The First Elf Spat

(Captain Infinity)

From: (Captain Infinity)
Subject:      Yesterday's Elf Spat  (Tuesday, May 2, 2000)
Date:         04 May 2000 00:00:00 GMT
Message-ID:   <>

Last night, 5-2-00, I attended an Elf Spat.

For those of you with short attention spans (that's you, Hole) an "Elf
Spat" was defined in message <>:

>Whenever 3 or more Irregulars get together, it's an Elf Spat.

Last night's Elf Spat was attended by myself, the Jaimester, and the
Peach of Endor.

We met at the Sheraton in Boston, in the very same lobby in which I once
met and chatted with Jonathan (Barnabas Collins) Frid, and we shook hands
and hugged, and then we went out for drinks and dinner at a fascinating
restaurant called "Marché" in the Prudential Mall.  But first, Beth gave

She gave me a balsawood airplane, and a T-Shirt in a cool car-shaped
package, and a tin of mints that look like tiny pills which I plan to use
at work when I need to take a break ("Joey, I gotta take some of my meds
now, do you mind if I go lie down in the conference room for a while until
they kick in?") and a button-pin that says "KISS loops goodbye" which has
a picture of a lip-smack on it, and a key chain that says "Smart Travel
Virginia", and a small box of Tropicool Miami Spearmint Beechies, and some
refrigerator magnets advertising the Intelligent Transportation Society of
Massachusetts, and a lapel pin that I can't really describe, and a natural sandstone "Thirstystone" drink coaster, and a
pen from the Greater Miami Convention & Visitors Bureau that has a neat
looping dolphin on the end.  Oh, and all of this was in a nifty zip-close
carry bag from  YAY, AGAIN!

So then we went for drinks.  The restaurant couldn't make me a Rum & Root
Beer, nor could they make a Rum & Dr Pepper!  WHAT A GYP!  I HAD TO DRINK
HER *SODA WATER*!  And Jaime had wine and was happy, the fink.

Oh, but then Jaime gave me MORE PRESENTS!  YAY!  He's *not* a fink!  He
gave me a book titled "Psychic Power & Soul Consciousness" which is 366
what a crazy guy he is but NOW I have a real bound edition!  Yowsa!  He
also gave me two kinds of mini-brewery beer from Canada (which are down in
the fridge right now, so I can't tell you the label names).  Also, two
cassettes, a videotape, and a CD, all of the works of Stan Rogers, a
Canadian songwriter and musician who died tragically at an early age, like
all Canadians.  No, wait, that's not right, some Canadians live very long
lives.  Anyway, I'm looking forward to listening/watching these and
enjoying them very much, maybe even as much as THE CHERRY PEZ JAIME GAVE
ME!  And Lemon, raspberry, and orange, too!  And all this stuff was
packaged in a manilla bubblewrap envelope with my Name and Address on it! 

This was the Happiest Un-birthday EVER!

So then we talked about ferrets for a while.  Did you know that Jaime and
Beth like ferrets?  IT'S TRUE!

We talked about other stuff, too, like streets that drive the car so you
can lay back and watch cartoons on TV while going to visit your Aunt, and
Usenet and the personalities seen there, including probably YOU, you who
are reading this, yes, we talked about YOU!

Oh, we talked about other people too, people who *aren't* reading this,
like Gharlane, and Jay, and Kibo, and Jesse Garon, and Wednesday, and
Sloppy Joe The Meat King (whose secret identity I know but did not reveal,
mwah hah hah hahhhhhhh) and Theron and Thaxton and Holland and then next
we went back to the hotel for the mandatory Elf Spat Sex Orgy.

No, wait, next we went to get our food.

OK, now, this restaurant is interesting.  You are given a "passport" at
the door.  You walk through what looks like an open market, with a whole
bunch of different food "stations".  There was a seafood station and a
steak station and a vegetable station and a sushi station and an oriental
food station and even more, but I finally settled on a salmon steak & rice
dish at the seafood station and a baked potato from the vegetable station.
Beth had pan-fried sole & rice, clam chowder, and she finally got a glass
of tonic water.  Jaime got steak, salad, cheesecake, and a tall glass of
sarsaparilla, which he had never tasted before.  He was going to have some
clam chowder, as was I, but I talked him out of it because the chowder pot
was nearly empty and they would probably be bringing out a fresh pot in a
few minutes.  (Jaime, I hope you managed to get back there for a cup of
chowder before you left Boston.  Sorry I talked you out of it, but my
intentions were good.)

The way these stations work is that at each one they stamp your Passport
with a symbol for what you got.  Then, when you leave the restaurant they
ring up the prices for the stamped marks on the passport.  It's all mostly
"serve yourself", so there's no tipping, but there's a very reasonable 11%
service charge built into the final total.

So then we sat down to eat, and we talked about ferrets.  Oh, and then
Beth and Jaime told me a secret.  Hee heee heeeeeee.

The salmon was good, but boney.  Or is that "bony"?  Hmmm.  I've never
written that word before in my life.

Beth must have liked her sole because she ate it all, and then realized
she hadn't offered any to Jaime, which made her sad because now she wanted
to try his steak.  So he shoved some steak in her mouth in spite of her
protests.  It was all very Freudian, fish and meat, you know what I'm
talking about.

So we finished eating and then went back to the hotel for the mandatory
Elf Spat Sex Orgy.

But first we stayed in the restaurant and talked and talked about all
sorts of stuff like Buffy the Vampire Slayer and Red Dwarf and ferrets and
Farscape, and R*b*cca Fr*nsw*y and Usenet forgeries, cancels, flooding,
and trollerizing and Satai and Beth's cats and my dogs and Jaime's Army
service and computers and ferrets and whether or not Dr Pepper is actually
carbonated prune juice (IT IS *NOT*!) and how Beth would make a really
good looking Klingon and how bad some SF TV is and how good the Lensman
series is and how bad some Heinlein is and how good some other Heinlein
is.  Oh, yeah, Peeps were mentioned a few times, too.  As were ferrets.

Then, after the barmaids had asked us five times if we wanted another
drink and we said "no", we finally noticed it was about 10:00 and we
decided to call it a night.  Jaime left a poop on the table as a tip.
What a wacky funster!

They walked me to my car.  On the way we talked about driving in Boston
and anti-depressant drugs and ferrets.  Then we stood in the garage and
talked about ferrets for another 20 minutes, just to make sure we had
covered the topic thoroughly.

Then I drove home.  Meanwhile, Jaime and Beth went back to the hotel for
the mandatory Elf Spat Sex Orgy.

And that was what happened at the first official (I think) Elf Spat.

Captain Infinity

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