Newton's Cheesewheel


From:         Antifrance <>
Subject:      Newton's Cheesewheel
Date:         09 Dec 1999 00:00:00 GMT
Organization: The Ebony Ass Consortium
Message-ID:   <>

Today I was making a sandwich for lunch (I am a sandwich connoisseur)
and as I was carrying various meats and cheeses to the counter, I
dropped both packages of cheese several times. The meats remained in my
grasp at all times. After placing it all on the counter, the cheese
slipped and once again fell on the floor. From this continuing tendency
I can only conclude one thing: gravity is stronger on cheese than any
other substance. Yes, I know it sounds ridiculous, but I assure you it's
true. As you may know, the equation for the velocity of a falling object
is as follows:

    v = 9.80 m/s/s (t * m)

(Or something like that, I'm a bit rusty.) But with cheese, a new factor
comes into play, and the relevant equation becomes:

    v = 9.80 m/s/s (t * m (e + 1))

Where "e" represents the quality of the cheese on the Earl Scale (named
after Earl of Sandwich), usually a fraction. With the average cheese,
(e + 1) usually ranges from 1.2 to 1.5, causing a slight increase in
gravitational pull, while quality cheeses such as premium Muenster can
reach 1.8, nearly doubling its pull.

Furthermore, the value of e for Kraft Singles and similar products often
dips to the negative, so under certain conditions, it is theoretically
possible for really crappy cheese to float in midair. This discovery, if
developed to its full potential, could revolutionize the aerospace

Brendan Dillon (aka Antifrance),
General Purpose God

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