Babies, Booze, and Breastmilk:

Antifrance's Recap of Virginia Elf Spat II

Subject:    Babies, Booze and Breastmilk: The Virginia Elf Spat II
            Recap and Photo Album
Date:       Wed, 21 Feb 2001 05:23:00 GMT
From:       Antifrance <>
Message-ID: <>

My photo album is online; you can see it at the following link. (I don't
have a link on the Elf Spat page yet.) Also, this recap is scattered
with footnotes cross-referenced to particular photos, to highten your
reading experience. (

Comments and corrections are of course welcome.


Wayland, Bessie, Emily Jane, and I piled up in my car after work and
departed on our northbound journey. You may have thought a long drive
with you-know-who might be difficult, what with the potential for
fussing, whining and general annoyance, but fortunately, she was quiet
most of the way. Oh, and the baby was too.

We arrived at Beth and Jaime's condo at about 1:00 am. Arthur Levesque
was already there and was planning to stay the night, so we sat around
and talked for a while. Much fawning over the baby occured [1]. We found
out that the laziest couple in North America, Jaime and Beth, haven't
yet taken down their Xmas tree, which was covered in Star Trek ornaments
[2]. Finally everyone went to bed, and Arthur and I got on the futon and
made hot monkey love all night.


I woke up around 11 with a girl in my arms (unfortunately, she was only
six weeks old). Lori arrived a little while later, and a hunter-gatherer
party was assembled, consisting of myself, Wayland, Arthur, and Lori, to
make their way to the Ginat (a grocery store).

Upon our return, Wayland began preparations for a couple of pesto pizzae
[3] (which we didn't call spaghetti). Meanwhile, Arthur presented
selections from his extensive video collection, starting with George
Lucas In Love and moving on to The Tick and others. Jaime introduced
Wayland to pipe smoking [4] (Wayland is used to smoking a pipe, but not
having tobacco in it). After the pizzae were consumed, The Ferrets were
unleashed [5] as is Virginia Elf Spat tradition. At some point, Jaime
had a bit of fun with his Canadian Army-issue Super Soaker [6], and Beth
taught Bessie how to utilize her post-partem dairy deposits for evil
purposes, much to Lori's dismay. Eventually Arthur made lasagna (Italian
and Mexican) [7], both of which kicked ass. Arthur also contributed
several bottles of flavored Stolichnaya vodka, and a copy of Trey
Parker's "Orgazmo," which was very educational. Afterwards, Elf Chat
ensued [8]. It was certainly one of the more interesting chats we've
had; even Lori's hubby showed up (hee hee). Also, Bessie (who had
nothing to drink, BTW) perfected her aim and squirted Arthur square
between the eyes.

Meanwhile, a few of us were still watching TV. Bessie and I found
Battlebots on the comedy channel; Beth soon walked in and freaked.
("There are sports on my TV!!!11!1!!1") When that was over, Beth popped
in a few Red Dwarf videos, including the frightening American version
(starring Dax and Daphne). Soon all the adults passed out and only Emily
Jane remained awake, staying in chat late into Sunday morning and
finally vanquishing Mortis as chat winner [9]. In the other room, Lori
and I got on the futon and made hot monkey love all night.


A very evil bastard who shall remain nameless (we'll just call him, for
the sake of the argument, Wayland) decided to wake me up with Jaime's
Super Soaker. Not much was going on, everyone just sat around and talked
until the host and hostess awoke. Arthur put on "Re-Animator," a classic
reverse-necrophilia documentary. ("Is that rigor mortis or are you just
happy to see me?" -Wayland) At noon, Wayland was granted the special
privilege of watching sports, which even Jaime has never been allowed
before. Most of the Spat ducked out as Wayland switched to the Duke
basketball game, since he has a blood disorder that would kill him
unless exposed to each Duke game. (It's an epidemic in this part of NC.)
We learned that Jaime is a sex goddess [10], and that his Xmas gift to
Beth was a Star Trek toilet seat [11], which is appropriate because Star
Trek is in the toilet. Then everyone sat around and acted bored until
Beth yelled at the top of her lungs, "HOLY SANDWICHES!!!!!" [12]

So I spend the next hour or so in the kitchen making sandwiches while
everyone else watched more Red Dwarf. And after that, some Red Dwarf.
Jaime made gazpacho, marzapan and flann (sp?) which were enjoyed by
some. When someone turned off the VCR and we inadvertantly find
ourselves watching Saturday Night Live, the natives quickly became
restless, and Arthur and Bessie (who had been flirting all weekend)
decided to resolve the tension between them in a ferret vs. breastmilk
cagematch [13]. Everyone ducked.

Eventually we had to leave, around 7:00. We ended up getting home at
1:30 because we stopped at Waffle House at shift change. In the real
world: we bombed Iraq for the 5,985th time, Dale Earnhardt died, Bob
Hope didn't, and part of Florida received flaming justice for last


Brendan Dillon (aka Antifrance),

"Open up my head and let me out....."
-Dave Matthews Band

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