Next televised sport: Ultimate Dodgeball?

(Damienne, James D. Thompson, Arthur Levesque, Brendan)

Subject:      Re: Next televised sport: Ultimate Wackylacing?
Date:         Wed, 01 May 2002 15:33:10 -0400
From:         Antifrance <>
Organization: Oligarchy University
Message-ID:   <>

NEW USENET RECORD!!! This will be the eighth layer of this wackylace,
including the original post. Previous record was Lori and Blarg's
"Apology" thread, which reached six layers.

Damienne, Buttnarc, Arthur, and Antifrance wrote:

> D=Damienne, Podkayne Fries' evil daughter what evils at midnight
> J=James D Thompson, "...and then there was the Tommy gun..."
> And A=Arthur Levesque, whose work here may or may not be done.
> Followed by F for Antifrance, because France is Fun!

D>Hello all. I am Damienne, and my mother is Podkayne Fries. She was
J>impregnated several years ago by Dan Tropea, and thanks to Dan I am
D>now in the witness protection program. Everyone was
A>amazed that Dan could impregnate someone at all; he must've learned by
F>reading Anyway, some weird Martian chyk was
J>busting my chops about desert excavations and Shadow ships. She was
D>bored with that, so she decided to be
  a nun. But since nuns can't drool over Tyr, she left. Later, she was
D>reading this today and wanted to know what I thought. Basically, I
J>have decided that now is my time to shine. My mom taught me to
D>post tactless comments on Usenet so that I can embarass her. I
A>figure she doesn't need my help to do that; so I'll find someone to
F>love. Don't you want somebody to love? Don't you need somebody to
J>love? That Matthew Sweet video came out when I was two. The veejays
D>on TRL are cool (except for Carson- for him Carosel awaits!) and they
  are unappealing for anyone who's outgrown Blink 182. Charlton Heston
D>think that whoever believes that dodgeball is the root of all evil
J>and misery in the world should be shot in the butt with a dart. She
D>- that is, my mother- continues to believe that Dan Tropea
A>is really Mr. Hole; but even Mr. Hole thinks that Dan Tropea
F>looks like Judge Doom. But then, we always knew that Mr. Hole
J>was Mr. Gone's bumbling little brother. The Izzes all told me he
D>knew Damienne was told about him by Podkayne, who no one thinks
  more kindly of than Sergeant Van Sickle. Each ex-husband of hers
D>is an idiot. There are many ways to get even with somebody if you
J>have "friends in the business", such as my 37 uncles. I think they
D>know where Jimmy Hoffa is buried. The agents in the FBI
A>are also trying to crack down on dodgeball. Sure, the Palestinians
F>throw dodgeballs at innocent Israelis, which is one reason why they
J>don't understand Yiddish or SLC. Hence, the Mormon Elders of Zion
D>who Damienne also doesn't know about
  played Frisbee on a brisk spring day. All of Enron's stockholders
D>are mad, yet whacking that person upside the head is not one of
J>the ways to convince them of that fact. Not even I can convince them
D>that the dog really *did* eat my homework.

D>I played dodgeball in gym class just this week and the gym teacher
J>spent the entire time giving anatomy lessons to Miss Hall. We
D>laughed because Miss Bell and Miss Hall ignored us. No one
A>got much exercise while they did what they did, but all the boys
F>got plenty of "wrist exercise" when they took turns and
J>'passed the buck around'. John Ashcroft and the Justice Department
D>wanted to play, but couldn't so while they played duck duck goose, I
  think that's what they were doing, anyway. G.W. and Donald Rumsfeld
D>closely supervised it. We use soft little nerf balls, so even if
J>Miss Hall was very sore she would still take the whole thing.

D>I *wanted* to hit someone in the face, it wouldn't hurt at all.
J>Nerf balls suck. Golf balls work a lot better, but I can't throw.
D>OTOH, Butty couldn't hit the side of a barn with an elephant.
A>I couldn't either, I have good aim but how could I throw an elephant?
F>They won't let me bring my elephant catapult ever since Columbine.
J>Pumpkin gun? No. Cat-o-nine-tails? Nada. Iron Maiden? Right out.
D>I changed my mind and said I prefer Black Sabbath.
  I like biting bats' heads off like Ozzy, but Mom says I can't.
D>Besides, I would then be out of the game. Being one of the many
J>snotbags grinding my way through the education pits, I know of
D>many things - of shoes and ships and sealing wax, and I know
A>that we all have to wax ourselves (even the guys); it's necessary for
F>the aerodynamics of speed-dodgeball. I beat the hell out of
J>the guy who put glue in my wax bottle. I was laughed at by too
D>many Usenet people, who will be tortured by Mom when I go to bed. I know
  that on the* froups, Mom makes fools out of
D>many young people that play dodgeball on a regular basis, I know
J>of many burned-out babysitters who call themselves teachers, and
D>I used to fix their computer problems when I was 7. Also, I know
A>calculus and the first third of the Kama Sutra. About THAT, mom tells me
F>to always use protection. But to her, that just means
J>keeping the Baron in the Barn. He's a Magic Man, mama. He knows
D>Arthur & Brendan are big perverts by using phrases I don't know,and
  besides, all boys have cooties. The "cooties rule book" says
D>that the object of the game is to get all the people on the
J>left side of the school to flush simultaneously. I get the
D>idea that many people on Usenet enjoy that game, too. I get
A>goosebumps just thinking about having my team moon the
F>crowd during a pep rally. Then we'll burn effigies of the
J>school mascot and write up a wicked blood libel to take the
D>entire day playing hopscotch with the *special class*, and get the
  English teacher to call this sentence a run-on while we drive the
D>opposite team out of the game by hitting them with the ball until
J>they start to laugh, then I punch them in the mouth or nose until
D>the teacher sends me to the office. After that,
A>well, it's Miller Time! By the time the teachers finish playing Doctor,
F>the boys' locker room is a sticky mess, and in the girls' room,
J>the elephants have pooped all over and made such a mess. So now
D>Jaime is happy because there is poop on the floor, and
  most of the janitors gave up and left, citing union violations;
D>there's only one person left. Yes, I realize there are some
J>people who think I'm as much a psycho as anyone else. Well, those
D>people are probably right. FEAR ME!! There are
A>also sorts of salsas and chocolate sauces I use when I roast
F>Mr. Hole over an open flame. Of course, I'm one of those
J>gals who likes to play fire games. I swear that I'll burn all the
D>advertisements for CRUSADE, while JMS cries and the
  fanboys in rastb5.mod scream bloody murder. Oh well; they're all
D>twisted children that like hitting other people and the reason
J>they play is to get a doctor's note to stay home, the only reason
D>is to go out to vandalize the gym teacher's car in the parking lot.

D>they play dodgeball is to hurt other kids, but that is very rare
J>when the gym teacher is giving those lessons out to the cute girls
D>especially since the gym teacher is a woman. Eeww. This is known
A>as "yodelling in the valley"
F>for various reasons. This has been unanimously decided
J>as the new theme song for the Ricola ads. Snorting it is like oxy
A>but only Antifrance would know about that. This is funny
  to an epileptic midget named Bill. His Shatner impression is known
D>among the multitude of kids I know.

D>If you're whining that your poor little baby got smacked with a
J>cue stick in the middle of a pool game, teach her to grab a stray
D>biker and go bowling instead. If the biker takes your
A>innocence then grab a switchblade and take his left
F>testicle. There's a terrible pun coming up. If you're not having a
J>handful, then why are you praying to Sister Havana? Have yourself a
D>a merry little Christmas and if you have a bad experience with a bowling
  pin up your butt, see Bozo the Proctologist. He thinks Voyager sucks
D>ball, whine to the supervising adult that was there. Anyway, why
J>not throw the ball at someone? I hear it's fun. Can you find where
D>Waldo is?

D>are these teachers in other schools using hard balls!? Don't they
J>have enough to spare for us? Can you hear me laugh? Do you not
D>worship the ground upon which I walk? Do you
A>have any live pirahnas in your shorts? Do you want some? Do you
F>see this knife? I've killed six people with it. How the hell would I
J>clean up the mess from that? Slasher movies are no help here. I
D>have watched them all, but they're no help at school. Don't you
  go out of the house with my kitchen knives, Young Lady! Didn't you
D>know that kids can get hurt from these? Whoever isn't smart enough
J>to call my mom when I'm released from the facility should learn
D>that I am Daminenne, spawn of Satan. FEAR ME!! Whoever doesn't learn
A>that men should be scarce during girl-girl stuff will get kicked
F>in the shins and subjected to repeated demands to FEAR ME!!
J>For that, I got put in the hole. While in the hotbox, I learned
D>that anyone idiotic enough to not know
  what hotboxing is was successful in the DARE program, and in order
D>to associate hard ball=pain needs to go back to preschool.

D>Also, grown people playing dodgeball is extremely ridiculous. Don't
J>they have any shame at besting whiny, defenseless children? Why do
D>adults make fools of themselves on TV? Only
A>morons get onto "Survivor" and "Fear Factor" and "Farscape"; can't
F>I apply for "The Amazing Race" with Mr. Hole? After all, don't
J>they look to team a weirdo and some guy who walks dogs? How do
D>I fill up this line when I don't know how to reply to that comment? Do
  not make fun of me! At least I'm not an atr-w poster, don't
D>these adults have *real* jobs?

Brendan Dillon (aka Antifrance), |

"In my country, the word for 'nerd' is the same as the word for
'almighty ruler of the masses.'" -Kirney Slane

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