The Decision

Original post: Mr. Hole
Wackylaced by: Brendan

Subject:      Re: The Decision
Date:         Sun, 05 Dec 1999 20:54:31 -0500
From:         Antifrance <>
Organization: The Ebony Ass Consortion
Message-ID:   <>

Mr. Leftover Slimy-Drumstick wrote some of the following:

> The elusive Mr. Hole (who's on vacation) telegraphed the winner of the

Annual Asshole Insertion Contest, which he won again. He then sent the

> "Wackylace Duel" to me, on this day NOVEMBER THIRTIETH, NINETEEN-HUNDRED

TIMES!!1! After clearing my flooded inbox, I partied like it was NINETEEN

> Here are his words:
> "The competition was fierce, and I have belabored over my final decision

on the age-old question: "What's for dinner?" I've been living off Ramen soup

> for many days. First a recap for those joining us late; two young and

dashing guys showed up, saw they weren't needed, and left, so two other

> some would say innocent men became entangled with the profligate

whore of and company. Apparently, she is a

> temptress known as "Lori/80's child". Both men sought to make her their

dinner so they wouldn't have to eat Ramen noodles. But they settled for a

> skank. So the two men decided to settle their differences in a contest

of talking shit from miles away, since both were completely bereft

> of strengths. Wayland challenged Sergey B to a "wackylace duel" in the

now famous Stupid Post Heard 'Round the World. I'll quote him in the

> following post:


> Sergey accepted Wayland's challenge by lacing that very post.
> This contest has been a great inconvenience to moi. As you may know I am

unable to judge which shoe is which, let alone a contest, so now I am

> currently on vacation, touring the various ruins of New Hampshire. So

many innocent Ebony Assers have perished in this thoughtless conflict that

> when "Mr. Leftover Slimy-Drumstick" contacted me about the winner I had

already donated to the disaster releif fund in aft-s. After that, I made

> him send me all prospective posts. They certainly weren't the best laces

but I could still tie my shoes with them in 45 minutes. These posts are all

> I've ever read, most went for cheap shots, tossed about insults and

generally turned me off of reading anything. Some of the worst ones even

> called into question the other contestant's masculinity. But I tried to

stifle my giggling long enough to finish reading them. I've attempted to

> be fair and have reached a decision


> The winner is.................... it's a draw!!!!!!

'Cause I'm not good at making real decisions.

> Wayland and Sergey tied, can you believe it?

All I want is to tie my shoes but they just keep getting tangled in...

> "So what does this mean for Lori?"
> Glad you asked, here's your answer: Lori will be cut in half. Now comes

the really stupid part of this post. Who in the world will take on

> the difficult task of deciding which part of Lori goes to which guy? Do

any of the Ebony Assers have the capacity, or desire? Serge, Wayland, so

> either of you have a preference? Top or Bottom? Or we could just slice

Wayland and Sergey, and then it wouldn't matter. Unless someone wants to cut

> her down the middle? Left or Right?"
> Yes, I was as shocked by Mr. Hole's decision as you all must be, but he

is an idiot, so you should have expected it. Besides, for some reason, he

> was appointed judge, so his decision is final.

Brendan Dillon,
General Purpose God -==- ICQ: 3129266

"...All I'm saying is that Tipper
Gore looks a lot like the Y2K Bug."
        - Cronan Thompson

Go to the Kamikaze Peep Squad.

Return to The Duct Tape Avenger.