Subject: Re: (Election) Why it's far from over Date: Tue, 14 Nov 2000 12:35:45 -0500 From: Antifrance <email@example.com> Organization: Cronan died for your sins. Message-ID: <3A1177F1.4DBE13C5@yahoo.com> Newsgroups: alt.fan.tom-servo, alt.religion.kibology, alt.tv.real-world Mortis wrote: > You should've mentioned it before we decided to launch a tactical nuke > strike against Palm Beach. THE ADVENTURES OF MY ASS IN PALM BEACH COUNTY (From the My Ass: A Real American Hero Series) It was a dark time for the Kamikaze Peep Squad, as its members took up arms in an all-out assault on stupidity everywhere, but especially in Florida. Scuzz Lorenzo was elected as psychotic enough to be the keeper of the Big Red Button, and everyone else took to the road. But there was one voice who stood out: oh yes, the cause was good, but there was a problem. Antifrance, First Sergeant of the Oligarchy Peep Contingent, and a wing of the KPS assault team, had many branches of family in Florida, including West Palm Beach. Anti's yelling was unheard, however, and the assault moved on. Antifrance, along with his ass, split from the assault even as other members of the OPC continued on. "This cannot be allowed," Antifrance mumbled. "Not like this." "There is a way," his ass replied, reassuringly. "We have no choice but to go renegade." And so it was. Antifrance and his ass, along with Floridians Lots42, Oven, and LisaB, made their way to Palm Beach County to begin their defenses. * * * * * At the Peep Front, preparations for invasion were being made. Major de Castellvi and his NCO, Sgt. VanSickle, rallied the troops. Soon, the KPS was in formation and began the journey to Palm Beach. As they approached the target, they suddenly heard a yell. "Don't fire until you see the carnauba wax of their eyes!" said the voice; it was obviously Antifrance's ass. The Squad got ready to take on the resisting forces. Anti's ass fired first, and the other renegades followed. The Peep Squad charged the front line and counterattacked. Antifrance fired again, and Mr. Hole tumbled back, fatally wounded. Oven hit Mortis in the shoulder; the wraith laughed as the wound healed instantly, and picked off Oven. Antifrance's ass rolled over and jumped up to find himself face to face with none other than Major de Castellvi. "So, we finally face each other in battle," said the ass. "And I thought this would only happen when Canada invades the U.S." "Do not stand in our way," the Major declared, trudging forward. "This is something that must be done for the good of the non-stupid." "Don't you realize what you're doing? There are Ebony Assers in Florida, and their families. And they aren't part of the idiot population." De Castellvi slumped. "Where's Il Porco when I need him?" But soon he stood tall again, and called for a halt from the Peep Squad. "There is a problem, however," the Major stated. "Scuzz still has his itchy finger on the Big Red Button, and he hates and despises us all. He will not listen to you." As if on cue, the county was encompassed in shadow as a tactical nuclear weapon descended over Florida. "LORENZOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!" Anti's ass screamed. Antifrance ran up to the two. "Wait, guys," he said. "I have an idea." * * * * * As the KPS retreated to Georgia, the whole of Palm Beach County was destroyed in nuclear flame; but Antifrance, his ass, and Maj. de C. immediately made their way to the Scuzz Lorenzo residence near Boston. As they snuck into an open window, they noticed that a door had been boarded up and a bookcase was placed haphazardly in front of it. "Let's do it," de Castellvi whispered. They carefully began to move the bookcase to the side.... and nearly got it out of the way when a series of old Amazing Tales magazines fell off into a pile. The group heard Scuzz moving in another room. "Damn! Just dump 'em!" Anti's ass declared, as he pulled out a bayonet and began prying the boards off the door. When it was opened, the doorway revealed stairs to a basement. The three jumped down the stairs, just as Scuzz's footsteps could be heard walking towards the hallway. "Wow," Antifrance said as he pulled the lightstring. "So this is where Scuzz junked all of Infinity's stuff." They sifted through Pez dispensers, severed krab klaws (damn, this basement stinks), Left Socks, and various trinkets. Finally they found what they were looking for. "Here it is: the Cap's Time Machine." They set the target for a day earlier. At that instant, the door burst open and Scuzz Lorenzo barrelled in -- but the three dematerialized before he could make it downstairs. * * * * * They found themselves in the basement again, a day earlier. Finding the door boarded, of course, they picked up a wooden coffin which seemed to have been meant for Tropea, and used it as a battering ram. As they emerged from the basement staircase, the intrepid Peepers found Lorenzo sitting on a couch, drinking Captain Morgan's. "Split!" shouted de Castellvi as Scuzz stumbled to his feet. Anti's ass dove for the chimney, which had been adapted to a small missile silo. Antifrance and the Major ran down the hall, to the room Scuzz had been in the day after. "Get away from that room!" yelled the ex-Captain, as he tossed his near-empty bottle down the hallway. It shattered on a wall, sending glass shards all over Antifrance and de Castellvi. Undaunted, they entered the room and began pulling wires, attempting to disable the launch controls. Meanwhile, the ass climbed up to the missile itself and found the drive systems. Yanking out a hose on the rocket's air-intake system, it hooked the hose to itself and released methane gas into the launching system. The gas mixed with the fuel and reacted violently, blowing out the missile's drive systems. The nuke would not be going anywhere soon. "Ok, let's get out of here!" The ass met up with the others and made a run for the front door. "Good job, fellows," said Maj. de Castellvi. "I think we've learned a valuable lesson today. Stupidity must be combatted at all levels -- but not at the risk of our own." "Except at the risk of Mr. Hole; he was expendable," Anti added. "Very true," his ass replied. "Let's go back to Servo." .....My ass saved my family, and I saved my ass from not being in any more stories. -- Brendan Dillon (aka Antifrance), GPG; 1SG, KPS OPC; SC, HQ, SURLI firstname.lastname@example.org http://ducttape.simplenet.com "The mother of all fuckups is shooting yourself in the foot with a waffle. Think about it. How in all hell do you shoot yourself with a waffle?!?" -Cronan's Words of Wisdom
Return to The Duct Tape Avenger.