My Kitchen has fallen

(Mr. Hole)

Subject:      My Kitchen has fallen
Date:         13 Nov 2001 12:08:53 -0800
From: (The Man-O-Licious Codswalloper Mr. Hole)
Newsgroups:, alt.religion.kibology

Its true, and it seems to be, this is the first huge setback of this
war. Even the Kitty Cats have confirmed that they have zero interest
in defending the Holey estate, although they claim to be regrouping
for a counterattack on any flies or spiders that may cross their
paths. A Hole official (speaking on condition of anonymity) says that
the Kitty Cat Front appears to be fleeing the house in droves - in
favor of spending time in the yard - and are no longer putting up
coordinated opposition.

The sudden collapse may have been aided by the reported ingestion of
mass quantities of cat nip that was stashed in a cabinet in the area
of a bedroom somewhere inside the Hole estate.

The fall of My Kitchen, has a far greater significance than just a
strategic victory, although that is huge. What it signifies is that
current plans to reinforce the defenses against the Rodent Alliance
with ground traps and supplement them only with small numbers of
special ops from the Kitty Cat Front may indeed not be all that is
required to win this war, that more sophisticated traps and a stronger
commitment from Hole will be necessary.

With My kitchen, the Rodent Alliance will now have it's first fully
functional supply of delicious foods, many hard to reach hiding
spaces, and an ample supply of water from the pet bowls.

Brazen food runs rates will surge, supplies to the Rodent Alliance
will massively increase, and comfort levels for Hole will reach new

In other words, everything the Rodent Alliance wanted to do since the
beginning of their infestation will be able to happen now that My
Kitchen is under Rodent Alliance control.  Just as significant, the
Kitty Cat Front after weeks of staring at darkened corners throughout
the Hole estate, and sleeping for untold hours atop the tv have
brought Hole to the realization that the campaign is having no effect
on the Rodent Alliance, and Hole's now going to have to try to explain
to ALL of USENET how he has suffered such a major defeat.

You can see that the fall of My Kitchen cuts the back area of the Hole
estate in half.  Add to that the report that the much beloved
Hurdygurdy is under heavy attack by a Rodent Alliance column and it's
obvious that the entire first floor could fall to the RA in days.
Further south, in the basement you can see that a major advance
towards the Kitty Cat Front's litter boxes will cut off Hole from 2 of
the 3 floors that make up the estate. With My Kitchen under Rodent
Alliance control Hole must now accept further isolation from freedom
to walk bare foot, also this will leave the Kitty Cat Front, and the
retired Max the Wonder Dog, without hope of re-supply.  We may hang on
for awhile, but surrender is could be our only option.

A report is out that a major offensive is being made within hours just
south of Hole in the library East of My Kitchen. This is unconfirmed,
but it is the obvious logical step to take next.

Hole has made some mistakes in this campaign, especially by thinking
that the older ground traps could pass muster against the elite
members of the Rodent Alliance.

But the Kitty Cat Front have made outrageous mistakes themselves, and
they are about to lose the entire war because of it.

However, if the Rodent Alliance wanted to defeat us, they should have
stayed hidden under the sofa or near which ever miniscule opening gave
them entrance into the Hole estate, moved only under cover of night
without leaving droppings in plain sight, not given us anything to
target, not have eaten the bait directly off of the ground traps
without setting them off, not have invited the Kitty Cat Front into
their hiding places and then darted back and forth from within the
estate until the Kitty Cat Front's members got frustrated and left.

Apparently they (the Kitty Cat Front) are too caught up in their
ideology of a mandatory 18 hours a day of sleep and delusions of
cleanliness to even lift a paw to help. (Baby-Whore did, but the other
2 members of the Kitty Cat Front are nowhere near as dedicated as she
is, and now Baby-Whore is held up under a bed because a dump truck
drove down the street, it isn't likely that we will see her for at
least a week, by which point the war could be lost!  For now, she's
stuck there.)

However, by giving Hole dropping formations, and units to target (1
member of the Rodent Alliance ran directly next to Hole's left foot!! 
Hole would have trounced on the foot solider but this being war he was
understandable shellshocked.) they have played into Hole's hands in
ways that they never should have done, just like that sparrow from
Pennsauken that got caught under a tire of the Hole car.

The big question on everyone's mind: Why now, why must this war happen
inside the Hole estate?  Supposedly, Rodent fighters have infiltrated
the Hole estate due to the onset of colder temperatures, and it is
Hole's belief that their numbers are larger because of a drought that
is effected the entire Eastern U.S. its because of this INVASION that
Hole is retreating madly from My Kitchen.  And of course, a mad
retreat of Hole, the Kitty Cat Front, and a 20 year-old dog carried
inside a Red Rider wagon vehicle is the best possible target that the
Rodent Alliance, with their scare tactics can have, that's what
happened on the "highway of death" outside Squirrel Land 10 years

Its now been confirmed that the Rodent Alliance has been rushing out
supplies, in the form of new babies, for reinforcements to the front
lines to keep the onslaught as intense as is possible.

However, if these lines fall, the Rodent Alliance may lose up to 50%
of all of it's military capability in days, as well as the entire
southern half of the Hole estate.

If they don't fall there's a very good chance that by Thanksgiving,
the fortified bedroom of Hole will be under his control, and very
little else.

[1] Ignore that.

Mr. Hole

Return to the Kamikaze Peep Squad.

Return to Selected Usenet Posts.