Subject: Shopping! Date: Fri, 22 Sep 2000 15:43:38 GMT From: Riboflavin D. Monkey <firstname.lastname@example.org> Message-ID: <email@example.com> Newsgroups: alt.fan.tom-servo As mentioned yesterday, I went to the grocery store. This was not the normal shopping trip. No, actually it was. Anyway, here is the crap that I go through to feed myself so I can entertain the rest of you yahoos. But first, some background. The store I went to is called "Meijer." Named after the owner, of course. Since most of you have probably never heard of the place is basically like Wal Mart with a giant grocery store attached (I have seen some Wal Marts with giant grocery stores, but they are not around here). I also went after work, which was my first mistake. So to get things rolling... SCENE 1: THE PARKING LOT I pull into the parking lot in my M-1 Abram tank with Anti-Air missles and promply run over three old ladies, seven children not looking where they were going and at least five "troubled youth" wearing very pretty gang colors. I fire my anti-air missles to get rid of the black helicopters that follow me everywhere. They'll be back, and in greater numbers. So I meet my half-cousin, Paddycakes at the front of the store, who hands me my tin-foil hat so that "The Man" cannot find my location in public places. Or use their evil, evil mind control rays. I also put on my purple cape. SCENE 2: THE ENTRANCE Paddy and I walk into the store, where there is a "greeter" up front who looks me up and down, grunts and looks away. I go to grab a shopping cart, where the "greeter" tells me that, "This cart is not for you. In fact, none fo these carts are for you. Please go away." I give a subtle tail signal to Paddy, who promptly beat the "greeter" until he blubbers incoherently, I take a cart and proceed further into the store. I realize I forgot my shopping list and hop back outside where I am hit by a bus. Luckily, since I am made of coconut and am immortal, I merely bounce from the grill of the bus with a comical "boing", and attempt again to return to my Abram. I find my list. I need the following items: Bananananas Bagels One of everything Puce. Baby Diapers (for the munkette, not me) Baby Food Various cleaning products which may or may not include "Chemical X" Sugar, spice and everything nice. I return inside the store. The "greeter" is still mumbling incoherently and swaying back and forth, almost tipping over entirely, but not quite. SCENE 3: The Battle So I feverently try to relocate myself, the cart and Paddy to the baby item aisle. In the process only 27 people get injured and 1 killed entirely. Well worth the expense. There I find the diapers. Only one package left! I notice this just as Soccer Mom comes around the corner. We immediately take battle stations and she begins to show off all of her soccer and Kung Fu moves. I shoot her with my improbability cannon. I grab the diapers, but notice that the food is not located here because I am not in the food section. Food is only in the food section, which is probably why they call it the food section. So I proceed to the food section where within that, I find the baby food section. The casualties are much lower, although I had to throw a handicapped person through the roof because their wheelchair was quite an inconvenience. My prehensile tail is quite strong, you know. No other incidents occured in obtaining the baby food. SCENE 4: SQUEAKY CLEAN I reach the cleaning aisle, which for some reason is in the middle of the food section. This, I do not understand but I shall save that for a later date. I pick up stuff to clean my shower. (Monkey fur really, really stinks when wet. Worse than a dog) Paddy picks up a few other things, although I really wan't paying attention. But apparently he also threw a midget in the cart because he said, and I quote, "That little midget is really, really cute." I wasn't in mood to argue. I picked up some laundry soap (All Free and Clear, for those taking notes), which I accidently drop and laundry soap overs the whole aisle. Suddenly, the soap begins to bubble and turns into a giant suds monster who starts eating all the other shoppers. I shrug and pick up another bottle, careful this time not to drop it. I continue. SCENE 5: IMPATIENCE I manage by this time I got everything else on the list, except for the bagels. Even though I have discriminating tastes, I do not feel like stopping and an actual bagel bakery, so I go down the bread aisle. Unfortunately, there is a Jew in my way, standing in front of the bagels screaming, "OY! SHOULD I GET THE CHEAP BAGELS OR THE GOOD BAGELS! OY! I CAN'T DECIDE. WILL SOMEBODY PLEASE TELL ME?" I should also mention that this Jew is not Sergey. Hey, you know my money is green? Because the jews pick it before it's ripe! I heard that on Stern yesterday. Anyway, back to the story. I zap the Jew with my zap gun, and he runs away screaming "OY! IT HURTS! OY! OY!" I grab my bagels and proceed to check out. Only 58 casualties total for this shopping trip (not including the people that the soap monster ate -- wasn't my fault.) SCENE 6: THE NEVERENDING CHECKOUT LINE Now I'm waiting in line to unload my groceries onto the moving-counter so the cashier can scan them so I can purchase them and take them home so I can use them for their appropriate uses. While I'm waiting a grab a 40 of Colt 45, because I like Billy Dee, from the "On your way home" bin. I'm behind an 85 year old lady who bought nothing but depends and Banquet frozen dinners. So I wait. And wait. And wait. And wait. The old lady (henceforth: Hag) is watching the cashier skeptically as if she's getting ripped off. "Hold on," she says to the cashier, "That last meal is on sale for 1.99. It scanned up at 2.30." "Okay," The cashier says and picks up the phone to page someone in the food section. No one answers. She tries again. "Give her the damn discount," I growl, "Lest you fell the wrath of the mighty RIBOFLAVIN!" The cashier looks at me with this curious and slightly frightened frown, and rings the meal up for 1.99. "Any coupons or bottleslips?" asks the cashier to the hag. The hag hands her a fistful of torn papers. The cashier rings some through, some won't ring thru, so the cashier pulls out a pair of glasses, and as slow as someone possible could, puts on the glasses, stares at the coupon for FIVE MINUTES, shrugs and hits some keys. She slowly puts her glasses away again and continues to try to ring coupons through. The soap monster is now starting towards the checkout lanes as it already ate all the customers in back. Another coupon fails to scan, so once again the cashier pull out her glasses again, unfolds them one arm at a time, and raises them to her face again, tilting her head back to use the bifocals, and stares at the coupon for another five minutes. "I'm sorry ma'am, but this here coupon says that you must buy TWO of the Chicken White Meat and Rice meal to get this $0.55 off." "But I did buy two dearie. Here, I'll look in the bag." As fast as the decrepit old hag could move (which wasn't very fast, of course), she fingered through the slim boxed of frozen food, where she only found one. "Oh, dear," she says, "I'm afraid that I'll just have to get another one." She begins waddling back into the store to pay another 2 dollars to save her another $0.55. "But it doesn't matter. She won't be back," I snigger, eyeing the soap monster. I turn to the cashier, "Hey, can you ring me through while we wait for her to return?" "No, I'm afraid not," says the cashier as she studies me while trying to look like she's not. She completes her sentence in disdain with her saying, "Sir. You'll just have to wait." Fury is building inside me. Never in my simian life have a felt this much anger. I want to kill this cashier. I want to break her neck right in two. I want to wrap my prehensile tail right around her bloated, flabby neck and crush her windpipe. Through clenched teeth I way, "What's her fucking total?" "47.86," says the cashier. "Here's fifty fucking dollars. Keep the goddamn change and ring up my FUCKING GROCERIES!" She does, quietly, contemptfully, and I hope, fearfully as well. Paddy is preparing to throw p00pie, as any good half-cousin will do. The bill is totaled, I give the the proper amount, since my clearly superior primate intellect can calulate change faster than most of you wretched humans. As the cashier begins to package my groceries (since all the baggers are took lunch at the same time), I disgustedly throw all my groceries back into my shopping cart the stomp (actaully, bounce) back to my "car". After I finish loading my "car", I hear a low rumbling coming from the building. The windows are covered with soap suds, and their starting to give. Paddy and I jump back into the abram and speed away. I giant mushroom-cloud of suds reaches into the sky. Is seems that the soap monster ate too much and spontaneously combusted. "We really cleaned that store out, eh, Paddy?" We laugh. THE ENB -- Riboflavin D. Monkey A.K.A. Uncle Sal No Nose Lucchesi "...man, if I had a nickle for every penny young Lots found, I'd be five time richer than him." - Captain Infinity
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