Subject: Fabulous New Quincy Me Script! Date: Thu, 09 Mar 2000 16:32:55 GMT From: Simon Clark 2000 <firstname.lastname@example.org> Organization: International Rescue -- F. A. B. THUNDERBIRDS ARE GO! Message-ID: <email@example.com> Newsgroups: alt.tv.quincy-me,alt.tv.a-team,alt.religion.kibology, alt.fan.tom-servo QUINCY ME ========= Starring Jack Klugbucket as Quincy Me. Gary Walberg as Lieutenant Frank Monahan. That guy who plays Gomez Adams as Dr Asten. Robert Ito as Sam Fujisomething. Oh, yeah and there's that guy who runs Danny's. What's his name? I forget who played him. He's probably dead now anyway. With special celebrity guest corpse: George Peppard! This weeks episode: MURDER! MURDER SCENE MURDERER STANDS OVER BLOOD SOAKED CORPSE WIELDING AN AXE MONAHAN: This is an open and shut case, Quince. It was clearly a suicide. MURDERER: It was me! I did it! I KILLED THE BASTARD!!! MONAHAN: So you keep telling me. Now for the last time: GO AWAY! MURDERER RESUMES HACKING UP CORPSE QUINCY: This was no suicide, Gary. MONAHAN: Who? QUINCY: This man died because he was black! Every year thousands of black Americans die needlessly, just because they are black! Something's got to be done about it, Gary! And I'm gonna lead a one man crusade to see that no black Americans die ever again! MONAHAN: Quince, he's not black. QUINCY: Oh, in that case he probably drowned. Did you know that every year thousands of Americans drown needlessly! And all because of so-called "H2O!" Sure, they tell us it's so safe you could even drink it. But is it? IS IT? Factories pump thousands upon thousands of gallons of the stuff into our rivers each and every day! And I'm going to put a stop to it if it's the last thing I ever do! MONAHAN: Well I still say it's suicide. CORPSE: Actually I think I'm better now. MURDERER BEGINS HACKING UP THE CORPSE AGAIN MURDERER: See, I murdered him! I confess! I chopped him up with an axe because he slept with my wife! MONAHAN: Sergeant, remove this man and make sure he doesn't come back. SERGEANT: SIR YES SIR! LIEUTENANT MONAHAN SIR! RIGHT AWAY SIR! MONAHAN: Just do it! SERGEANT: Sorry... SERGEANT DRAGS MURDERER AWAY MONAHAN: Now where were we Quince? QUINCY: I still think the water theory is better. But I'll go back to the Batcave... MONAHAN: Lab. QUINCY: ...whatever, and do an autopsy just in case I'm wrong. But that's not very likely because I'm almost NEVER wrong! Am I Gary?. MONAHAN: Why do you keep calling me Gary? QUINCY: Bye! OUTSIDE LAB ASTEN: Quincy, I hope you're not trying to "investigate" a "murder" again? You're not are you Qunicy? QUINCY? QUINCY: Piss off Gomez, I'm not speaking to you. ASTEN: Will you stop making fun of my facial hair. It's was funny the first time but it's just insulting now. QUINCY (fingers in ears): LALALA-I-CAN'T-HERE-YOU-LALALALA... DR ASTEN STORMS OFF QUINCY ENTERS LAB INSIDE LAB QUINCY: Bob, do you have a minute? SAM: Yes, and it's Sam. QUINCY: Run this thing through the Batcomputer... SAM: Spectrometer. QUINCY: ...for me will you Bobby? SAM: Quincy, it's an axe! QUINCY: Are you sure? SAM: Yes! See? It's axe-shaped and everything. QUINCY: Oh yeah! Cool! SAM: It's covered in blood too. Is that the murder weapon? QUINCY: No, I just found lying by this guy who drowned and I wondered what it was. QUINCY BEGINS JUGGLING KNIVES SAM: Why are you doing that? QUINCY: It's in the script! SAM: What script? QUINCY: Err. Did I say script? I meant it's my new hobby. Yes that's right, it's my new hobby. SAM: Well, stop it. We have an autopsy to do. AUTOPSY ROOM-THINGY QUINCY: Pass me the Batknife... SAM: Scalpel. QUINCY: ...please Bobby. SAM PASSES SCALPEL TO QUINCY QUINCY MAKES FIRST INCISION SAM: Shouldn't we remove his clothes first, Quince? QUINCY: That's disgusting! Are you some kind of deviant or something? SAM: It's standard procedure. QUINCY: Right! Okay! You do it then! I'm not touching a dead body! SAM STARTS TO REMOVE THE CORPSE'S CLOTHES QUINCY: HA HA! BOBBY'S UNDRESSING THE DEAD GUY! THE CORPSE'S LEFT ARM FALLS OFF QUINCY: EWWWWW! GROSS! BICYCLE ROLLS INTO AUTOPSY ROOM-THINGY QUINCY: Danny, how long have you been a bicycle? DANNY: Oh, I've always been a bicycle Jack. Just like you've always been dead! QUINCY: I'm not dead. DANNY: Oh, but you are. YOU ARE! BWAHAHAHAHAHAHA... DANNY WHEELS OUT OF THE AUTOPSY ROOM-THINGY STILL LAUGHING QUINCY: I'm scared now. Hug me, Bobby! Bobby? Where are you? QUINCY IS ALONE WITH THE CORPSE MURDERER ENTERS QUINCY: I remember who you are now! You're that Kibo guy! MURDERER: I don't know who I am any more. All I know is that none of this is real, and you are making it all happen. I must stop you before the whole world falls under your control. JACK KLUGBUCKET MUST DIE!!! QUINCY: Jack who? MURDERER BRINGS AXE DOWN ON QUINCY'S HEAD KILLING HIM INSTANTLY CORPSE SITS BOLT UPRIGHT CORPSE: I love it when a plan comes together! KIBO'S BEDROOM KIBO SNAPS AWAKE BARBARA BAIN: Did you have the Klugbucket dream again, Darling? KIBO: Yes. MARTIN LANDAU: I hate it when that happens! CAMERA ZOOMS OUT TO REVEAL THAT KIBO IS IN BED WITH TWO GIANT LOBSTERS KIBO SCREAMS CAMERA ZOOMS INTO KIBO'S MOUTH FADE TO BLACK THE ENB! -- Simon Clark 2000 - Urban Crime-Fighter and Quincy Me fan! http://www.lancs.ac.uk/postgrad/clarksj/kibology/ "Elvis is 7 1/2 inches tall by 4 1/2 inches wide" -- Archimedes Plutonium PS THIS IS NOT A TROLL! ONLY A COMPLETE IDIOT WOULD TRY TROLL ALT.TV.QUINCY-ME BECAUSE IT IS ONLY READ BY A HANDFUL OF PATHETIC JACK KLUGBUCKET FANS! THE STUPID FOOLS!!!
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