mail.)" -Cronan Thompson
"I'm part of a group that wants to petition the United Nations to recognize nerds as a separate race, so we can have our own country. One of our platform points is the demand to give us ARPANET, so we can rebuild the Internet for ourselves, as it was before AOL discovered it." -Gottverlassen
"I'm not exactly sure who my boss is, but by process of deduction, I think it's me." -Paul Pulley
"My ass is an EPA Superfund site." -Jason Smith
Bevin Conners: "I need to record this for posterity...."
Matthew Pulley: "There's nothing wrong with my prostate!"
"It made me afraid to pee." -Denise
"Jesus pooped in my brain." -Paul Pulley
"I hope you die, and end up watching Waterworld over and over!" -Tiffani Brunson
"He looks like a Mexican being deported." -Tiffani Brunson
"If it wasn't so bad for you, it would be good for you." -Brian
"Korn shat in my radio." -Tiffani Brunson
"I'm listening to an old Anthrax CD over and over to immunize myself. This is probably giving me worse side effects that you're having." -Arthur Levesque, after I got the anthrax vaccination
"This is why I like the Oligarchy. I can cause general pain and human suffering.... just by writing an e-mail. That's why I'm not a Co-Ruler." -Paul Pulley
"A warning to all kids out there: Do not read Bobbins after you have had your wisdom teeth pulled. I saw [the day's comic] and after struggling to control laughter, blood came gushing out of my mouth in meaty chunks. Laughter the best medicine, my arse." -Rabidazell
"You know what's funny? Someone who's twice as drunk as me, making fun of me for being drunk." -Paul Pulley
"I'm gonna get a migraine tonight for not beating you." -Andy Sipowicz, NYPD Blue
"You should be apologizing hard enough to register on a Geiger counter." -Amy Chilton, Scary Go Round
"The room is shpinning! We have damaged the earth's axis with booze." -Shelley Winters, Scary Go Round
"Cronan is like the Hank Aaron of long-lasting [Usenet] threads. The record is hard to beat, and he did it without steroids." -Blackhawk
Bender: "What an awful nightmare! Ones and zeroes everywhere.... and I think I saw a two!"
Fry: "It was just a dream, Bender. There's no such thing as two." -from Futurama
"I try to keep my sex life personal, but my wife keeps getting involved." -Arthur Levesque
"Put away that linear accelerator RIGHT NOW or I'm telling your mom." -Howard Tayler, Schlock Mercenary
"On the way up here to the podium, a gentleman came up to me and said, 'Governor, you are as good a politician as you were an actor.' What a cheap shot." -Arnold Schwarzenegger
"It's difficult to calculate and think at the same time." -My economics professor
"I have either a transmission or an alternator in my van. I don't know which." -Bessie Phillips
"What? I couldn't hear you over the nailing. I mean the hammering. I mean -- dammit!" -Brendan Dillon
"I'm glad you know these words, but don't forget to make sense." -Robin Kalat
"The stiffening of your penis is of no consequence!" -The Angel, Angels in America
"They [Nazi scientists] won't be laughing when they get tried at Nuremburg for breaking the laws of thermodynamics. I'll bet the judges make them walk the Planck." -Arthur Levesque
"I need to learn some new profanity, 'cause the old standards just aren't cutting it in this situation." -Marten, Questionable Content
"She has a penchant for violence. Fortunately, she also has a short attention span." -Paul Pulley, about Tiffani Brunson
"A nuclear-powered hillbilly with five senses of humor." -Biography of Jeff Rowland
"NASA spent millions developing a pen that could write in space. The Russians used a pencil." -Unknown
"Sporkle Corp. does not negotiate with terrorists, giant killer robots, or lawyers." -Diablo, Goats
"The Geneva Convention explicitly allows the use of chemical weapons in the event of momma jokes." -Neil (or Bob), Goats
"I'm a performance artist, and my medium is irate ladies." -Pintsize, Questionable Content
[At the Museum of Natural Science]
Adrian Monk: "There's a hole in the side of his skull."
Natalie Teeger: "Adrian, this happened 30,000 years ago."
Adrian Monk: "There's no statute of limitations for murder." -Monk, "Mr. Monk and the Red Herring"
"I spent all my money on guns and ice cream sandwiches." -Noah Freeze
"Which means that you stand a greater chance of dying while dealing crack in a Chicago housing project than you do while sitting on death row in Texas." -Steven D. Levitt and Stephen J. Dubner, Freakonomics

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