Subject: Re: The Decision Date: Sun, 05 Dec 1999 20:54:31 -0500 From: Antifrance <email@example.com> Organization: The Ebony Ass Consortion Message-ID: <384B1757.2D35AB82@yahoo.com> Newsgroups: alt.fan.mrclean,alt.fan.tom-servo Mr. Leftover Slimy-Drumstick wrote some of the following: > The elusive Mr. Hole (who's on vacation) telegraphed the winner of the Annual Asshole Insertion Contest, which he won again. He then sent the > "Wackylace Duel" to me, on this day NOVEMBER THIRTIETH, NINETEEN-HUNDRED TIMES!!1! After clearing my flooded inbox, I partied like it was NINETEEN > NINETY-NINE. > > Here are his words: > > "The competition was fierce, and I have belabored over my final decision on the age-old question: "What's for dinner?" I've been living off Ramen soup > for many days. First a recap for those joining us late; two young and dashing guys showed up, saw they weren't needed, and left, so two other > some would say innocent men became entangled with the profligate whore of alt.fan.tom-servo and company. Apparently, she is a > temptress known as "Lori/80's child". Both men sought to make her their dinner so they wouldn't have to eat Ramen noodles. But they settled for a > skank. So the two men decided to settle their differences in a contest of talking shit from miles away, since both were completely bereft > of strengths. Wayland challenged Sergey B to a "wackylace duel" in the now famous Stupid Post Heard 'Round the World. I'll quote him in the > following post: [snip] > Sergey accepted Wayland's challenge by lacing that very post. > > This contest has been a great inconvenience to moi. As you may know I am unable to judge which shoe is which, let alone a contest, so now I am > currently on vacation, touring the various ruins of New Hampshire. So many innocent Ebony Assers have perished in this thoughtless conflict that > when "Mr. Leftover Slimy-Drumstick" contacted me about the winner I had already donated to the disaster releif fund in aft-s. After that, I made > him send me all prospective posts. They certainly weren't the best laces but I could still tie my shoes with them in 45 minutes. These posts are all > I've ever read, most went for cheap shots, tossed about insults and generally turned me off of reading anything. Some of the worst ones even > called into question the other contestant's masculinity. But I tried to stifle my giggling long enough to finish reading them. I've attempted to > be fair and have reached a decision [snip] > The winner is.................... it's a draw!!!!!! 'Cause I'm not good at making real decisions. > Wayland and Sergey tied, can you believe it? All I want is to tie my shoes but they just keep getting tangled in... > "So what does this mean for Lori?" > > Glad you asked, here's your answer: Lori will be cut in half. Now comes the really stupid part of this post. Who in the world will take on > the difficult task of deciding which part of Lori goes to which guy? Do any of the Ebony Assers have the capacity, or desire? Serge, Wayland, so > either of you have a preference? Top or Bottom? Or we could just slice Wayland and Sergey, and then it wouldn't matter. Unless someone wants to cut > her down the middle? Left or Right?" > > Yes, I was as shocked by Mr. Hole's decision as you all must be, but he is an idiot, so you should have expected it. Besides, for some reason, he > was appointed judge, so his decision is final. --- Brendan Dillon, General Purpose God firstname.lastname@example.org -==- ICQ: 3129266 http://ducttape.simplenet.com "...All I'm saying is that Tipper Gore looks a lot like the Y2K Bug." - Cronan Thompson
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