The Secrets of Popcorn Management

(Mr. Hole)

Subject:      Re: Ever literally fall asleep during a movie?
Date:         Mon, 13 Dec 1999 13:24:24 -0500 (EST)
From: (Mr. Hole)
Organization: WebTV Subscriber
Message-ID:   <>

Sergey Bukhman <> wrote:

>WWS wrote:
>>I slept through most of the second
>>Jurassic Park movie.
>Haven't seen that, but I did fall asleep at
>"Dracula: Dead and Loving It".
>And it was my birthday too!

You folks need to learn Popcorn management skills! I've never fallen
asleep in a movie theatre, not once; well maybe when I was just a

Staying awake at the Movies is often a problem when one doesn't know the
proper techniques for eating their grub while watching the flicker show.
Here's a check list to help you get started:

Step 1. Know the movies' length. This is very important, it will help
you determine exactly how much food you need to purchase. [1]


1 hour and a 30 minute films: most Comedies fit this category so you
won't have to buy in bulk.

What to buy:
1 Small Popcorn
1 Candy treat
1 Small carbonated beverage


2 hour films: most Dramas fit into this category, as do Big-budget
Action films.

What to buy:
1 Medium Popcorn
1 Order of Pretzel-bites, or Nachos
1 Medium carbonated beverage
Candy optional


Films that exceed 2 and a 1/2 hours or more: Oscar contenders or Kevin
Costner films fit this category.

What to buy:
1 Hot Dog
1 Large Popcorn
1 Order of Pretzel-bites, or Nachos
1 Large carbonated beverage

Now this is where it can get tricky, if the line at the Concession-stand
is busy the teenager working behind the counter may gyp you. So what can
you do? Try to pick a plump worker, they're more likely to fill your bag
of Popcorn adequately. If you ask the worker nicely he/she will top off
the bag or fill your beverage until its full; however, you MUST watch
them closely... sometimes a worker is angered by your request, and
gives you "special additives"!!


Step 2. Setting up:

Something that's important in the art of "Popcorn management" is
refusing the temptation to eat your food before the film starts.
It is crucial that you wait until the final preview has run and the
animated "Feature Presentation" reel is seen.

>"But if I do that my munchies will get

Yes they will, to avoid this you should take as many Napkins from the
concession-stand as is humanly possible! Then once you are seated
proceed to wrap you food tightly, use at least four layers on each item.
For the Popcorn: drap four or five open napkins over the opening, then
place two piles of about twenty napkins over them to prevent the heat
from escaping.


Step 3. Eating... or Staying awake:

Even with the shortest films you mustn't consume all your foodstuffs at
once. Dole it out a little at a time, for instance: if you're seeing an
Al Pacino film eat a little bit every time Al's character yells.
If you're seeing an Adam Sandler film eat something every time there's a
joke... oh wait, there are no jokes in an Adam Sandler movie, you'd
never get to eat if you did that! I'm sorry, ignore that last one.

Step 4. All done:

When the film is over and you're still wide awake deposit your trash in
the closest receptacle, take your bundle of unused napkins home with
you, and repeat this process during your next trip to the cinema!

[1] All food purchases are for one person only [2], if you share your food
with others increase every item by two.

[2] Unless you're a major Fat-ass, then you should ignore all
recommendations and allow that BOTTOMLESS PIT you call a stomach to
dictate what you consume.

Mr. Hole:
The Imperial Wizard,
King of Righteous Thought

This post may cause DROWSINESS,
ALCOHOL may intensify this effect, use
care when operating  dangerous machinery.

"Not only is Santa a lie, he will ravage you sexually, drink your blood
and drag your palpating carcasses down to Hell with him!" -Americhrist

How's your
williwaw Cronan 1979-1999

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