Funeral for a Friend

(Riboflavin D. Monkey)

From: (Riboflavin Monkey)
Subject:      A sad story...
Date:         16 Nov 1999 00:00:00 GMT
Message-ID:   <>
Organization: Monkeys for wearing pants
Newsgroups:   alt.religion.kibology,

                        FUNERAL FOR A FRIEND
                        Riboflavin D. Monkey

        I arrived at home for lunch, as I was too lazy to pack a lunch
before I left for work. I walked in the door to my apartment, carefully
dodging the two large garbage bags filled with empty bottles. I rummaged
through the apartment looking for something to eat when I found a box
of Au Gratin Potatoes. Or as pronounced by the unwashed masses, "AWG ROTTEN."
I began cooking these, not realizing they take a half of a freakin hour
to cook. Stupid idea, but I have nothing else to cook.

        The phone rings. I hesitate. Should I answer? Or let the machine get
it? I answer. No one responds. I repeat, "Hello? Hello. Hello? HELLO!" Still
no answer. I look at the caller ID. "Out of Area". I hang up.

        ( This paragraph is meant to be a false scare. If it didn't work,
it's still good enough to be a Hollywood Horror Moving Picture. )

        My lunch is done. I realize I have ten minutes to eat everything and
get back to work. I eat as fast as i can, burning my mouth, tongue, and
somehow, i burn my teeth. I finish. i get up and put the dishes in the sink.
Realizing I only have a few minutes until I must leave, I decide to finish
the dishes when I get home.

        So I sit on the couch to put my shoes on when I hear a sound that is
familiar to ripping carpet off a floor, or a rather muffled flatulent noise.
No, I didn't fart. I DIDN'T!!11! WHOEVER SMELT IT DEALT IT!1! I feel suddenly
cooler, a cool breeze running down my leg. It feels... refreshing. But then
I realize that something is wrong. I stand up, and walk into the bedroom.
I look in the mirror. Right there! I have found the Grand Canyon of pants!
HAW HAW MY PANTS SPLIT RIGHT IN TWO!!!11!1 And I liked it. But, I had to go
back to work, so I WENT TO WORK WITH NO PANTS! I WIN!

        The funeral for my pants will be tonight at 7:00 pm, Eastern.


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