From: Infinity@world.com (Captain Infinity) Subject: Yesterday's Elf Spat (Tuesday, May 2, 2000) Date: 04 May 2000 00:00:00 GMT Message-ID: <email@example.com> Organization: http://world.std.com/~Infinity Newsgroups: alt.fan.tom-servo Last night, 5-2-00, I attended an Elf Spat. For those of you with short attention spans (that's you, Hole) an "Elf Spat" was defined in message <firstname.lastname@example.org>: >Whenever 3 or more Irregulars get together, it's an Elf Spat. Last night's Elf Spat was attended by myself, the Jaimester, and the Peach of Endor. We met at the Sheraton in Boston, in the very same lobby in which I once met and chatted with Jonathan (Barnabas Collins) Frid, and we shook hands and hugged, and then we went out for drinks and dinner at a fascinating restaurant called "Marché" in the Prudential Mall. But first, Beth gave me PRESENTS! YAY! I LOVE PRESENTS!! She gave me a balsawood airplane, and a T-Shirt in a cool car-shaped package, and a tin of mints that look like tiny pills which I plan to use at work when I need to take a break ("Joey, I gotta take some of my meds now, do you mind if I go lie down in the conference room for a while until they kick in?") and a button-pin that says "KISS loops goodbye" which has a picture of a lip-smack on it, and a key chain that says "Smart Travel Virginia", and a small box of Tropicool Miami Spearmint Beechies, and some refrigerator magnets advertising the Intelligent Transportation Society of Massachusetts, and a lapel pin that I can't really describe, and a www.transcore.com natural sandstone "Thirstystone" drink coaster, and a pen from the Greater Miami Convention & Visitors Bureau that has a neat looping dolphin on the end. Oh, and all of this was in a nifty zip-close carry bag from www.fiberoptions.com. YAY, AGAIN! So then we went for drinks. The restaurant couldn't make me a Rum & Root Beer, nor could they make a Rum & Dr Pepper! WHAT A GYP! I HAD TO DRINK RUM & COKE! NOT ONLY THAT, BUT BETH ASKED FOR TONIC WATER AND THEY GAVE HER *SODA WATER*! And Jaime had wine and was happy, the fink. Oh, but then Jaime gave me MORE PRESENTS! YAY! He's *not* a fink! He gave me a book titled "Psychic Power & Soul Consciousness" which is 366 pages long and which he PHOTOCOPIED IN ITS ENTIRETY TWO YEARS AGO FOR ME what a crazy guy he is but NOW I have a real bound edition! Yowsa! He also gave me two kinds of mini-brewery beer from Canada (which are down in the fridge right now, so I can't tell you the label names). Also, two cassettes, a videotape, and a CD, all of the works of Stan Rogers, a Canadian songwriter and musician who died tragically at an early age, like all Canadians. No, wait, that's not right, some Canadians live very long lives. Anyway, I'm looking forward to listening/watching these and enjoying them very much, maybe even as much as THE CHERRY PEZ JAIME GAVE ME! And Lemon, raspberry, and orange, too! And all this stuff was packaged in a manilla bubblewrap envelope with my Name and Address on it! This was the Happiest Un-birthday EVER! So then we talked about ferrets for a while. Did you know that Jaime and Beth like ferrets? IT'S TRUE! We talked about other stuff, too, like streets that drive the car so you can lay back and watch cartoons on TV while going to visit your Aunt, and Usenet and the personalities seen there, including probably YOU, you who are reading this, yes, we talked about YOU! Oh, we talked about other people too, people who *aren't* reading this, like Gharlane, and Jay, and Kibo, and Jesse Garon, and Wednesday, and Sloppy Joe The Meat King (whose secret identity I know but did not reveal, mwah hah hah hahhhhhhh) and Theron and Thaxton and Holland and then next we went back to the hotel for the mandatory Elf Spat Sex Orgy. No, wait, next we went to get our food. OK, now, this restaurant is interesting. You are given a "passport" at the door. You walk through what looks like an open market, with a whole bunch of different food "stations". There was a seafood station and a steak station and a vegetable station and a sushi station and an oriental food station and even more, but I finally settled on a salmon steak & rice dish at the seafood station and a baked potato from the vegetable station. Beth had pan-fried sole & rice, clam chowder, and she finally got a glass of tonic water. Jaime got steak, salad, cheesecake, and a tall glass of sarsaparilla, which he had never tasted before. He was going to have some clam chowder, as was I, but I talked him out of it because the chowder pot was nearly empty and they would probably be bringing out a fresh pot in a few minutes. (Jaime, I hope you managed to get back there for a cup of chowder before you left Boston. Sorry I talked you out of it, but my intentions were good.) The way these stations work is that at each one they stamp your Passport with a symbol for what you got. Then, when you leave the restaurant they ring up the prices for the stamped marks on the passport. It's all mostly "serve yourself", so there's no tipping, but there's a very reasonable 11% service charge built into the final total. So then we sat down to eat, and we talked about ferrets. Oh, and then Beth and Jaime told me a secret. Hee heee heeeeeee. The salmon was good, but boney. Or is that "bony"? Hmmm. I've never written that word before in my life. Beth must have liked her sole because she ate it all, and then realized she hadn't offered any to Jaime, which made her sad because now she wanted to try his steak. So he shoved some steak in her mouth in spite of her protests. It was all very Freudian, fish and meat, you know what I'm talking about. So we finished eating and then went back to the hotel for the mandatory Elf Spat Sex Orgy. But first we stayed in the restaurant and talked and talked about all sorts of stuff like Buffy the Vampire Slayer and Red Dwarf and ferrets and Farscape, and R*b*cca Fr*nsw*y and Usenet forgeries, cancels, flooding, and trollerizing and Satai and Beth's cats and my dogs and Jaime's Army service and computers and ferrets and whether or not Dr Pepper is actually carbonated prune juice (IT IS *NOT*!) and how Beth would make a really good looking Klingon and how bad some SF TV is and how good the Lensman series is and how bad some Heinlein is and how good some other Heinlein is. Oh, yeah, Peeps were mentioned a few times, too. As were ferrets. Then, after the barmaids had asked us five times if we wanted another drink and we said "no", we finally noticed it was about 10:00 and we decided to call it a night. Jaime left a poop on the table as a tip. What a wacky funster! They walked me to my car. On the way we talked about driving in Boston and anti-depressant drugs and ferrets. Then we stood in the garage and talked about ferrets for another 20 minutes, just to make sure we had covered the topic thoroughly. Then I drove home. Meanwhile, Jaime and Beth went back to the hotel for the mandatory Elf Spat Sex Orgy. And that was what happened at the first official (I think) Elf Spat. ** Captain Infinity
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