From: Antifrance <firstname.lastname@example.org> Subject: Newton's Cheesewheel Date: 09 Dec 1999 00:00:00 GMT Organization: The Ebony Ass Consortium Message-ID: <3850167E.549148AB@yahoo.com> Newsgroups: alt.fan.tom-servo,sci.physics Today I was making a sandwich for lunch (I am a sandwich connoisseur) and as I was carrying various meats and cheeses to the counter, I dropped both packages of cheese several times. The meats remained in my grasp at all times. After placing it all on the counter, the cheese slipped and once again fell on the floor. From this continuing tendency I can only conclude one thing: gravity is stronger on cheese than any other substance. Yes, I know it sounds ridiculous, but I assure you it's true. As you may know, the equation for the velocity of a falling object is as follows: v = 9.80 m/s/s (t * m) (Or something like that, I'm a bit rusty.) But with cheese, a new factor comes into play, and the relevant equation becomes: v = 9.80 m/s/s (t * m (e + 1)) Where "e" represents the quality of the cheese on the Earl Scale (named after Earl of Sandwich), usually a fraction. With the average cheese, (e + 1) usually ranges from 1.2 to 1.5, causing a slight increase in gravitational pull, while quality cheeses such as premium Muenster can reach 1.8, nearly doubling its pull. Furthermore, the value of e for Kraft Singles and similar products often dips to the negative, so under certain conditions, it is theoretically possible for really crappy cheese to float in midair. This discovery, if developed to its full potential, could revolutionize the aerospace industry. --- Brendan Dillon (aka Antifrance), General Purpose God email@example.com http://ducttape.simplenet.com There is nothing the Y2K Bug can do to my computer that will make it run any worse than it already does.
Return to The Duct Tape Avenger.