The Adventures of My Ass in Palm Beach County

From the My Ass: A Real American Hero Series


Subject:      Re: (Election) Why it's far from over
Date:         Tue, 14 Nov 2000 12:35:45 -0500
From:         Antifrance <>
Organization: Cronan died for your sins.
Message-ID:   <>
Newsgroups:, alt.religion.kibology,

Mortis wrote:

> You should've mentioned it before we decided to launch a tactical nuke
> strike against Palm Beach.

(From the My Ass: A Real American Hero Series)

It was a dark time for the Kamikaze Peep Squad, as its members took up arms
in an all-out assault on stupidity everywhere, but especially in Florida.
Scuzz Lorenzo was elected as psychotic enough to be the keeper of the Big
Red Button, and everyone else took to the road.

But there was one voice who stood out: oh yes, the cause was  good, but
there was a problem. Antifrance, First Sergeant of the Oligarchy Peep
Contingent, and a wing of the KPS assault team, had many branches of family
in Florida, including West Palm Beach.

Anti's yelling was unheard, however, and the assault moved on. Antifrance,
along with his ass, split from the assault even as other members of the OPC
continued on.

"This cannot be allowed," Antifrance mumbled. "Not like this."

"There is a way," his ass replied, reassuringly. "We have no choice but to
go renegade."

And so it was. Antifrance and his ass, along with Floridians Lots42, Oven,
and LisaB, made their way to Palm Beach County to begin their defenses.

*  *  *  *  *

At the Peep Front, preparations for invasion were being made. Major de
Castellvi and his NCO, Sgt. VanSickle, rallied the troops.

Soon, the KPS was in formation and began the journey to Palm Beach. As they
approached the target, they suddenly heard a yell. "Don't fire until you see
the carnauba wax of their eyes!" said the voice; it was obviously
Antifrance's ass. The Squad got ready to take on the resisting forces.

Anti's ass fired first, and the other renegades followed. The Peep Squad
charged the front line and counterattacked. Antifrance fired again, and Mr.
Hole tumbled back, fatally wounded. Oven hit Mortis in the shoulder; the
wraith laughed as the wound healed instantly, and picked off Oven.

Antifrance's ass rolled over and jumped up to find himself face to face with
none other than Major de Castellvi. "So, we finally face each other in
battle," said the ass. "And I thought this would only happen when Canada
invades the U.S."

"Do not stand in our way," the Major declared, trudging forward. "This is
something that must be done for the good of the non-stupid."

"Don't you realize what you're doing? There are Ebony Assers in Florida, and
their families. And they aren't part of the idiot population."

De Castellvi slumped. "Where's Il Porco when I need him?" But soon he stood
tall again, and called for a halt from the Peep Squad. "There is a problem,
however," the Major stated. "Scuzz still has his itchy finger on the Big Red
Button, and he hates and despises us all. He will not listen to you."

As if on cue, the county was encompassed in shadow as a tactical nuclear
weapon descended over Florida. "LORENZOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!" Anti's
ass screamed.

Antifrance ran up to the two. "Wait, guys," he said. "I have an idea."

*  *  *  *  *

As the KPS retreated to Georgia, the whole of Palm Beach County was
destroyed in nuclear flame; but Antifrance, his ass, and Maj. de C.
immediately made their way to the Scuzz Lorenzo residence near Boston. As
they snuck into an open window, they noticed that a door had been boarded up
and a bookcase was placed haphazardly in front of it.

"Let's do it," de Castellvi whispered. They carefully began to move the
bookcase to the side.... and nearly got it out of the way when a series of
old Amazing Tales magazines fell off into a pile. The group heard Scuzz
moving in another room.

"Damn! Just dump 'em!" Anti's ass declared, as he pulled out a bayonet and
began prying the boards off the door. When it was opened, the doorway
revealed stairs to a basement. The three jumped down the stairs, just as
Scuzz's footsteps could be heard walking towards the hallway.

"Wow," Antifrance said as he pulled the lightstring. "So this is where Scuzz
junked all of Infinity's stuff."

They sifted through Pez dispensers, severed krab klaws (damn, this basement
stinks), Left Socks, and various trinkets. Finally they found what they were
looking for.

"Here it is: the Cap's Time Machine." They set the target for a day earlier.

At that instant, the door burst open and Scuzz Lorenzo barrelled in -- but
the three dematerialized before he could make it downstairs.

*  *  *  *  *

They found themselves in the basement again, a day earlier. Finding the door
boarded, of course, they picked up a wooden coffin which seemed to have been
meant for Tropea, and used it as a battering ram.

As they emerged from the basement staircase, the intrepid Peepers found
Lorenzo sitting on a couch, drinking Captain Morgan's. "Split!" shouted de
Castellvi as Scuzz stumbled to his feet.

Anti's ass dove for the chimney, which had been adapted to a small missile
silo. Antifrance and the Major ran down the hall, to the room Scuzz had been
in the day after. "Get away from that room!" yelled the ex-Captain, as he
tossed his near-empty bottle down the hallway. It shattered on a wall,
sending glass shards all over Antifrance and de Castellvi. Undaunted, they
entered the room and began pulling wires, attempting to disable the launch

Meanwhile, the ass climbed up to the missile itself and found the drive
systems. Yanking out a hose on the rocket's air-intake system, it hooked the
hose to itself and released methane gas into the launching system.

The gas mixed with the fuel and reacted violently, blowing out the missile's
drive systems. The nuke would not be going anywhere soon.

"Ok, let's get out of here!" The ass met up with the others and made a run
for the front door.

"Good job, fellows," said Maj. de Castellvi. "I think we've learned a
valuable lesson today. Stupidity must be combatted at all levels -- but not
at the risk of our own."

"Except at the risk of Mr. Hole; he was expendable," Anti added.

"Very true," his ass replied. "Let's go back to Servo."

.....My ass saved my family, and I saved my ass from not being in any more

Brendan Dillon (aka Antifrance),

"The mother of all fuckups is shooting yourself in
the foot with a waffle. Think about it. How in all
hell do you shoot yourself with a waffle?!?"
     -Cronan's Words of Wisdom

Go to the Kamikaze Peep Squad.

Return to The Duct Tape Avenger.